But enough of that here's the original post. I hope you enjoy.
Hello, I figured that since so much has been going on and i am beginning to want to share more maybe I should update more often so here it is. A NEW UPDATE!!!!!
4:08 October 22nd 1981 my mom looked into my baby blues and my life had just began.
Now its 30 years later and I'm thinking of all ive been through.
(The above is the beginning of a poem my mom wrote for me when i was 5 only a bit reworded to better fit this Update.)
Who would have thought that little girl (ME) pictured below would have experienced as much of life as i have thus far in 30 years of being on this earth.
Yes i know i was a fat little baby.
But if you look at the picture next to the one of me with a bunny that's me with my type writer.
I started trying to write when i was just a wee little girl.
When i look at these pics below I think to my self
(How Young, Innocent, and Curious I was back then)
Since i posted my blog and admitted my depression alot of people have messaged and called me Saying they never knew. They would have never guessed That depression would play a part in my life.
Trust me i wasn't good at hiding it.
If you don't want to read my HONEST , FROM THE HEART Thoughts and whats on my mind
Theres this little button up top with an X on it that will close the window so you don't have to read any farther.
If you choose you read on i thank you in advance.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Ok your still here, Lets continue.
I think my depression started when i was in elementary school.
There was a Halloween when my mom couldn't really afford a Halloween costume for me.
She asked what i wanted to be and I told her a Punk Rocker Like the ones i saw in NYC and on TV.
I think i was in 4th or 5th grade maybe even younger.
My mom said sure we will go get you some colored hair spray for your hair and see what kind of clothes we can dig up that we already owned.
So she found a black skirt that didn't quite come down to my knees but i was a tall kid and had long legs so what ever.
Then she found a leather jacket for me to wear with one of my black dance suits from gymnastics. And colored my hair and put in a pony tail frizzed it out cause i had too much hair to put up in a Mohawk.
She let me wear a pair of her leather boots with socks stuffed in the toes so i could walk in them and she drew some stars on my face like JEM n the ROCKERs. who were totally cool in my book back in the 80's
She sent me to school for the Halloween parade and me thinking i was cooler than Saturday morning cartoons was on cloud 9.
(I wish i could find the pic of me from that Halloween but i think its at my moms house in NJ. )
MOM IF YOU FIND IT SEND IT TO ME AND ILL POST IT IN MY NEXT UPDATE
Well it turns out that 1/2 the girls moms that i was friends with didn't think i was a punk rocker
(They thought i was dressed like a hooker)
According to what my mother tells me it was a lack of tights , me having long skinny legs , and being in a short skirt that made them Judge me.
Oh did you read the part that this was ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
I didn't even know what a hooker was back then.
But that night their moms called my mom and said their kids weren't allowed to hang out with me anymore.
They also said I would be the first kid in town to OD, Get Knocked up, catch a STD and Probably DIE.
Well guess what ladies. I'm still alive, Still STD FREE, Most of your kids had kids in high school and I still don't have kids and I'm 30 ,I Never ODed, and OH wait did i mention I'M STILL ALIVE.
This broke my heart that i wasn't allowed to hang with any of the girls in my small town that i thought were my friends.Considering I was an only child to a single mother who had to work alot at least i had my baby sitters 3 sons to hang with, And My Amazing cousin Jen who lived around the block from me and was only a few years older than me.Other than that I became really good at making up imaginary friends.
To make the situation a lot worse over the summer between 5th and 6th grade my house caught fire in the middle of the night. We lived in a huge old 2 family house and the lady who lived next door was out for the night and her boyfriend decided to torch the place knowing me were sleeping on the other side of the wall. Thankfully the people across the street woke up to get some water and saw the flames and called us to get out of the house. There was no time to grab clothes or anything else. we didn't even have time to grab my kitty cat. So i ran out of the house hand and hand with my mom (in my under ware and a t-shirt) to save our lives. Well here i am standing on my front lawn in tears watching the house i have known since birth as MY HOME burn before my eyes not caring what attire i was in and once again the town mothers had something to say again. (I don't know if you have ever been to NJ in the summer but its HOT, HUMID, and Did i mention hot? Well we didn't have Air Conditioning so i slept in my underwear. Big whoop.
