Why hello again and thanks for coming back to yet another peek into my life and my mind. This blog starts out with a little run down of my trip to cali with lots of pictures.
Then i give you a little peek into my mind and the insanity that has been brewing up in there.
and i finally touch on my divorce why, how, and what has happened since.
maybe I'm out of line but here it goes. ENJOY!!!!!
Up Up and Away!!!!
And off to California.
Nothing like a view out your window of multiple Volcanos As i leave from Portland's Airport heading South. I love Flying so This 2 hour flight was The best. I was Blessed with sitting next to an amazing Woman Who i had the Pleasure of chatting with the whole flight down. It made my flight seem like it was no more than 30 minutes.
Upon Landing I was greeted with a Surprise. Riley had flown in from Utah to greet me in SO Cal where we originally met.
From there i had to Take a taxi to pick my rental car.
Go figure they gave me a Toyota Yaris. It was a great car minus the fact that the
Speedometer was in the center of the dash board which was annoying but it was great on gas.
From there i had the pleasure of heading over to the California DMV. Check out the line just to get in the door. We spent a total of 5 + hours there just so i could prove to california that i really did leave their state 3.5 yrs ago. This was a must so they would stop sticking their broke sticky little hands in my bank account via the franchise taxation board. Its said that not only am i dealing with divorcing my husband but i had to Divorce the state of california too. The only difference was the state of california was easier to deal with and i plan on going back to California.
Maybe i should have used this fancy QR code placed on the wall just inside the door to make an appointment. But they hid it inside the door so i had to wait in the long line to discover it.
After the long day on a plane and at the DMV i drove out to Brea California to have a meeting with The Yeti Team. But i was a little late due to traffic and got to meet with Nick and His amazing wife.
From there back down to Huntington beach and off to get In and Out Burger.
YUMMM... This place has the best fast food burgers ever and you can get them protein style so there is no Bun.
Upon leaving In and Out Riley discovered she had lost her ID on the plane.
So the only bar in the area i knew she could get into was one she used to work at.
We pulled into the lot to see this beauty of a car.
And into Johnny's Saloon we went. I decided that i had to drive so i didn't drink but Riley had a blast hanging with old friends and chatting up a storm. I spent most of my time there chatting with my friend Kevin and the door guy. All while trying to figure out where we were off to for the night.
Just then my phone went off with an invite to come have a drink and reclaim one of my favorite couches to crash on. So i grabbed Riley and off we went to the Valley we went to see the man pictured below. I feel like I'm seeing way too much of Jonny U Lately but its ok cause I've known him for years and in a weird way he's sort of like brother or something. I get compared to him a lot but i believe its cause we are both from back east and have the east coast mentality that some people from the west coast don't quite get. It was a fun interesting night and i know he is not at all thrilled that i took this picture but I'm sure he will get over it.
The next day Riley and i parted ways she went off to HB to see her cousin and i went off to Venice to meet up with my friend Ro to have Lunch. Ro is also from NJ. We had met while working in the music industry years ago, And managed to keep in touch. Ro owns War Machine Marketing and is sort of amazing at what he does. We had an amazing meal while Looking out at the Ocean.
The sun felt amazing but drained me of what ever energy i had from going to bed late the night before.
I had plans with Arabia and Rashelle to go to Bar Sinister in Hollywood.
After an amazing chat with Ro I headed back to Hollywood with a pit stop at one of my favorite California Coffee Shops Yup Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.
From there it was off to get changed at Rashelle's Now my issue was i no longer own goth clothing to wear out and am still becoming comfortable in my body again so i allowed the girls to Pick me out an outfit and dress me up to their liking i figured who do i have to impress?
Below is Arabia, Chris, Me and Rashelle all dressed up and ready to go out on the town.
all the girls were in heels so they insisted that i had to wear heels too. I was unsure if i could still walk in such shoes but put in my best attempt and tip toed around all night hoping not to fall.
Here is a 360 view of the outfit.
We were caught by the photographers. I stole these off Bar Sinister's website.
Below is Rashelle and Arabia.
And then me and Chris. I look almost amazon next to all my tiny short friends.
Not the most flattering pic of me but oh well.
