A peek into my past..... Saved by the iPhone

After a scare of this blog being deleted by an Internet bully and replaced with a ton of useless links I managed to save it thanks to my iPhone saving the page in my safari browser. I copied n pasted it and will add the pictures in one by one again. I have since changed all my passwords and deleted the option to be posted via email and learned a valuable lesson. Back up everything I do.  I'm going to start printing out my blogs now. Too bad i cant get my blog to align in the center now as usual. But its still readable i hope.

But enough of that here's the original post. I hope you enjoy.

Hello, I figured that since so much has been going on and i am beginning to want to share more maybe I should update more often so here it is. A NEW UPDATE!!!!!

4:08 October 22nd 1981 my mom looked into my baby blues and my life had just began.
Now its 30 years later and I'm thinking of all ive been through.
(The above is the beginning of a poem my mom wrote for me when i was 5 only a bit reworded to better fit this Update.)

Who would have thought that little girl (ME) pictured below would have experienced as much of life as i have thus far in 30 years of being on this earth.

Yes i know i was a fat little baby.
But if you look at the picture next to the one of me with a bunny that's me with my type writer.
I started trying to write when i was just a wee little girl.

When i look at these pics below I think to my self
(How Young, Innocent, and Curious I was back then)

Since i posted my blog and admitted my depression alot of people have messaged and called me Saying they never knew. They would have never guessed That depression would play a part in my life.
Trust me i wasn't good at hiding it.

If you don't want to read my HONEST , FROM THE HEART Thoughts and whats on my mind
Theres this little button up top with an X on it that will close the window so you don't have to read any farther.
If you choose you read on i thank you in advance.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Ok your still here, Lets continue.

I think my depression started when i was in elementary school.
There was a Halloween when my mom couldn't really afford a Halloween costume for me.
She asked what i wanted to be and I told her a Punk Rocker Like the ones i saw in NYC and on TV.
I think i was in 4th or 5th grade maybe even younger.
My mom said sure we will go get you some colored hair spray for your hair and see what kind of clothes we can dig up that we already owned.
So she found a black skirt that didn't quite come down to my knees but i was a tall kid and had long legs so what ever.
Then she found a leather jacket for me to wear with one of my black dance suits from gymnastics. And colored my hair and put in a pony tail frizzed it out cause i had too much hair to put up in a Mohawk.
She let me wear a pair of her leather boots with socks stuffed in the toes so i could walk in them and she drew some stars on my face like JEM n the ROCKERs. who were totally cool in my book back in the 80's
She sent me to school for the Halloween parade and me thinking i was cooler than Saturday morning cartoons was on cloud 9.
(I wish i could find the pic of me from that Halloween but i think its at my moms house in NJ. )
MOM IF YOU FIND IT SEND IT TO ME AND ILL POST IT IN MY NEXT UPDATE
Well it turns out that 1/2 the girls moms that i was friends with didn't think i was a punk rocker
(They thought i was dressed like a hooker)
According to what my mother tells me it was a lack of tights , me having long skinny legs , and being in a short skirt that made them Judge me.
Oh did you read the part that this was ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
I didn't even know what a hooker was back then.
But that night their moms called my mom and said their kids weren't allowed to hang out with me anymore.
They also said I would be the first kid in town to OD, Get Knocked up, catch a STD and Probably DIE.
Well guess what ladies. I'm still alive, Still STD FREE, Most of your kids had kids in high school and I still don't have kids and I'm 30 ,I Never ODed, and OH wait did i mention I'M STILL ALIVE.

This broke my heart that i wasn't allowed to hang with any of the girls in my small town that i thought were my friends.Considering I was an only child to a single mother who had to work alot at least i had my baby sitters 3 sons to hang with, And My Amazing cousin Jen who lived around the block from me and was only a few years older than me.Other than that I became really good at making up imaginary friends.