But the town mothers decided Once again that my attire was not proper. But they gave no consideration to the fact that My house was on fire and my life was more important than putting on pants. MY mom agrees.
Here are 2 pictures of the after math of my house fire that burnt down when i was a kid.
Ill get more into that in another post.
Lets move forward.
Middle school didn't get any easier. I was failing every class in 7th grade cause i gave up and couldn't deal with being bullied anymore. I was writing a poem that a teacher took away from me which ended me up in the principals office with my mom. The teacher thought I was suicidal and the school district didn't want to deal with me so they transferred me to another school one town over. (Isn't it just refreshing to know how The school districts back then and probably still today deal with Children being Bullied) Oh we will just push them and their problems onto a different school. Well guess what The cool kids at my new school knew the bullies at my other school and they began bullying me there too. but still i managed to find a few other out casts to call my real Friends.
Who may i add i still keep in touch with from time to time.
By High school my depression grew even deeper to the point my mom took me to a DR. who tried putting me on Prozac but my body rejected it and it turns out I'm allergic to most anti depressants. Then they decided I had ADD and that Adderal would do the trick. (you know keep me focused and keep me happy) Um I'm not all too sure about that looking back. It wasn't my attention span that kept me from learning it was the fact that i hated the people and how they treated me and began to with draw from my environment.
The pills took me out of my favorite hobby. I was a pitcher (and a damn good one) for an all star girls soft ball team in town and adderall made me so shaky i couldn't pitch anymore and quit soft ball. Im not sure if the Adderall did anything for me but the Dr said i needed it.
I had good days and bad days back then too.
Cause i wore Black and baggy cargo pants and listened to metal It wasn't uncommon to hear people yell at me "WHERES THE WAR B!T(#" Now more than 1/2 of them love metal music. Wow is all i can say. Thanks for being so mean to me back in the day cause of the music i listened to and how i dressed and I'm happy life has been so good and easy for you all. Wish i could say the same. But anyway back to the story.
I managed to stumble into a world where no one knew me and i could be myself once again and not worry about stupid small town Bull Shit that may i tell you even when i was a virgin, even when i dressed in baggy clothes so no one could see my skinny body, and A bit of a tom boy. According to those same girls I was what their mothers dubbed me in elementary school over a Halloween costume.
UNTIL i stepped out of that small town and into the worlds of Black Lights and Drum and Bass.
Mixed together with a NYC Punk/ Industrial and Hardcore World that some may say i was way too young to enter. But my 17 yr old friends did think so. Ill never forget having to be 16 to get into CBGB's and getting turned away for being 14.
After a scare of this blog being deleted by an Internet bully and replaced with a ton of useless links I managed to save it thanks to my iPhone saving the page in my safari browser. I copied n pasted it and will add the pictures in one by one again. I have since changed all my passwords and deleted the option to be posted via email and learned a valuable lesson. Back up everything I do. I'm going to start printing out my blogs now. Too bad i cant get my blog to align in the center now as usual. But its still readable i hope.
Middle school didn't get any easier. I was failing every class in 7th grade cause i gave up and couldn't deal with being bullied anymore. I was writing a poem that a teacher took away from me which ended me up in the principals office with my mom. The teacher thought I was suicidal and the school district didn't want to deal with me so they transferred me to another school one town over. (Isnt it just refreshing to know how The school dristricts back then and probally still today deal with Children being Bullied) Oh we will just push them and their problems onto a different school. Well guess what The cool kids at my new school knew the bullies at my other school and they began bullying me there too. but still i managed to find a few other out casts to call my real Friends.
Who may i add i still keep in touch with from time to time.
By High school my depression grew even deeper to the point my mom took me to a DR. who tried putting me on Prozac but my body rejected it and it turns out I'm allergic to most anti depressants. Then they decided I had ADD and that Adderal would do the trick. (you know keep me focused and keep me happy) Um im not all too sure about that looking back. It wasnt my attention span that kept me from learning it was the fact that i hated the people and how they treated me and began to with draw from my enviroment.
