Well hello we meet again. The past few weeks have been rough on me mentally and physically.
Work is kicking my butt .
and Ive been doing alot of thinking.
Or i guess you could call it soul searching.
People have been popping up from the past and are now finding me Via social media sites.
Most of them are people i know from my days in LA, Or that i met on tour that are from the music industry or photographers based out of LA.
All of these Blasts from the past started to get my mind going.
I look at their pictures and hear that they are still working in the industry and living the rock and roll dream.
Then i start to wonder where did i go wrong that i went from living the dream of getting paid to use my passion of photography to support myself to ummm Working in a mail house with institution grey walls.
Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for my job and couldn't get by without it and what little hours i can pick up.
But how did i go from making a few hundred a day for taking pictures and working with amazing bands at fun venues to now making $9 ph for sorting mail.
I think i made the wrong choice out of the 3 jobs i was offered.
But i guess Live and learn.
And I am guilty of having a few too.
I was given freedoms other kids weren't given. And was told To be a free spirit but there were certain things certain people couldn't know about.
You know dirty little secrets.
Ive held my silence to appear as Um good as i could seem and recently alot of those things i silenced are eating me up.
I loved who i was i was free i danced to a tune of a different drummer.
I wasn't the best at academics and on alot of my weekends in my teen years i disappeared off to a world that began shaping me into that crazy fun free spirit i became.
I was a bit socially awkward but for some reason the people i met in this scene called me friend.
I felt like for once i belonged. I learned about different types of music learned about different forms of art and began to travel to unique places. I fell in love with abandoned buildings. And was known as the girl who always had a camera in her hand.
I made my own clothes and fell in love with Life.
One day i was sitting around Looking through boxes of pictures and was trying to figure out what i wanted to go to college for.
Just then it dawned on me. Maybe i can turn my passion of photography into a career. So i signed up for community college.
I WAS GOING TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND THAT WAS THAT!
I sort of wish i put more into my college education but i was too busy working at a Bar and in my spare time enjoying electronic music, The NYC Punk and hardcore scene and going to concert venues walking up to rock band tour buses introducing myself and asking for photo passes to build my portfolio. I promised free prints since i was developing and printing myself. and explained i was up for hire.
I got a break and Had my college professor convince my mom it was best for me to drop out of college and take a chance on the road as a traveling tour photographer.
From there the adventures began and i got to live like a rock star and party like one too.
Grandma I'm not talking about drugs. But Truth the booze was never ending.
It was like i was in the band and my instrument was my camera.
From traveling on the road i ended up in LA and soon after moved there. The world was mine for the taking.
My first night out in LA was one you only see in movies.
Night starts out chilling with a band i had met on the road at a DVD premiere, Meeting a random amazing 20 yr old journalist from LA. to cutting the line and getting comped at the viper room with the night ending with a VIP party on the roof of the Hollywood Hyatt.
The next week I had my first photo shoot cause my new journalist friend faked a wrist injury so i could cover for her as the gig photographer.
This lead to my first Photo credit in a magazine.
I managed to get myself gigs photographing Huge National Bands and Published in National Magazines.
All my dreams were coming true. a few years later i started modeling for an alt pin up site. I figured why not be on both ends of the camera.
LIFE WAS GOOD.
Fast forward a few years
Technology started shifting and i started noticing people with camera phones and point and shoot cameras in the press area stage front of big concerts. This started to bother me.At the same time i began meeting Big name photographers who's work made me look like an amateur. They had amazing expensive gear and great computers and programs for editing and made me feel and look like an amateur. I started losing hope and getting down on myself that i wasn't as good as them and i felt like a tool for not paying more attention in my studio lighting courses. I knew how to work my camera but didn't know proper terms others used. My pay for Live Concert photos started to decrease cause the magazines were getting more submissions from kids with point n shoot cameras that would work for free.
Working at Bars was starting to get to me and i saw my tips decrese . I knew i didnt belong there and could do better and it showed while i was there.
My depression started to kick my butt. and to make it worse i was in an emotionally draining relationship with a musician who was draining my bank account.
I went into self destruction mode. gave up my apartment put my life in storage hoping to forget about it and began couch surfing and living up the late night Hollywood life style. I spent alot of time with my dear friend Jack Daniels at the Viper room in the Dirty Lounge as well as at many other bars and have stories that would make you think i was pulling them out of a Hunter S Thompson Book.
I GAVE UP.