After my first night out in hollywood and 2 nights of minimum sleep
I started wondering if life was trying to run me over. It was almost like my mind went into shock from playing happy house wife for all these years.
So with that being said i decided to take the trip down a notch. I realized i was doing what i usually do and was trying to please everyone without putting myself first. SO i thought what do i want to do with my day. I decided That the Ocean was calling my name and I wanted to go down to Good Old sunset beach where i used to live and go swim like a fish and soak up the sun.
I also decided I wanted to share this day with 2 Amazing friends who i grew up with in NJ.
Lenny and Colleen. I have known them for what seems like forever. Im going to guess since i was 14 or 15. And yes we some how managed to keep in touch. Lenny and Colleen are married and just recently moved from NJ to So Cal. It was like we never skipped a day of seeing each other.
Colleen also has a blog of you want to check it out here is the link http://colleenmariek.blogspot.com/2012/06/lost-in-crowd.html?spref=fb
It was amazing to spend time with my friends at the ocean with out a care in the world just frolicking in the water and playing in the sand and chatting up a storm. This is what life should be like every day.
After a fun day at the ocean i showed them around my favorite sections of LBC and Parts of HB. with a pit stop at My favorite punk rock bar and grill in Long Beach The Pike.
The pike is owned by an amazing guy named Chris who was the drummer for the band Social Distortion. He used to look out for me like a dad when i lived down there.
An amazing pike burger and a bloody mary was just what the doctor ordered for this amazingly relaxing day with great friends.
After food we drove down PCH to catch the sunset. I suddenly remembered this is one of the reasons i love huntington beach
Woke the next day and off to work with Yeti.
This was my view while working outside with the Yeti Team.
Does life get any better than this?
After work it was back off to Holly weird to see my favorite lady from New Zealand PANDIE!!!! and her friend Jess who had just flew in to town for a few days. We headed off to dinner at the Rainbow Bar and Grill on Sunset for a fun girls night full of giggles. I don't know why i don't have more pics from this night cause we met up with a lot of amazing people like my friend Gina's friend Kevin who is from NJ who is out in cali working on his music project feel free to google him and his music his name is Kevin West.
The next morning i met with Arabia again to grab breakfast at a place called Swingers that had great gluten free and vegan breakfast amongst the traditional breakfast foods too.
I got the honor of watching Rashelle and Arabia practice their moves at their Lyra class.
I don't know if i quite have enough upper body strength to even try such things but it was cool to watch.
Later that night i found out that my friend Bobbie was in town from texas and i had not seen her in 5 years since i made a pit stop in Ohio on one of my cross country journeys to see her. She is so beautiful.
I love this lady with all my heart and am so happy i had the honor of spending time with her and showing her around hollywood.
A photographer caught us at the Viper Room after We were comped to get in the door. Life was Ok and i was having fun.
What is with me looking so horrible in photos take of me out and about lately?
The next day back to work with the amazingly fun Yeti Team.
And i got to take pictures of their App Friendscan.me in action.
See doesn't that look like a fun way to connect with people.
go to http://friendscan.me to give it a try and get your own social media digital code card
after work i decided to head back to Huntington beach to meet up with my old room mate chris and his room mate rob. Chris was one of my first room mates when i originally moved to California a million years ago. He is a kind soul and so much fun to be around.
Next morning i did a little work then went off to apartment hunt in HB and while waiting to see one we decided to hit the beach to catch some sun and enjoy the ocean.
Pictured below is huntington beach pier
I can't tell you how amazing it was to see and feel the sun.
Oh how i missed you sunshine.
i don't think i need to even say it but...............
I could spend the rest of my life right there relaxing on the beach, listening to the waves, and playing in the Ocean.
Oh yeah and riding a beach cruiser to get around town.
I know what your going to say. Yes i did way too much bouncing back and forth between OC and LA but its ok i love driving and haven't seen most of these people in years so i tried to fit them all in a short amount of time and did it with success
From the beach it was back off to LA for dinner to see my Dear friend Adam who used to work for Jager Music. I have known him since i was 18 and back when he lived in NJ too.
I swear i know more people from NJ in LA than i do people from LA.
Damn Transplants. LOL
After a great dinner at Saddle Ranch the waiter brought me over a mountain of cotton candy which i did not take a single bite of cause pure sugar is not in my diet.
i bet you'll never guess what i did the next day.....