The pills took me out of my favorite hobby. I was a pitcher (and a damn good one) for an all star girls soft ball team in town and adderall made me so shaky i couldnt pitch anymore and quit soft ball. Im not sure if the Adderall did anything for me but the Dr said i needed it.
I had good days and bad days back then too.
Cause i wore Black and baggy cargo pants and listened to metal It wasn't uncommon to hear people yell at me "WHERES THE WAR B!T(#" Now more than 1/2 of them love metal music. Wow is all i can say. Thanks for being so mean to me back in the day cause of the music i listened to and how i dressed and I'm happy life has been so good and easy for you all. Wish i could say the same. But anyway back to the story.
I managed to stumble into a world where no one knew me and i could be myself once again and not worry about stupid small town Bull Shit that may i tell you even when i was a virgin, even when i dressed in baggy clothes so no one could see my skinny body, and A bit of a tom boy. According to those same girls I was what their mothers dubbed me in elementary school over a Halloween costume.
UNTIL i stepped out of that small town and into the worlds of Black Lights and Drum and Bass.
Mixed together with a NYC Punk/ Industrial and Hardcore World that some may say i was way too young to enter. But my 17 yr old friends didnt think so. Ill never forget having to be 16 to get into CBGB's and getting turned away for being 14.
I Walked across the street met a group of boys and then got walked in under a bass players arm saying i was his sister, my friends that were old enough to get in walked in behind me and once inside i went to hang with the girls and enjoyed the music.
(No grandpa my mom wasnt a bad mom i was "sleeping at a freiends house" or out with my older friends who mom knew i was safe with) SEE Im still here in one piece So I must have been safe. Right?
Life started getting better but the day to day CHORE of going to high school to just try and graduate made Monday through Friday hard to deal with.
I figured i would add some pics of me in those days too.
The first one is me posing in front of moms before my JR Prom (I'm in the black and silver dress). I must say i had the cutest gay boy as a date that night. That was a happy Night. The next one over is me in NYC after a Drum n Bass party. You cant see my pants but trust me you could have probably fit me +3 inside of them that's how baggy they were.
And the one on the bottom was taken in the bathroom of a club That used to exist in Asbury Park NJ Called Structure Where you could have found me every Friday night from the age of 16 till they shut it down.
And yes I am 16 yrs old in that pic on the bottom maybe 17 tops.
PS I'm the one in the center
While having a blast on the weekends and dealing with being Bullied Monday through Friday for no damn reason i started writing. Believe it or not i still have every journal and poem book i ever wrote in back then and one day they will help me write my book.
But i found this one poem i wrote and wanted to share it with all of you.
I wrote this when i was 17 and basically pieced together words off rave fliers i had hung on my walls, mixed with random words i cut out of rolling stone magazine and stapled to my walls and Used how i felt at that moment to form this.
A CRY OF A GENERATION
Cries of help lost in a world of confusion and lies after death.
Will still be unforgiven or will they be found?
Lust was lost in a world of suicidal tendencies
That were and still are MAD AS HELL
Found in a world of Purple Haze, White Touch, and Black Lights
You say Lust is so fine
But i think Poetry is such the thing to express the single bright female
inside and out of me
Forget Metaphor and Sarcasm
Still nothing can work
NOT True Love, NOT tough Love, NOT Therapy, or Prayer
You can try to leave things behind
But they predicted RIOTS, Bloodshed, Anarchy and worse
You say "I Hate Myself and want to die"
But to see the light would just be a beginning.
Freedom they tell us a tribute to who?
Don't worry there are many more confused too.
Now that is only one of many i have found but for some reason i felt like sharing it.
Hope you like a sneak peek into what was going through my 17 year old mind at the moment.
But for the moment lets come back to the NOW
You know like as in 2012
Ah it feels good to be back in present day. LOL
I have tried figure out my root of this most recent wave of depression that smothered my life
And I cant find an answer.
Yes i still feel socially awkward but at the same time I realized I really am just different and ITS OK.
Its what makes me I guess ME.
And I'm sort of awesome if you didn't know.
Like a wise man once said maybe i should stop dwelling on the past and trying to piece it together
And start focusing on the NOW!!!!