But was having fun on my way down.
Just then I went home for Christmas and was reunited with an old friend who some how i fell for and he felt the same. We never actually dated but This friend is now my husband after a pit stop in Vegas in route of escaping LA. He sort of saved me by kidnapping me back east and showing me a simpler side of life again. You know being close to family again and all that jazz.
Upon arriving back to NJ i was over the music industry and retired my cameras to their bags to colect dust.
I stopped drinking Completely for a bit to regain myself and can now socially just enjoy one or two drinks and still function.
Now back to present day
I am starting to feel like the sign below.
I know who i once was and what i wanted to be. But upon going back to NJ i became a house wife and helped my husband take care of his sick grandparents and took out all my piercings and died my hair a normal color. I started to live the life and tried to be the person my mom and my family always wanted me to be. I stopped working at bars. I gave up on art and sort of settled for a retail management job at a skate shop, then a mailroom temp position at a Proxy company.
You know got a job where they take taxes social security out of your check and do what society thinks is the right way to live.
And hope to one day have health Insurance again.
Don't get me wrong my family also supported my decision as an artist but also saw me struggle and figured something more grounded may be what the doctor ordered.
Then i reunited with a friend who asked me to join his wedding photography team shooting. I gladly accepted and loved having a camera in hand again. But then work got slow and you can look back to my first blog posts and get the jest that we felt it was time to leave NJ to find better opportunities and a brighter future.
It hasn't been an easy journey Thus far. Though i guess i never really expected it to be.
If life was easy all the time what would be the point of waking up every day?
I have been getting alot of concerned people messaging me asking why i put up with so much.
Why do i put myself in these situations?
Some of you reading this Have known me for years, Some have known me for a few months and others may have never met me.
Some of you know me as Jersey, Angel, Tiffany Harned, Tiffany Chilson, and a few other nicknames from the past depending on where, when n how we met. .
let me tell you,
And one day when i feel up to it i will share more of my story with you.
My story starts in 1981 and one day will be written into a book.
Mark my words
BUT
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING AND THE END HAS YET TO BE WRITTEN.
I refuse to hide who i was and who i am. I want the world to see me for me.
Good , Bad, and Ugly.
Even if it will make some people cry to know the truth.
I truly believe
I look through old pictures and miss the person i see in them. The old me.
Yes the next 4 pictures are old ones i found of me.
NYC 2002
Hell City Ohio 2006
Long Beach California with Riley 2005
I lived right across the street from where that pic was taken for a little while
Me with my 1st camera in 1984
And me on stage In San Deigo photographing a Show 2006
And i couldnt resist adding a 5th. This picture was taken by a dear friend in LA.
Grayson.
I love how he made me look so strong and determined at one of my weakest times so far.
He captured me how i wished he would see me.
Hes one of the few people who never lost faith in me.
even at my lowest moments.
I am forever grateful.
And he always told me I didnt belong working in bars and he had faith one day i would wake up and everything would work its self out to what it was ment to be.
And he even tried getting a camera back in my hand many times.
People say you change as you grow up and your experiences mold you into who you are today.
OK well my only question is when did i stop being fun and creative and get OLD and GRUMPY.
I'm not talking about going out and boozing it up with friends or even living up the night life.
I'm talking about Laughing on a daily basis to the point my stomach hurts. Spending my time Creating Unique obscure works of art and Going to shows and enjoying live music and using my camera.
And exploring the world solo when bored and no one is around.
Sometimes i feel like I'm a bitch to my Husband. I have to give him credit for working his butt off and carrying both our weight financially since arriving in Portland and putting up with me laying on the couch in a deep state of depression and totally being the fun police for the past few weeks. .
Ive been feeling so lost, Forgotten, and Hopeless. I feel i do too much for everyone else and always forget me. Ive often considered self destructing again but something inside stops me and tells me something good will happen soon and will be worth the wait.
I swear this Banksy Piece below explains what i thought was to come in this story.
Between The Dreadful Days at work questioning my future and the repetition of the jobs we have been getting mixed in with the lack of hours offered.
I seem to function best on a full cut throat schedule that constantly has me on the move.
I miss putting in hours of work being super productive. I have issues standing still.
My mind cant handle it. My life used to be go go go and i was lucky to have a moment to sit let along sleep.
Its nice to think I'm a working class hero keeping the mail industry alive and then i realize oh wait This is all junk mail I'm stuffing into envelopes.