LOL I decided i wasn't going back to Portland just yet so i changed my flight, extended my rental car and decided to go to work with the Yeti Team. I sort of love them.
But i was missing my Mac mini. My IBM Think pad aka the dinosaur was not being the best computer to get what i needed to get done , done.
Sorry i had to throw this in randomly for a giggle.
After work it was back off to LA and a whole lot of sitting in rush hour traffic. I swear i am the only person in LA who does not mind the traffic. It gives me time to think and get lost in my own mind in a good way.
Upon arriving in LA i decided to take a drive up the hills to snap a picture of the Hollywood sign to add to this update. I love driving those twisty roads.
AFter being a tourist i got a call from my friend Ambah Who i had not seen in 5 years. Ambah is a professional stylist and has a clothing Line. She was one of the first ladies i made friends with upon moving to Cali. We worked together for a few years too. We decided That the bar Happy endings would be a great place to grab a bite and catch up.
It was amazing to see her. She is so beautiful, I missed her tons.
The next day was a rough one for me. Just after booking my flight to LA the first person i got excited to see was my friend Mikey who was the first guy i met upon originally moving to California. Only to be informed he passed away the next day. His memorial at Venice Beach was scheduled for a saturday and since i extended my trip i figured i would go say my good byes. I woke early and off to Venice Beach i went. It was a touching morning all of the amazing people who showed up to say their good byes.
I was a bit emotional so decided to say my good byes from a distance since i really didn't know many of his other friends and didn't want to meet new people with tears in my eyes. I did walk up for a slight moment to snap the above picture but quickly disappeared back into the back ground.
His memorial was a traditional paddle out where a bunch of his friends paddled their boards out and spread his ashes into the ocean while people watched from the beach and the pier and dropped flowers from the pier. I can not take credit for the picture below but i hope who ever took it doesn't mind me borrowing it, Considering i was not close enough to get as good of a shot with my phone as they did.
One day i will learn to surf. Mark my words. I find such comfort in the ocean.
After saying my good byes i decided to wander Venice Solo and go check out the amazing Graffiti and all the other amazing things venice beach has to offer.
I love this place and have considered moving here but i feel now is not the time but maybe one day down the road.
More amazing Graffiti in Venice Beach
I wandered over to the Venice Skate park later on and was watching the Kids Skate.
Some of them were pretty good. Made me think back to the old days of skating growing up.
We did not have amazing skate parks like this where i grew up these kids are so lucky.
From there I realized i have been in California for almost over a week and i had still not ventured off to my favorite relaxing, thinking, watch cute surfers, and find awesome sea critters beach just north of Malibu.
So off for a drive on PCH north i went.
PCH is the Pacific Coast Highway and runs all up and down the west coast and is one of my favorite roads to drive in the whole USA.
What is there not to love about this view.
After a short drive through Malibu I finally arrived at my favorite beach.
And the tide was high so i couldn't wander out to the rocks to find sea critters such as star fish and so on. But the surfers were surfing and the sun was shining so i don't think i could find a complaint to be said.
Just listening to the waves crash eased my mind and my soul.
i took a dip in the ocean and decided to lay out relaxing to my music on my iPod.
while laying there gazing off into the ocean watching the surfers. i felt a tap on my shoulder. My first thought was who is touching me and why? I turned around and to mu surprise a very handsome blonde haired blue eyed guy with a body to die for was standing over me holding a surf board. I took my head phones off and was like Um hi? We chatted for a bit and the whole time i was chatting i was wondering why is he talking to me. There were barbies on the beach don't you want them?
I don't think my no make up beach day look was too impressing but it got me my first phone number of being single which i will probably never use. Cause I'm chicken shit.
After getting slightly sun burnt talking to that sexy man on the beach i went off to meet my friend Ro for Lunch again in Venice. We laughed and giggled and had a great time over a bite to eat.
I hope good things start happening for Ro. He is a great guy with a lot of talent and needs more people to see the potential he has in his line of work. Heck if i had my own business i would hire him.
From there i was off for more alone time in my fact rental And realizing my hair was doing amazing things and my skin was just as red as a lobster.
I think i spent too much time in the sun. OUCH!!!!
