A Long over due update

Well hello again. sorry for the delay in update but i haven't felt like writing considering so much has been going on and Ive been trying to focus on ME!!!!

But as i left off in my last blog Danielle had gone into labor and i swore Raven would be arriving in any hour.

Well to say the least it was more like i think 72 hours. Danielle is one tough cookie. and she is very lucky to have such a sweet, supportive, strong, and caring husband.

I cant imagine 72 hours of Labor. Wait i cant imagine 1 hour of labor.

But RAVEN JAMES has arrived . She was 9lbs and 7ozs and 21 inches at birth and is beyond beautiful and one of the most well behaved newborns i have ever met. She is perfect in every way.

With Danielle and Shawn's permission of course I decided to post a few pictures of Raven.

And Danielle and Shawn with their new born beautiful baby girl.

I wish i could take credit for taking some of these photos but I CANT.

They are all borrowed off Danielle and Shawn's Facebook Page. 

And i believe one or two were sent to me by Shawn. 

Below pictures were taken hours after ravens birth. She is so precious.  

I figure I should also update you all on how I'm coping with the rest of life too.

Ive had my ups and Downs since my last update.

Raven being born was a Big up.

But then i had to go back to work in the mail room. Which was sort of starting to depress me big time. I also had a lot of unanswered questions on my mind that were taunting me.

Blasts from the past continued coming out of the wood work which i was sort of on the fence about reconnecting with them.

I just didnt understand why these people felt a need to look me up but my guess is life felt like making my days more difficult to deal with.

And Brian and i were not seeing eye to eye on everything too.

My depression started to hurt.

Portland's Bi Polar weather even started to take a toll on my moods.

If you are asking what do i mean by Bi Polar weather lets just say (the sun would come out for a tease, Then you go to walk out side n it starts pouring, then all of a sudden you hear a noise like someone is dumping rock salt on the roof from a plane but no worries its only hail.)

Then you wake up to snow and by noon its 60 out.

Oh did i mention raccoons like playing in the snow outside my front door.

Their paw prints let me know they visited.

I was considering going to a tanning salon just to get some sunshine to try to make me feel better.

But then i got scared of the fake sun. I decided i need real sun and began missing California.

I know sunshine will help my mood.

I invested in some huge sun glasses to hide behind. Even though its cloudy here most of the time. But i was Figuring if my sunglasses were big enough maybe i would be invisible. Turns out i was wrong.

I figured i needed to try to talk to Brian about whats been going on in my mind and how i feel. So we hopped in the car and i drove really far away in a direction we had yet to explore.

PS if i post on Facebook that I'm going MIA. It probably only means for the day no need to worry about me.

Ive made it cross country a few times solo and slept in my car most of the way to save $$$.

Trust me Road trips even if only for a few hours are usually the best therapy for me.

 I started Heading NW to a few towns i cant pronounce nor remember how to spell and over the mountains on a beautiful piece of wooded road with alot of motorcycles out for a ride. ( Oh did i mention life decided to make a motor cycle kick up rocks at my windshield and yup a NICE BIG CHIP. In my brand new windshield)  way to set the tone for the day. Just then  i looped back east and back through Portland and over to the gorge to take Brian over the Bridge of the Gods that takes us to Washington and is the one part of the PCT i know i can drive on here.

After a bit of sight seeing I sort of asked when a good time to discuss some things would be. He said UM, Now? I basically opened up and poured everything built up inside me out.

To say the least i gave him a few things he could start doing to make my life easier and not make me feel like i have to be super woman and save the world, as well as try to be there for everyone while I'm hurting inside and keep leaving myself for last.

He said he would try.

After arriving back at home i spent the rest of the night with my new best friend pictured below.

Yup Rubber duckie your the one.

After coming clean with Brian and the world that Ive been battling with depression alot of people contacted me saying they never knew. They had no clue, and then the questions of WHY?

Why? I wish i knew. I have some ideas but am not comfortable with going that deep into things right now here.

Just remember ............................

The next day after an interesting night to say the least Tiffany showed up at my door to go look at a few cars for herself off craigs list. In between looking at Cars that were not what they were posted as we stopped by a place to get my Chip in my windshield fixed before i have to buy another new windshield.  Turns out Insurance covers rock chip repairs.

This was interesting cause we were allowed to remain in the car while they did it.

Picture below is the guy working on my window.

The guys even brought us the strongest coffee ever while we watched the repair in the car.

Then we went off to wander the world. We discovered Easter was coming soon by seeing random eggs on the floor in a store. PS i was totally willing to follow that cotton tail to Easter (pictured above).