To make the situation a lot worse over the summer between 5th and 6th grade my house caught fire in the middle of the night. We lived in a huge old 2 family house and the lady who lived next door was out for the night and her boyfriend decided to torch the place knowing me were sleeping on the other side of the wall. Thankfully the people across the street woke up to get some water and saw the flames and called us to get out of the house. There was no time to grab clothes or anything else. we didn't even have time to grab my kitty cat. So i ran out of the house hand and hand with my mom (in my under ware and a t-shirt) to save our lives. Well here i am standing on my front lawn in tears watching the house i have known since birth as MY HOME burn before my eyes not caring what attire i was in and once again the town mothers had something to say again. (I don't know if you have ever been to NJ in the summer but its HOT, HUMID, and Did i mention hot? Well we didn't have Air Conditioning so i slept in my underwear. Big whoop.
But the town mothers decided Once again that my attire was not proper. But they gave no consideration to the fact that My house was on fire and my life was more important than putting on pants. MY mom agrees.
Here are 2 pictures of the after math of my house fire that burnt down when i was a kid.

Ill get more into that in another post.

Lets move forward.

Middle school didn't get any easier. I was failing every class in 7th grade cause i gave up and couldn't deal with being bullied anymore. I was writing a poem that a teacher took away from me which ended me up in the principals office with my mom. The teacher thought I was suicidal and the school district didn't want to deal with me so they transferred me to another school one town over. (Isn't it just refreshing to know how The school districts back then and probably still today deal with Children being Bullied) Oh we will just push them and their problems onto a different school. Well guess what The cool kids at my new school knew the bullies at my other school and they began bullying me there too. but still i managed to find a few other out casts to call my real Friends.
Who may i add i still keep in touch with from time to time.

By High school my depression grew even deeper to the point my mom took me to a DR. who tried putting me on Prozac but my body rejected it and it turns out I'm allergic to most anti depressants. Then they decided I had ADD and that Adderal would do the trick. (you know keep me focused and keep me happy) Um I'm not all too sure about that looking back. It wasn't my attention span that kept me from learning it was the fact that i hated the people and how they treated me and began to with draw from my environment.
The pills took me out of my favorite hobby.  I was a pitcher (and a damn good one) for an all star girls soft ball team in town and adderall made me so shaky i couldn't pitch anymore and quit soft ball. Im not sure if the Adderall did anything for me but the Dr said i needed it.

I had good days and bad days back then too.

Cause i wore Black and baggy cargo pants and listened to metal It wasn't uncommon to hear people yell at me "WHERES THE WAR B!T(#" Now more than 1/2 of them love metal music. Wow is all i can say. Thanks for being so mean to me back in the day cause of the music i listened to and how i dressed and I'm happy life has been so good and easy for you all. Wish i could say the same. But anyway back to the story.

I managed to stumble into a world where no one knew me and i could be myself once again and not worry about stupid small town Bull Shit that may i tell you even when i was a virgin, even when i dressed in baggy clothes so no one could see my skinny body, and A bit of a tom boy. According to those same girls I was what their mothers dubbed me in elementary school over a Halloween costume.

UNTIL i stepped out of that small town and into the worlds of Black Lights and Drum and Bass.
Mixed together with a NYC Punk/ Industrial and Hardcore World that some may say i was way too young to enter. But my 17 yr old friends did think so. Ill never forget having to be 16 to get into CBGB's and getting turned away for being 14.
After a scare of this blog being deleted by an Internet bully and replaced with a ton of useless links I managed to save it thanks to my iPhone saving the page in my safari browser. I copied n pasted it and will add the pictures in one by one again. I have since changed all my passwords and deleted the option to be posted via email and learned a valuable lesson. Back up everything I do.  I'm going to start printing out my blogs now. Too bad i cant get my blog to align in the center now as usual. But its still readable i hope.


Middle school didn't get any easier. I was failing every class in 7th grade cause i gave up and couldn't deal with being bullied anymore. I was writing a poem that a teacher took away from me which ended me up in the principals office with my mom. The teacher thought I was suicidal and the school district didn't want to deal with me so they transferred me to another school one town over. (Isnt it just refreshing to know how The school dristricts back then and probally still today deal with Children being Bullied) Oh we will just push them and their problems onto a different school. Well guess what The cool kids at my new school knew the bullies at my other school and they began bullying me there too. but still i managed to find a few other out casts to call my real Friends.
Who may i add i still keep in touch with from time to time.