My red bunny ears tattooed on my butt now blend in with my sun burn.
I decided me and my freshly sunburned body were going to wander Hollywood Blvd to walk the stars and check out what kind of crazies were out that night. I found this guy who was interesting too bad he wasn't giving out get out of hell free cards like one of the last guys i ran into with one of these signs.
After a bit of wandering I decided to wander over to the Burgundy Room to see my friend Brane who was Djing. It was nice to see his face again.
I found adorable panda candy apples that were so tempting to get to bite into but my goals of a flat belly wouldn't allow that. But aren't they cute?
The next day it was OFF to Huntington Beach to enjoy my last day in California.
I went down to meet up with Chris and Rob who i think i forgot to mention above are going to in a sense be my new house mates when i go back to California. Chris and Rob offered me a place to stay to get on my feet and they are amazing guys who are like brothers to me so i know I'm safe and they won't let me fall on my face and get in trouble.
Rob was still sleeping when i arrived so i insisted on waking him up to get ready to head to the beach.
Chris had work which made me sad. But another old friend from NJ Chuck who had moved to California a month before who is working on selling a movie he wrote showed up. It was so amazing to be reunited with so many people from back home. I can't even express how much i needed to be around other east coast mentalities and the sun and i got it all on this trip.
So Chuck, Rob, and myself slathered on the sun screen and piled into the car to head over to meet Lenny and Colleen at the beach for my Last day in Cali.
We played in the ocean and laughed the day away.
The best part of the beach was we were all out in the waves talking and playing and out of no where Rob just takes off with out saying a word. It was almost like he was running on water. We turn around and ask where he is going as he is sadly back on the sand and he calmly says SHARK. Um thanks rob for leaving us all out here to get eaten. LOL. I turned to Colleen and she stated that it was 2 dolphins not a shark.
Thanks for the heart attack and great story though Rob.
We laughed about that for the rest of the day,
After we realized i was starting to look more like a lobster we decided food was in order.
Back off to the PIKE and since i looked like a lobster why not order up some Lobster Tacos which the Pike is Famous for.
Colleen was not pleased with the drunken crowd seated next to us as you can tell by her face.
But they made for lots of laughs and great conversation later.
Chuck and rob kept telling me they felt like they were frying in the sun cause we couldn't figure out which direction west was cause the ocean is not directly west in Long Beach. That we discovered later when the sun went the opposite direction of where we thought it would go.
Dear California I love the Curls you create in my hair. I love the color you turn my eyes, and the golden color you turn my skin. I love the smile you put on face.
My last night in California was spent with Chris, Rob, and Chuck.
I was bitter to know in only a few hours i was going to be waking up returning my rental car and getting on a plane back to Gloomy Oregon. I passed out in my sleeping bag while watching a movie.
I woke the next day and off to the airport i went. Good old Jet blue was taking me back home.
I love flying jet blue and i love flying but i really didn't want to get on that plane.
Up Up and away i went looking out over the beautiful ocean and the cloudless sky.
The tears filled my eyes and I cried the whole flight back.
I decided to attempt to write a little on the plane and was actually shocked with what came out.
Usually i don't like letting people see me cry but figured i would post the following picture to remind my self just how un attractive i am when i cry.
5 minutes on the plane.
I begin to feel my happiness drain.
The thought of going back, Makes me wish for a heart attack.
37000 ft up in the air. My mind should be without a care.
looking out over the world. Flying free like a little bird.
Sitting here in Silence scared to utter a word.
2 hours later we decent down through the gloom.
This is all way too much for my mind to consume.
The thoughts running through my head, Tell me I'm better off dead.
Why oh Why am I already seeing Red?
20 minutes back in town i feel my face start to frown.
The tears fill my eyes.
4 weeks to go.
WILL I SURVIVE?
Below is what i saw out the window upon arriving to portland. I thought planes flew over the clouds. Not in PDX they fly between the clouds and the Gloom.
It was a very bitter sweet return.
Yes i missed Danielle, Shawn, Raven, Tiffany, and of course MY CAR and MY MAC MINI.
But i didn't feel like i was HOME. :(
My heart and my mind was left in Cali.
Don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid cause i know too many of you care about me and would be mad if i disappeared but this city sort of brings me down and knowing what i had to deal with over the next few weeks isn't helping my happiness level.