Well as you all know i got a more positive i guess you can say job, started going to the gym and so on.
Not to repeat myself.
I also realized ........
And My problem is I THINK TOO MUCH.
So maybe if my mind could stay in a positive forward movement
Maybe just then i could WIN.
You know
I stole this off a friends FB PAGE Cause i decided this is the mind set i will wake up every day.
Even if what I'm trying to accomplish seems IMPOSSIBLE.
Cause that poor happy cat will never catch that red laser light dot.
It still wakes with the mind set that it completely can.
Sales Makes me feel like that cat.
I wake up and swear today is the day I'm going to get a chance to close a deal
And then i Finnish my day at work and feel like i just chased my tail all day for a few peanuts.
I thought the below pic was funny that my cousin posted a few days ago so i borrowed it.
In reality The below picture is the out come of my most accomplished moment at work.
Yup i picked out a picture printed it in large scale and Wrapped my office wall.
It is a brick wall with a hole in it with a castle top on the other side.
When I'm having a bad day I imagine myself climbing through the wall to go play in the beautiful castle.
And then i come back to reality when I'm assigned jobs like Play with Photo Shop on my fancy work MAC
And design things like you see below.
Then from time to time i will wander out to the install area and scope out The guys installing Wraps on Vehicles.
The job I actually applied for But didn't get, Cause they As they said they saw so much more in me.
So i continue going to work and keep trying to get a sale.
It would be easier or should i say better if there was a List to work off but Hopefully ill figure it out on my own. I have to have faith that i can do this. Here are some pictures of an install in progress.
Speaking of people seeing more in me.
Upon contacting a friend out of the blue, He asked if i would be interested in a job with his company.
I asked for more details and decided sure why not.
SO I'm NOW also working at YETI MEDIA
Feel free to check out their website http://www.yeti-media.com/
You ask what do they do well i screen captured their main page of the website to explain
i am learning the art of app development and will be helping launch a few new apps that you should be on the look out for to drop soon?
Now i need to start saving every penny possiable for a MAC Computer of some sort so i can do 1/2 the things i need to and learn so much more.
Upon signing onto the website i realized just how much of a Dinosaur the laptop im working with really is.
But for now i guess its also good to know how sites, apps, and programs react to an older system like mine. But its seriously time to update How am i expected to move forward if im living in the dark ages.
Ok back to what im helping out with and learning at with Yeti Media.
The first one Ive been helping the Yeti Team with Just launched on Friday.
Look Below I'M A QR bar code Go ahead get your cell phone out and scan me with your QR Code scanner.
The yeti team has been Hard at work on this so check it out.
Its called friendscan.me you can go to http://friendscan.me/ to try it out and get your own code.
in a nut shell
Simplify your real world life contacts by translating your social networks into a QR code.
(QUICK RESPONSE CODE)
Others can scan your QR code and add you as a friend instantly! No more fumbling with email addresses spelling names, just scan, confirm, and you're done!
Go check it out give it a try and then go Like it on Facebook and Leave us a little feed back.
Don't look for it in the app store its a web based app with a way for you to save the QR Code to your phone to take with you every where.
There are many other great things in the works coming from Yeti Media too.
Yeti Media also offers consulting services.
Im Very Very excited and Happy to be on the YETI MEDIA TEAM. I still have alot to learn about what im doing but I am going to love every minute of the challenge. I also love the little Yeti creature My friend came up with for the Company. Isnt he cute.
I remember complaining that i wanted more going on in my life.Well careful what you wish for you just may get it. I'm so busy between both jobs and the gym I'm actually re calculating my schedule to fit everything in and make it to bed before 2am. I realized i need to cut back my hours at the Car Wrap place that werent equaling out with my salary and focus that time towards my new job. and still make it to the gym and sleep.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I think I'm starting to believe them cause i have only seen Brian one day in the past week and I'm actually starting to miss him.Go Figure.
Its not possible for our paths to cross when he works nights and has been picking up shifts on his Wednesday off and i work days and then head to the gym.