I HATE JUNK MAIL!!!
But i keep telling myself
ITS A JOB and i should be grateful this company gave me a shot now to just keep proving i can do the job and pay my bills and try to save a few dollars to get ahead.
With working in Bars and devoting my life to Photography and the music industry for 12 years its not like i have much work experience in the "real world" to put on paper.
I understand its a JOB not get paid to have fun time.
But one can dream that one day i will be truly happy with my profession again.
Below is a pic of me on my way home from work. N yes that is exactly what i look like at work.
Our warehouse doesnt have heat so 3 hoodies is required to stay warm when not being kept super busy.
Look ma no make up.
To make my depression sink a little deeper I discovered our $1200 mattress was molding again.
Yes again. Its the bottom of the mattress and the top of the box spring.
I don't know why but this cant be good, Maybe these excess humidity in my apartment n my bed is a sponge? Clueless but this makes me stress more about our financial situation.
Cause this mattress is only a few months old and the selling point of it was it wont mold.
well guess what sales guy you lie.
This time i decided since the guy at the store we bought it from in livermore California never got back to us and told me there was direct # to the maker of the mattress i decided to do a little research for myself and found the direct number to the owner of easy rest INC. I told him whats going on and he told me good thing we moved to Portland cause that's where hes based out of and told me to bring down the mattress and he would give me a brand new one free. Below is a picture of our new mattress rolled up like a burritos.
Due to the mold we had to dispose of our box spring and take the loss on that and decided we didn't want to spend the money on a new one just yet. So Brian built us an amazing Platform to go on out bed frame to hold up the mattress.
Even tho Ive been in a rotten mood My girl Tiffany rented a car and came and kidnapped me for an evening and taught me how to make veggie sushi.
Good food and good company killed the pain for a little
I appreciate her effort in cheering me up and taking me out for a bit.
But upon arriving home i went back into hermit mode and decided i didn't want to be bothered by the world.
Nothing my friends did nor anything they can fix its just my general state of mind at that moment.
I resorted to sleeping most of the day when not at work.
I spent alot of time trying to decide what i wanted to be when i grew up.
Im 30 im not getting any younger.
What was next?
How did i end up at this moment in time in this mood with these doubts?
And all my family has to suggest is "Why dont you just come back to NJ"
Um ive spent my whole life trying to escape that cancer factory of No hope for a future.
I will never go back.
A week later i received a message that an old friend from LA was going to be in Portland with his band and they were playing a show at a local venue here.
I had never heard of his new band but knew it would be nice to see a familiar face from a different time.
I got dressed and put on the best smile i could conjure up. and below is the result.
I even decided to take off my saint Anthony charm and replace it with the New Jersey Charm my little brother gave me that i always wore when i lived in LA.
Why does NJ look like a backwards alot smaller California on the map?
I arrived at the same time as my friend. We chatted for a few and then he had to go set up for the show. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and struck up a conversation with a stranger which was full of useful facts and opportunities for me to look into here in PDX.
I could hear the opening band playing but wasn't impressed enough to head in to watch.
Just then there was a break in the music.
My friends band was up next.
I went and took a seat at the bar next to a nice man and ordered a beer.
Warner Drive took the stage and i didn't know what to expect but Within the first minute of their performance I was blown away. The singer had a great sense of humor and a voice that just caught your attention, and his lyrics were clear and hit close to home. The whole band had an infectious stage presence that rocked my world. Jonny U Killed it on Drums and There was even a highly attractive woman named Candice on GUITAR who was both witty and rocked some amazing riffs. Yes you read that right she was on guitar not bass. I admire her. The Music and Lyrics were catchy and just brought a smile to your face. The crowd there to see them were having fun and you could feel that. The people around me were very social and just wanted everyone to enjoy the show. It was a vibe i had not felt in forever. It reminded me of a CKY/ Bullets and Octaine concert vibe only with 21 and up adults and alot more of a sense of humor and more mature kick ass songs. It sort of made me feel welcome , at ease, and sort of at home for a moment. It sort of reminded me of fun times i had been missing in Hollywood. If you have never heard of the band Warner Drive go check them out. They need to become huge. Once you hear their music you will understand why. You can find their videos on YouTube and You can find them on Facebook. Go click like.
This song below got stuck in my head and got me thinking in a little more of a happier mind set.
Click The image below with the radio on it and enjoy Warner Drive's Song Metal Bridge.