So I know you all are probably more interested in what has been going on with my Divorce and where my mind is as a posed to my fun times in California with great people. But i had to start with the overload of pictures and the run down of the amazing time i had.
Well it has been rough living in such a small city like portland and trying to be super nice to Brian and remaining friends. But sometimes things happen that could push a lady over board and make it feel like someone just stabbed me in the Heart.
I've been trying to be careful about what private information I share about my divorce, but the silence is killing me.
Yes, I was the one who brought up that I was unhappy with a lot of things. Brian and I couldn't agree on the the thought of one day having a child- I'd like to have one one day, he doesn't want any at all.
Then I slipped into a deep depression, and Brian's solution was "I'm going to go out and drink while she's on the couch hating life."
I started questioning my past, my present, My future and all around who I was.
It was brought to my attention that these weren't good things to be questioning.
After many arguments, and me feeling lower and lower.
I started the discussions of "do you think we will be better off apart?"
I have been feeling like we are just friends living under the same roof for some time now.
His selfishness and theory of "It's my day off and I'll go get drunk if I want to" started to bother me (amongst many other things).
I started to realize that if i would have dated him, I probably wouldn't have married him.
I felt like he didn't want to do anything fun with me. And fun for him now seemed to only revolve around going to bars and getting drunk. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't drink with him. I couldn't hike with him cause he didn't have the patience to wait up for me. It was like we really weren't into the same things - things i was into, he could care less about.
I decided to give him the choice. Am I worth giving up a few days of not drinking? Trying to get him to meet me in the middle, make me happy, and try to work on fixing our broken marriage.
Instead, he decided he wanted to allow the 3.5 years of marriage go down the drain in the blink of an eye. He continued to drink and rebelled to prove he is THE MAN and no one can tell him what to do.
So I flew home and told my family personally what was about to happen, and i promised i would stay strong. I figured i would stay in the apartment for a few months and save up $$$ to go out into the world on my own. But he wanted me out ASAP. I gave him the apartment and the furniture since i couldn't afford that place on my own. You ask why the furniture? well, i have nowhere to keep it, and the less stuff i have to move back to cali, the easier it will be.
I took 99% of the bridal shower stuff, which he thought was wrong, but it is what it is.
I was walking away from my safety net cause Money isn't the whole world to me and i had had enough.
A few days after moving out, i returned to the house to find a female's razor in the shower that wasn't mine.
I lost it. I thought we were going to be friends and I couldn't believe that he already had a girl in my home. (Yes, i know i walked away from the marriage, but my name was still on the lease)
I felt betrayed but he swore she wasn't his girlfriend.
Upon arriving Back to Oregon i stopped by in the AM to get my Mail and politely rang the door bell, even though I still had the key to let myself in. When he answered, just what he said, my heart dropped and I thought, "OH SHIT! She's here."
This was not a happy scene. It broke my heart to the point that I was shaking and couldn't breathe.
She wasn't even cute. It was like he went and found the first girl who would look his way and decided to claim her. I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter how much it hurts and even though i feel weak for still caring about him as a person, that were good reasons of why i was unhappy. There were solid reasons why i left.
After that, he told me he wanted papers filed ASAP.
We rushed our marriage, so why not just rush the divorce too.
The next day we went down to the court house and filled out all 500 pages of the Divorce papers.
It was a mission filling those papers out without a Lawyer.
Half of those papers are written in such a complicated way, you feel like you have no clue what they say.
Why is it that marriage papers are so easy and cheap, but divorce papers are like reading latin?
But like a tough cookie, i filled them out and read them out loud to him, explaining what i could along the way. 5.5 hours later, we handed them in and paid the fee. We got our copies and were informed that he can't take me off his health ins till this is final, I can't cancel his renters ins, and I AM NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE FROM THE STATE OF OREGON TILL ..... We get approval that we filled the papers out properly.
FUN. The state of Oregon has me on lock down from moving forward in my life.
Just what i need.