It was a fun day with Tiffany. We really are T&T Dynamite adventures. I will admit i cracked a few smiles that day. But when the day was done i was left with my own thoughts again.

I decided maybe making more paper cameras would make me feel better.

But when the camera was done i just wished i had another to keep my mind and hands busy.

So then i resorted to some sleepy time tea. (which may i say is so good)

While drinking my tea i realized maybe if i change the way i eat and live maybe i will feel better.

So sleepy time tea is now part of my life every night to help me wind down from the insanity of my day.

I decided to go spoil myself at the Lush store and Go organic in what i use on my body and face.

A bath bomb to relax away stress, Ocean salt face scrub that is also eatable.

The most amazing massage/Lotion bar called Wiccy. and an array of samples of shaving cream, hair product, a lotion to help my hands heal from the paper cuts and other hazards of working in the mail room, and many many more amazing products. And of course My best bud Rubber Duckie.

( i really need to name my duckie)

Any suggestions?

The next day i told Brian i was joining a GYM. I discovered a 24 hr fitness not far from my house with a Complete Gym, A Pool, Sauna, Steam Room, Jacuzzi, and free classes. All for a reasonable Price.

My selling point to Brian was if i go to the gym maybe i will eventually be able to keep up with him while hiking. Though i have no plans of hiking with him any time soon. (Sorry babe its just the truth, ask again in July when its warm in the mountains.)

I even started eating a little better. Sort of i guess you can say a bit more of an Organic diet. If i cant pronounce or have never heard of whats in it i am not going to eat it. And NO Fast food.

Though with the Maple Pecan Glory cereal I'm still trying to figure out where they are hiding the GLORY.

Ive been trying to do 4-5 days a week at the gym for 1-3 hours a day. Ive been taking 1-3 yoga classes a week, and plan on trying to make it to a zumba class in the near future.

I started setting up a Photography Facebook Page filled with my Pictures i took when i was working as a paid photographer.

I took it upon myself to begging messaging someone Ive never met before who i sort of look up to for some reason about life and such but, I sort of feel like a fool cause Ive been told i can be a bit intense in my words. Even more so to people who have never met me.

But wise words came back in form of a reply for a little while.  

I guess i was looking for an un bias opinion and felt i could best get that from someone i never met before, But knew wasn't a serial killer.

Considering when i speak to my family its always COME BACK TO NJ.....

Um NO, of course i know you all love me n want me closer to you but, I haven't been completely happy in NJ  longer than i can remember.

At the moment i felt like i had no one to turn to and the conversations made me smile and made me feel like someone may be able to give me an honest bit of advice. And to say the least this person's words sort of did motivate me, which lead to me deciding joining the gym was a good option to get me back to feeling like me and rebuilding my confidence, and reminding me to laugh and smile every day. This person also told me alot of inspirational things and alot of other wise words passed down to them by another wise person.

I'm beyond grateful for the few responses i got.

 But The messages have since stopped and its probably for the best. It helped put me on a better path. and i keep thinking messaging that person was maybe my way of trying to get over what people think of me.

 (all while looking for an honest advise from a complete stranger.)

 Maybe one day i could call this person a friend but don't worry I'M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH.

I have bigger things to worry about Like ME.

But let me tell you I'm good at making a fool of myself CAUSE . ..................

Same goes for typing sometimes. I need to learn to reread things before hitting send, especially when venting from the heart. I forget ive lived a pretty crazy life that is far more intense then some may want to hear about.

But I'm coming to the realization that's just me. Im Intense.

Ok so some of you may think Gym get your body back? Umm yeah Ive packed on a few more pounds than i am comfortable with. I was heavier while in NJ which made me very uncomfortable in my own skin and my whole wardrobe. But i lost some of that NJ weight while i was particpating in my friend Jenn's 30 day weight loss program. but even today i still have a few pounds and inches to go till i will be happy.

Brian tells me im perfect but i dont believe him.  

I would like to not have to hide when it comes to bathing suit season. I want to not be afraid of the camera this summer.

I want to be able to fit into alot of my old shirts and pants again too.

So here is a 3 way shot of me flaunting the belly.

NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!!! I'm just pudgy and for some reason i gain weight like my dad. Mainly in the belly. Its crazy i would have a small bit of an hour glass figure if it wasn't for the belly.  Maybe one day. But my legs have gained a little weight as has my butt. EEKKK  and this is the camera and lighting being nice to me.

I want to turn my body into muscle and happiness. I figure theres no better time than now cause as i get older its even harder to take off the weight.

I also decided I'm sort of over this being my every day off life. Sort of boring sitting around and wasting the day.