I dont know who the you tube video belongs to but i swear im just borrowing it.
After the show My friend gave me their sample CD to enjoy and told me if i like it i can find 2 of their full albums on Itunes. And I loved the sample CD so much that I bought both of their full length CD's off Itunes with a small piece of my 1st pay check.
I must say my favorite songs so far are Faking Smiles and Metal Bridge.
But Their song The Shocker makes me giggle too.
I cant thank Jonny U enough for being in town and letting Know me they were playing that night.
It was funny at the end of the night when he gave me a hug good bye he called me Jersey a name i have not been called since i left LA 3 years ago. He quickly corrected himself and called me tiffany and i told him its ok he can call me Jersey. Thats who i was and what i was known as n there is still a bit of her left in me its just a matter of finding her again.
I wish Brian didn't have work that night cause he would have enjoyed the show. But at the same time i may have needed a night out all by myself. Its been ages since Ive gone out solo. I used to be notorious for going everywhere alone.
For christ sake im the girl who got bored one day and decided to just drive east from cali to NJ just to see what random back road routes i could find to get me there and to discover what was out thereand back
The good old days just me and my camera on the open road. .
I used to be much muchier.
Random alice in wonderland quote.
The next night i enjoyed a quite night with Brian sharing stories and songs from the night before.
We laughed and sang out loud. We looked through the Local Mercury Magazine that posts all the upcoming concerts in Portland. I said to Brian Ah look Flogging Molly is playing here soon. I told him they were so much fun to photograph in LA. Then followed that with AH the good old days.
We enjoyed a nice Pho dinner together and i got a fortune cookie at the end of my meal. I opened it read it and thought to myself why should i wake early? Nothing interesting is gonna happen tomorrow. Stupid Fortune cookie. Below is my Fortune
To my Surprise I woke earlier than usual that day and received an email from a Person i had met a few times out here in Portland. In passing i had mentioned i was a photographer and loved taking pics of bands but had not done anything like that in 3 or so years.
The email was asking if i would be interested in Photographing Flogging Molly. I thought to myself wasn't i just day dreaming and mentioning i wished i could do this the night before. I asked for more details and found out i would be working with a writer and the article would be published online.
I almost fell over with excitement.
I was supposed to pick a friend up at the airport later that night but I cant pass up this opportunity to see if i still have what it takes to do this. and possibly start shooting again.
I figured this friend would understand knowing the state of mind Ive been in and how i missed having a camera in hand and doing what i love.
So I said Yes!!!!
Maybe I'm a bad friend for not picking my friend up but i didn't know if this would be my last chance to do something like this.
With that i dug my cameras out of the closet cleaned the lens', cleaned the filters, and made sure i had everything i would need.
Then i charged my batteries, and cleared my memory cards.
Showered and hit the road with excitement rocking out to my new favorite tunes just purchased off ITUNES
I arrived at the Venue and met the writer Who's name was Rob.
He gave me my Photo pass Pictured below.
I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face.
As excited as i was there was a bit of fear lingering with in me too.
Thoughts of do i remember my camera settings? do i have the right len's? Am i going to be able to capture what i need with in the first three songs with NO FLASH?
I was nervous so i started to test a few Frames on the crowd.
It felt good to be on this side of the barricade again with my trusty camera in hand.
The lights dimmed and the intro music kicked on and the butterflies in my belly began to flutter. The band entered the stage and the lights kicked up and the crowd went wild. Flogging Molly is a great band with tons of good times songs. As they started their set i began framing my shots and shooting away.
My three Songs of front row shooting were over before i knew it. So i headed up to the balcony to enjoy the show away from the main floor to make sure my camera gear stayed in tact.
I danced and sang and snapped a few photos from up high.
I felt good about life again.
It felt good to be me again.
At the end of the show Rob the writer asked if i could do a 5 hour turn around to meet my deadline so the article could get posted ASAP. I informed him i had work at 5am but i would go home right then and do my small amount of editing such as adding my name to the photo and adjusting light values and would get them to him ASAP.
Well my laptop is so old that it doesn't support editing programs and large files. So i came home and deleted almost every program on my laptop that wasn't must to make the computer run.
I uploaded the pictures and downloaded my editing program and got to work. I fell asleep with the laptop just after hitting send on the final images. Brian woke me and laughed that i was cute passed out hard at work editing.
For a minute i was up in the air on which name i wanted these photos published under.