Brian has been working hard and moving up in the world with better pay And For the first time in over 11yrs We will officially have Health Insurance Thanks to him and his awesome job at Dave's Killer Bread.
I went up to meet him on break to get the papers he filled out for the insurance just to make sure he filled them out right and he came out looking like the picture below.
He looks like a bee keeper at work but he makes amazing Bread.
I'm not going to give him too much credit cause every time i do he does something to piss me off .
Like wakeing me at 3am when i have to be up at 6 to tell me fraggle rock happens in our fridge.
(DONT ASK I DIDNT) And if you dont know what Fraggle Rock is you are probally too young to be reading my blog. BUt ofcourse i had to add a Picture to remind you and a video i found of the Intro song
You remember these guys right?
So considering i never asked why Brian thought Fraggle Rock Happened in our Fridge, This should give you a giggle. Watch this video and tell me You cant picture Brian being the guy who catches the Fraggle.
I did get to find some time to hang with Tiffany who always manages to put a smile on my face.
We met for Ghost chili beers at APEX
Then she took me to Cirque Du Soleil's OVO performance at the Expo Center
If you don't know what I'm talking about watch the video below its the trailer for what we saw and all i can say is it left me speechless,
Well not really speechless cause i think Tiffany wanted to kill me cause i kept saying OVO just like the fly did the whole way home.
Pictures below are from our Fun night at OVO
OH in case you didn't know T+T+ Adventures = EPIC!!!!!!
Why do i get the Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure feel from the pic of T an me below?
OVO was a nice night of doing something i wanted to do.
So Saturday (The first and only day I get to hang with Brian) I decided we could go do something he has been wanting to go do.
We woke early to go to the Portland Saturday Market and then .............
There is a Hiker Named Andrew Skurka Who has done some pretty HUGE Trails and Hikes who was coming to Hood River to give a presentation on his ALASKA-YUKON Expedition.
Skurka presented an adventure-themed slideshow, “Circling Alaska and Yukon: A 4,700-mile 6-month journey by foot, skis and pack raft through Big Wilderness.” His entertaining and thoughtful presentation featured stunning imagery, emotional videos and some of Skurka’s best stories.
His route passed just beneath Mt. McKinley, descended famed rivers like the Copper and Yukon, and traversed the entire Brooks Range.
During the most remote and committing stretch of the trip, across the Yukon Arctic and Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, he went 657 miles and 24 days without crossing a road or seeing another person – an immersion in Big Wilderness that he found profoundly humbling.
In this program Skurka shares the journey’s most powerful stories and entertaining moments, complemented with stunning photos and emotional videos. He also reflects on the broader significance of this experience and of his other adventures – which cumulatively measure 30,000+ miles – with particular attention to setting goals, stepping outside comfort zones, and seizing life’s opportunities. You can read more about him and this trip in NAT GEO or by Clicking the link to his website http://www.andrewskurka.com/
So I Got US Tickets. Brian was in his Glory and we were off to HOOD RIVER for the 2nd part of the day.
Even though i thought i wouldn't be into it i enjoyed it alot.
Brian even got his book By Skurka Signed to Smokestack (which was Brian's trail name on the AT)
Which brought up the question from Skurka "Were you a Thru Hiker?"
Brian in all his glory said yes and took that as an open invitation to start having friendly conversation with him about hiking.
I said "what" And he told me he just need to hike 2,179 miles from Georgia to Maine.
And me being such an amazing wife i said sure go do it.
Skurka looked shocked .
Andrew Skurka is a great guy and both Brian and i enjoyed chatting with him both before and after the presentation.
And now Brian has a new book about Hiking GEAR . OH JOY.
Today I woke up to another Beautiful day here in Portland.
Yesterday 75 degrees and SUNNY!!!! And Today was 85 and SUNNY!!!
I LOVE IT!! THANK YOU for the SUNSHINE.
I love the fact that there is NO Humidity like back in NJ. My hair didn't even frizz.
Everything is in Bloom Here and The bright colors of all the blooming flowers and trees are for sure good for me.
These flowers are just outside my back door.