I also cant stand looking at these All Access Passes.

I feel like i SOLD MY SOUL TO ROCK AND ROLL.

And All I Got Was These Stupid Back Stage Passes.

I really wish i had the money to go back and finnish my degree in Design and photography.

Maybe make a better future for me doing what i set out many years to do.

So instead of dwelling on the past. Its time to start smiling, being goofy, and making myself laugh again.

And enjoying today and working towards a better future.

I'm good at being a goof ball. And considering I was raised by my mom pretty much as an only child, I remembered i used to be damn good at amusing myself.

I figured maybe venturing over to Tiffany's House warming party would do me some good too.

Brian went out with his friend and i headed over to Tiffany's over in the middle of no where with Saige.

Below is Before most of Tiffany's Guests arrived. We had Coffee Time and Story Time with Saige. Don't ask why we gathered on the carpet around Saige on the only chair in that room while Tiffany has a fully furnished living room one room over.

It was nice to see Val who is one of Tiffany's best friends and an to me an old pal who i worked with in So Cal. Turns out she now lives in Washington now and came down for the party too.

Above are some pictures of my favorite points of that night. Not in any specific order.

 #1 (Top picture) story time with Saige was awesome. (Saige is sort of rad if you didn't know)

#2 I felt like i looked good and was happy enough to be out and about.

#3 Meeting The one and only ROCKY was rad. He has an east coast i don't give a fuck attitude.

He's sort of awesome and he had me laughing all night. all i can say is meeting him was sort of EPIC.

#4 And of course Tiffany (Need I say more)

After Pizza, Coffee, and some good laughs we headed over to Tiffany's pool with some bloody beers.

We had a blast

I had a good time. Makes me wish times like that never had to end. But then i guess being stuck in a loop may not be as cool as I'm imagining.

OK Completely off Subject what is up with this Skrillex Music and 50 + yr old men blasting it at my job and out of their cars in traffic. I think dubstep i think tweens rocking out to it.

I saw this below picture and had to borrow it.

Listening to Skrillex makes me think Aliens are about to take over my Brain. But its so catchy.

And i will give it to Skrillex his videos for this insaine music are pretty cool.

But I'm thinking due to all the 50+ yr old people blasting Skrillex out of their car windows in traffic maybe it really is the aliens trying to communicate with us i mean i have seen this driving around Portland lately.

Or maybe these young people are just Keeping Portland Weird.

Work has been getting to me bad and i keep hoping a miracle happens and either they pay me more and give me more hours over there in the mail room to make it more worth my while to be there or theres always the option of DRINKING THE KOOL AID. LOL.

Bottle pictured below was found on one of the machines.

Work started getting to me so bad due to the fact that it slowly day by day seemed more and more like the company was about to go under. No one laughed or smiled and The owner turned off the boiler to save money. SO NO HEAT for the workers while its snowing outside, And even colder in the warehouse. The hours kept getting cut, And then the boss called us in for a meeting and explained he almost SOLD the company but saved our jobs for now. And Moving day for the company was coming soon. Boo......

I kept wishing i fit in this mail tray to hitch a free trip to LA. But I'm too big and i think i could only get my foot n part of my leg in there.

I started breaking out bad from the dirty environment i was working in my hands were rough like sand paper and looking like a girl wasn't even 1/2 an option when you have to wear 3 hoodies, snowboarding socks, 2 pairs of pants and gloves and 3 hoods to stay warm. This was not helping my depression. I began to feel ill. almost as if the flu was getting ready to kick my butt. So i called out. It was like a mixture of a sick day and a mental health day i took Then my boss called and said there was not enough work to have me come in the next day. It was like a miracle or maybe life just wanted to start being my friend again and maybe something better was in the works. I pretty much ended up having the whole week off. and began planning what i was going to get into for the weekend. I had recently told Brian he needed to make a friend who loved hiking as much as him. AND WHAM... ask and you shall receive. Turns out our neighbor a few doors down LOVES hiking. So Brian and our neighbor planned a trip to go to the mountains for Easter weekend and the neighbors wife who you'll never believe this (Is also named Tiffany) was going to drive them so i didn't have to.

So i Planned an EPIC night with my other friend Tiffany. (There are too many Tiffany's in Portland)

But back to an EPIC Night with Tiffany. We decided to have a veggie dinner.

Some Cheese n Jalapeno crackers and DYE Easter Eggs.

I boiled the eggs got the dye ready and to my surprise turns out I of all people don't own crayons.

So Sharpie and Expensive Prismacolor Markers it was to draw on the eggs.