I'm already known as a published photographer by the name of Tiffany Harned
But do i want to start over as an unknown name now that I'm Married to Brian and am legally known as Tiffany Chilson.
Or do i hyphenate?
It was a bit of a battle in my mind. As much as i would like to continue my career under my maiden name i decided this publication would be published under my married name cause it is a new start and wanted to have a publication with just my married last name out of respect to my husband who has been working his butt off to provide the best life he could offer me right now. He has given up so much and grown up so much since we moved.
My theory is if i ever get the chance for a big publication again i will hyphenate but for now local stuff here in PDX i will just use my married name for the time being.
To Check out the article and My Pictures.
My mind set has been on a little more on the positive side since shooting this show.
I realize that there may still be hope for me. and i have to be strong and roll with the hand life deals me
and just try to make the best of the moment.
I now believe that i still have what it takes.
And I believe i am a good photographer.
I have to remember That even tho i don't have the newest camera gear nor do i have the nicest computer and programs to edit.
And I Can do it.
PS this picture below is a prime example of someone in the crowd with an Iphone who was taking pictures from their seat. This person approached me asking why i had two cameras and asked how do they get a photo pass. then proceeded to show me their IPHONE telling me they are a photographer too and the Iphone was their camera they showed me their shots just taken with the phone. I smiled and put on a fake smile and told her Don't ever give up on your dreams. But deep inside it irked me that a cell phone could capture perfect light balance with the push of the button mean while i have to tell my camera what i want it to do with the F stop and Shutter speed and make sure i have the right lens for the job. But the times are changing and i just have to accept that and strive to do my best to keep my images crisp and fresh and let my work speak loud for its self and see what comes next.
I'm still unsure of whats next but I'm hoping its more Photo shoots, More Photo Credits, And maybe even enough pay from doing it that i can call it a career again.
For now its MY PASSION emerging from the black swap and I'm ready to embrace that.
I still don't know why. But I'm on an active mission to figure it out.
If you don't hear from me as often as usual, or don't see me as much its because i am focusing my energy on Number 1 Myself. And trying to figure things out. I have a bad habit of putting everyone else in life before myself and this has to stop. Its my time to be selfish. Its about time i do me.
I had a chat with Brian and he stands by me with this decision. He knows i devote too much energy to trying to make the world including him happy and i leave me for last. He told me he is going to try to help out as much as possible to make it easier on me.
He hasn't seen me as beat i was when i got home from work on Monday after photographing the show Sunday night then staying up till 2:30am editing and then waking for an 8 hr shift of work at 5am.
The picture below was taken after all of that.
I went home that night and passed out and slept till the next day when i had to go to work.
I woke in a super happy positive mind frame that i was going to take over the world.
and on my way to work life struck again.
More like while i was at a complete stop waiting in traffic i got hit by a SUV from behind.
GGGRRR DAMN.
I am OK and my rear bumper is just slightly shifted and dented.
The woman basically said she didn't mean to do it and said she was late to work just as i threw on my hazards, just then traffic started moving again and she handed me her actual Insurance card and pulled away.
Wow.
I am now dealing with her insurance company and learning interesting things about how the state of Oregon handles things like this.
But
Right now I think This accident was just life's way of saying um don't go getting too excited
This journey isn't going to be that easy.
There are many more curve balls coming your way so try to be alert and watch out for them.
There is still a long hard road ahead of me and Ive made it this far.
Whats a few more million miles, I'm just hoping i find a nice long fresh paved road in life to cruise on for a just little while.
I CAN DO THIS.
I would like to thank you for reading my extremely Long Post this week.
And thank you for following.
Please feel free to share the link to my blog with anyone you know who may enjoy it.
I hope you enjoyed
Till next time Ill be trying to keep my head up and focusing on finding myself again.
Day dreaming of Things on my AMAZON.COM wishlist that i will one day be able to afford, and trying to find motivation and inspiration to start on some long over due art projects.
and day dreaming of Vintage Cameras.
Oh and before i end this. I know i have been posting alot in My Blog about my friends Danielle and Shawn who are expecting a baby girl very very soon. Good news She is expected to deliver any hour now. So with their permission i will try to post some pictures in my next blog of their beautiful bundle of joy.
I'm so excited to meet Raven their daughter and am praying for a safe and fast delivery of a beautiful healthy baby girl.
I cant wait to be an aunt.
Till next time.
To see some more of my old photo publications
or
Sincerely