Brian thought That EARTH DAY and all this sunshine meant he should sleep in
I woke up and made myself an amazing meal. After using one of my FREE personal trainer sessions at the GYM. I stepped up my work out and gave my diet an over haul. I Cut ALL Processed Sugar out of my diet and have been eating mostly a RAW ORGANIC DIET.90% of what i eat came from the earth and is Bright, Colorful, and NOT Cooked. with the exception of Nuts, and Cheese once in a blue.
I usually eat chicken for dinner and am only drinking water for the most part.
I still have 1 cup of Black Coffee every morning and cheated and had a beer and Veggie Burrito with Tiffany the other day, But for the most part The picture below best describes my daily food intake Fruits and Veggies.
I have officially Lost 11 lbs in the first month Ive been going to the GYM.
I still have a ways to go cause i still have more body fat than i should and more than i want.
The Gym has also been really helping with my mood.
And i almost feel guilty when i cant make it due to work.
I would like to say thank you to who ever bought me an OBEY tank top off my AMAZON WISHLIST recently.
I love My Urban Roots Tank Top.
I also love what the picture on the front of it means.
I added a picture below of the graphic and words pictured on my shirt.
And i took those words to heart in my own way.
When everything collapses, Plant your field of dreams.
So Today for EARTH DAY I did just that.
Considering I am not allowed to plant in the earth by my back door I decided to start a garden on my back porch. I went to the Garden store down the road from my house and bought some flowers, Tomato plants, Strawberry Plants and some seeds.
The seeds i bought were Lavender and Chamomile and i found a pack of Tree seeds left over from our wedding to plant
I figured all of these would be a good addition to the Herbs I planted a week ago
Pictured below are My Chives, Parsley, and I'm going to call it a mystery plant cause i forgot what else i planted and forgot to label it so i guess we find out in a few weeks.
My back porch gets great sunlight.
I also decided my Flowers needed a cool flower pot and decided to Use an old pair of my shoes to plant them in. I think they look perfect. We put the Lavender, Chamomile, and Wedding seeds next to the shoe slower pots and finally hung the Hammock Bear Brian bought a year ago on sale for $1 outside.
I figured Sleepy Hammock Bear could watch over my mini Garden while I'm at work and keep the flowers and plants company.
Planting this Garden made me very happy today and caring for it will continue to make me happy as it grows and maybe one day produces Herbs, and veggies that i may one day be able to eat and use.
Ah it really is the simple things that make me happy.
Brian and i have been discussing getting a Kitten in the near future.
I would love to have a cute baby kitten but am not too keen on buying them.
My last cat was sort of amazing and could never be replaced
And she randomly adopted me by jumping in my car one day.
But its something that we have been tossing around.
It would be nice to have a furry buddy to hang out with while hes at work.
And it would almost be like completing our family.
It could be my furry purring meowing child.
And before i Hit publish I would like to add If your not comfortable with commenting below in the comment section i invite you to Feel free to send me an Email if there is anything you want to ask or tell me......
at Tiffany1762@gmail.com .
Also feel free to share the link to my Blog anywhere and with anyone if you think you know someone who may enjoy reading it. The more readers the merrier.
Please remember i am not writing this to a please anyone so if you dont like what i write dont read it.
Im just being honest. Im not writing this for pitty so no need to feel bad for me i survived thus long and will keep surviving some how some way. Where there is a will there is a way.
JUST REMEMBER..............
I'm not shy and I'm working on opening up, sharing my story, and not caring what others think of me for my honesty and past. Everyone has a story, Some just choose not to talk about it. And im learning its ok to talk about these things. If it hinders me from walking down a road one day or prevents me from getting a job then i wasnt ment to be there or do that. One day the full book will be written. I'm just formulating how I'm going to write it and where to begin. I wish there was someone to type it as i tell it. Cause a i cant type in circles if I'm writing a book like i do with my blog.
Well I actually remember most of my 20's way too well.
Well I'm not going to apologize for writing a novel this time cause i enjoyed writing it. If you have made it this far. Thank you for taking the time to read my wordy update. And if you just looked at the pictures and scanned down the page Well Thank you too i guess.
Till next time.
nt
You. Are. Amazing. <3
ReplyDelete~Gina