Upon looking for crayons I found a Bunny Ear headband and some fake mustaches.

So of course we had to wear them while dyeing zombie and crazy character eggs.

Below are some of the eggs we created. Tiffany's eggs were the best. I love her I WIN Egg.

Just before Midnight when it turned Official Easter we decided to head down to Devils Point this awesome bar with performers down the road from my apartment to see IVIZIA and have a drink.

IVIZIA has a Jesus puppet and preforms with Jesus to the song Jesus Christ Super Star. It is the funniest, most amazing thing ever. (YES I KNOW IM GOING TO HELL)

But Since My step father used to play Jesus Christ Super Star ever Easter and it became a tradition I had to hear it this year too.

I tried finding a Chocolate Jesus to bring to IVIZIA figuring it would be the best gift to add to her Jesus collection Ive heard so much about. But Portland only has Praying Jesus Hands that said hear my Prayers.

Of Course why would they sell religious chocolate for a religious holiday. Its all about the Easter bunny Right?????

Upon arriving to Devils Point We were still in fake mustaches and i was still in bunny ears. IVIZIA came up to say hi and i asked her (considering Easter is when Jesus came back from the dead) If Jesus was going to rise and take the stage since it was Easter and all. She said give her a few Min's to get Jesus ready.

Tiffany and i Came up with something cleaver yet a little dirty to write on the back of the chocolate.

And yes i believe god will forgive me.

Below are pictures of the chocolate we gave to Jesus and the little note.

And Considering words don't quite explain IVIZIA's Jesus performance I asked her permission to Use a picture or two. Her I LOVE JESUS Shirt and FUCK YOU SATAN UNDIES not pictured here are pretty epic too. Thank you IVIZIA for letting me me borrow the following pictures. 

(GRANDPA SKIP OVER THIS PART)  

For her second 1/2 of the performance she did a fire performance.

She is my favorite performer ever.

Yes that is her pictured below dancing with fire.

If you ever find yourself in Portland on a Saturday night you have to stop by Devils Point and check out her performance. I Promise you wont regret it.

ONLY IN ............................

After a drink or two Tiffany and i returned back to my place to enjoy Easter cake. YUMMMM

Next morning i was woken by my brand new next door neighbors blasting dub step through the wall at the ass crack of dawn.  Damn Alien music. Then a phone call and invite to join my other neighbor Tiffany on the drive out to pick up the boys in the woods. After picking the boys up at the falls we headed over to a winery, retreat place Called McMenamins Edgefield for breakfast. It was a pretty place. Breakfast was a little pricey but it was cool to learn of a new place. Mom and Stan would love this place. It has a Grateful Dead theme to sections of it. And you can watch people blow glass and of what i hear they have concerts there in the summer too.  

We ate then headed home so Brian could make it to work on time.

After he left for work i decided to clean the house dressed up like an Easter Bunny Bandit.

With my music on and the windows open.

No I did not care what anyone thought of me at that moment.

Just like i didn't care what my neighbors in California thought when i was outside my apartment in a full hazmat suit and a Iraqi gas mask on while exterminating Black Widows.

And i used to go to LAX to pick friends up dressed in a giant yellow chicken outfit.

At those moments all of my insecurities of what other people thought of me went out and the window.

And the below statement stood true.

Too bad i cant feel like that in every day life. Maybe one day again i will be able to live with that mind set to stand true everyday.

Upon returning to work the Monday after Easter i found out it was a few days till we were going to the new building. I took my 1st break and checked my email and to my surprise a job i applied to go back to me.

I had applied for a job on craigslist that i was not qualified for it was **EXPERIENCED Car Wrap Installer.

Well my theory was how hard can it be. But according to the guy who responded to me he said due to my back ground he wanted to hire me for sales and marketing. He wanted me to start the following day. It was OK pay not the best but then again i had no experience in this type of sales so i guess ill take what i can get and give something new a try and maybe it will brighten my life up a little with the change of scenery and job. So I notified my manager that it was my last day and she said ok good luck in your next endeavor.

Next morning I woke and got ready and made myself look a bit more like a girl then usual and off i went.

Upon getting to work I was shown where the MAC Computer was and My big Desk. Then i was given a few books to read and told if i have a meeting or need to go out for the job that i can use the wrapped VW Bug.

Purple cow is about standing out in a crowd and being unique and original and unforgettable.

If my boss only knew how much of a purple cow i could be without reading the book he may be shocked. 

They broke the mold after i was made. 

The new job is OK. I still am not sure what i was thinking when i said i would do sales and i also don't know what made me think i would be good at it but here we go. I'm going to give it my all. 