Ive been having my ups and downs hourly. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm on the edge of my seat and full of anxiety. Im trying to get everything in place for when i can escape. I made all my doctors appointments and figured i should get my teeth cleaned, and an all around health check up while i have insurance since i haven't been to a doctor since i was 21. Besides Plan parenthood to get Birth control and my regular check up and tests to give me that awesome clean bill of health. But i feel maybe i should have my blood pressure, vision, and so on checked out too.
Ive been doing the math on how much its going to cost to get to Huntington beach, How much i need to pay my bills, $$$ for food, These doctors visits, And all that fun stuff.
Of course Murphy's law had to step into place and now something is wrong with my car and come to find out it is a $575 fix, not to mention my out tail light that needs to be fixed too.
I just have to believe i can do this. Lately, i have been been finding my motivation and surviving off other people telling me they believe in me. I really have to learn to believe in myself for once but its so hard. It kills me that everyone thinks I'm so strong and tough, but most of me being strong and tough was me having someone in the back ground behind the curtains telling me they believed in me, which gave me a false sense of hope. But when those people fade to black and go MIA from my life, I lose hope again. I know I'm a bit much for most people. Im not traditional by any means. Im not the most girly girl at all. But i need to realize some where inside of me is a very strong woman who knows right from wrong and can do anything if she puts her mind to it. But thats easier said than done.
I have been feeling like a broken doll. Very very Fragile. For a few weeks, i was very uncomfortable with guys looking at me. I felt i was doing something wrong, forgetting i was single, but, oh yeah, without a ring on my finger, i guess they think I'm fair game. I am starting to become more and more comfortable in my own skin
But I don't want another man just yet.
I can't find comfort in a strangers arms cause the pain will still be there when i wake in the morning and leave.
I have so many friends that have my back and keep telling me I'm amazing, and i can do this.
but its so hard to believe them. Its like your my friend or my family isn't that in the script of what you have to tell me in some weird unwritten law?
I mean everyone is coming out of the blue telling me they never approved of my marriage UM why didn't you say something back then?
Yes i know you couldn't have stopped me from getting married cause i did that without telling anyone like hey surprise i jumped the gun on this shit.
But you all could have told me your honest opinions.
Im all about honesty. To the point my mom told me yesterday that sometimes i should mask the truth just a little.
But mom I can't bring myself to do that as you know and have known for years.
And you all wonder why i turned to a complete stranger to vent to and tell my entire life story to of why i am the way i am.
I just never expected that stranger to continue to write back for a few months.
Though they did and i now see certain things in a new light i guess it all worked out for the best for the moment, For the most part i guess.
Yes i am referring to the anonymous stranger who helped me find hope in the strangest of all places.
I value the help this person gave me BUT.......
It seems like, i either scared that person away, or annoyed the hell out of them. who knows? I maybe even over stepped a boundary with them to the point that they went MIA on me.
I sort of saw that chapter ending that way but wished it wouldn't have.
I started to feel like i gave this person too much of my self by telling them some of my darkest secrets.
I realized i really didn't know them hench the word stranger.
I should just kick myself for making yet another decision with out thinking it through fully.
And i need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Im becoming the master of creating awkward moments for myself lately.
I can't wait to see how all these awkward moments pan out in the future.
I sometimes wish this life thing wasn't so confusing, but then i realize maybe I'm just over-thinking things .
I wish i knew how to stop doing this, but i don't.
Too much Idle time for me is a bad thing. Im safer thinking on long car rides .
Im usually a firm believer that i should never burn bridges, but lately my life is playing out more like this quote:
"We cross bridges, when we come to them we burn them behind us with nothing to show for our progress except the memory of the smell of smoke and the presumption that once our eyes watered."
I need to learn that Knights in shining armor don't exist.
Fairy Tales don't come true.
And regardless of what Janis may believe neither do dragons which is so sad.
I keep wanting to believe that HAPPY ENDINGS are real but the story isn't over just yet.
Im off to the Gym which i have been slacking on going to since i left for California.
I do believe it is time to start doing that working out thing again.
Thank you for reading, following, and commenting.
The link to my blog will change when the courts restore my maiden name again.
Here is hoping that This divorce goes through quickly and i can get everything else in order quickly so i can get back to cali.
Let the count down begin.
and just a ending side note regarding the ex husband.
I don't wish any thing bad upon him but i wish he had a little more respect for me.
Though i still hope he finds happiness what ever it may be to him one day.