Yes I'm the kid who should have been taught NOT to talk to strangers. Yes i put my all into everything i believe in. But once again my artistic side is on hold and with sales i guess you sell your soul for a penny hoping to get a sale in return and get some commission. I'm sure ill figure it out soon. I just hate this cold call scripted stuff Send me into the world and let me meet people. Let me be me. Trust me they don't want to hear my speech you scripted. Once again Wish me luck in this endeavor. The only thing this job has that's cool is the sky is the limit on what they could turn your car into and they do look pretty cool when they are done. 

I survived my 1st week and haven't gotten a sale yet but learned a thing or two. 

If you want to check out the website of where i work

 CLICK HERE TO BE REDIRECTED TO CORTEZ VIZ WEBSITE  

With me working this new job brian had to step up and start actually riding his bike to work considering we only now see each other a day and a 1/2 a week. and once in a blue moon in passing when im wking and he is going to bed. Though i hear that may change next month with the new schedule they are putting him on.

I hear with this new schedule maybe we will be able to atleast sleep next to each other during the week.

Brian came home with some really  great news on friday. Turns out he completed his 2nd 90 day review and scored pretty well on it and was given another very generous raise. And he was notified that our health Insurance will become effective as of the first of May. Im very thankful that he has been trying so hard at his job and doing a great job of exceeding everyone including his own expectations.  

After a long week at work  and all kinds of exciting news,We finally reach Saturday.

Brian Signed up to donate this Saturday to a good cause.

He signed up with his Job to participate in the Portland MS Walk 2012.

He walked 2179 miles from georgia to Maine on the AT which only took 5 months and 10 days so he figured why not put on the walking shoes for 3.5 miles and an hour or two for a good cause.

He has been working really hard with fundraising for the Portland MS Walk 2012.

Brian was the top fundraiser in his group and he couldn't have done it with out all of you who were so kind to donate.

A Huge thank you to each and every one of you it means alot to us.

We arrived at the walk early to make sure he was registered and got his Dave's Killer Bread Shirt and met with the rest of his coworkers who were walking on the DKB team.

Here he is in the back with one of the owners and rest of his coworkers from various departments and shifts as well as some of their family members.

No Dave wasnt there he was in Idaho on business.

I decided to walk with Brian and his coworkers. I walked for my friend Kim who i grew up with who now has MS. Brian was walking for his friend from Roselle with MS.

It was a beautiful day for the walk and the sun graced us for most of the day.

The route the walk took us was along the waterfront and across 2 of the bridges. It was really cool to get to walk these routes we didn't know about.

The turn out for the walk was amazing. As we walked on the other side of the water close to the front of the crowd we were able to see the whole other side of the waterfront filled with a line of people following us. It was a 3.5 mile walk and there were cheer leaders along the way cheering us on for walking.

People walked with their children and their dogs. Some even dressed their pups up like this adorable Bulldog.

After the walk we went to The Saturday Market for the first time ever and got Food with his company and hung out in the sunshine.

With all the clouds here i almost forgot I'm allergic to the sun till i acquire a base tan. This is why i need 365 days of sunshine in my life.

Upon arriving home i was red and had sun bumps that itched. I decided to take a nap. I woke to the weirdest dream ever. I wonder what is going on in my sub concious that brought on that crazy dream.

We ate dinner and got ready to go check out our friends band ALABAMA BLACK SNAKE at PLAN B.

It was the first night they were playing a show with their new drummer.

I took the following picture in the rest room. I liked the sticker covered mirror frame. 

My legs hurt from being in heels all last night. Its been a while since Ive worn them.

BUT its been a few weeks into me going to the gym and i am already seeing slight changes in my body.

I'm still not where i want to be but i guess its baby steps with this stuff. And no i am not sucking my belly in.

But yes the lighting is being nice to me in this picture.  

I figured since it was so nice out but my body was aching, why not open up the windows including the one in the shower, Fill up the tub, Drop in a geofizz bath bomb, and grab my rubber duckie and take a nice soak to soothe the muscles while enjoying the breeze and smell of flowers coming through the windows.

I just have to remember. To try to stay happy, think positive, stay strong

And continue to.........................

For now its bed time

And i wish i could have gotten into a few other things that have been on my mind but with so many interesting and amazing things happening in the past few weeks i had to focus on my mix mosh that i call my new update. 

I'm going to try to update again in a week so my posts will be more like a chapter instead of a whole novel and more in depth on one subject instead of jumping around.

Till next time thank you for taking the time to read this long long post.

Im off to have sleepy time tea and try to hope for good things to strat happening.