By High school my depression grew even deeper to the point my mom took me to a DR. who tried putting me on Prozac but my body rejected it and it turns out I'm allergic to most anti depressants. Then they decided I had ADD and that Adderal would do the trick. (you know keep me focused and keep me happy) Um im not all too sure about that looking back. It wasnt my attention span that kept me from learning it was the fact that i hated the people and how they treated me and began to with draw from my enviroment.
The pills took me out of my favorite hobby.  I was a pitcher (and a damn good one) for an all star girls soft ball team in town and adderall made me so shaky i couldnt pitch anymore and quit soft ball. Im not sure if the Adderall did anything for me but the Dr said i needed it.

I had good days and bad days back then too.

Cause i wore Black and baggy cargo pants and listened to metal It wasn't uncommon to hear people yell at me "WHERES THE WAR B!T(#" Now more than 1/2 of them love metal music. Wow is all i can say. Thanks for being so mean to me back in the day cause of the music i listened to and how i dressed and I'm happy life has been so good and easy for you all. Wish i could say the same. But anyway back to the story.

I managed to stumble into a world where no one knew me and i could be myself once again and not worry about stupid small town Bull Shit that may i tell you even when i was a virgin, even when i dressed in baggy clothes so no one could see my skinny body, and A bit of a tom boy. According to those same girls I was what their mothers dubbed me in elementary school over a Halloween costume.

UNTIL i stepped out of that small town and into the worlds of Black Lights and Drum and Bass.
Mixed together with a NYC Punk/ Industrial and Hardcore World that some may say i was way too young to enter. But my 17 yr old friends didnt think so. Ill never forget having to be 16 to get into CBGB's and getting turned away for being 14.
I Walked across the street met a group of boys and then got walked in under a bass players arm saying i was his sister, my friends that were old enough to get in walked in behind me and once inside i went to hang with the girls and enjoyed the music.

(No grandpa my mom wasnt a bad mom i was "sleeping at a freiends house" or out with my older friends who mom knew i was safe with)  SEE Im still here in one piece So I must have been safe. Right?


Life started getting better but the day to day CHORE of going to high school to just try and graduate made Monday through Friday hard to deal with.

I figured i would add some pics of me in those days too.
The first one is me posing in front of moms before my JR Prom (I'm in the black and silver dress). I must say i had the cutest gay boy as a date that night. That was a happy Night. The next one over is me in NYC after a Drum n Bass party. You cant see my pants but trust me you could have probably fit me +3 inside of them that's how baggy they were.
And the one on the bottom was taken in the bathroom of a club That used to exist in Asbury Park NJ Called Structure Where you could have found me every Friday night from the age of 16 till they shut it down.
And yes I am 16 yrs old in that pic on the bottom maybe 17 tops.
PS I'm the one in the center

While having a blast on the weekends and dealing with being Bullied Monday through Friday for no damn reason i started writing. Believe it or not i still have every journal and poem book i ever wrote in back then and one day they will help me write my book.
But i found this one poem i wrote and wanted to share it with all of you.

I wrote this when i was 17 and basically pieced together words off rave fliers i had hung on my walls, mixed with random words i cut out of rolling stone magazine and stapled to my walls and Used how i felt at that moment to form this.

A CRY OF A GENERATION
Cries of help lost in a world of confusion and lies after death.
Will still be unforgiven or will they be found?
Lust was lost in a world of suicidal tendencies
That were and still are MAD AS HELL
Found in a world of Purple Haze, White Touch, and Black Lights
You say Lust is so fine
But i think Poetry is such the thing to express the single bright female
inside and out of me
Forget Metaphor and Sarcasm
Still nothing can work
NOT True Love, NOT tough Love, NOT Therapy, or Prayer
You can try to leave things behind
But they predicted RIOTS, Bloodshed, Anarchy and worse
You say "I Hate Myself and want to die"
But to see the light would just be a beginning.
Freedom they tell us a tribute to who?
Don't worry there are many more confused too.




Now that is only one of many i have found but for some reason i felt like sharing it.
Hope you like a sneak peek into what was going through my 17 year old mind at the moment.

But for the moment lets come back to the NOW
You know like as in 2012
Ah it feels good to be back in present day. LOL
I have tried figure out my root of this most recent wave of depression that smothered my life
And I cant find an answer.
Yes i still feel socially awkward but at the same time I realized I really am just different and ITS OK.
Its what makes me I guess ME.
And I'm sort of awesome if you didn't know.
Like a wise man once said maybe i should stop dwelling on the past and trying to piece it together
And start focusing on the NOW!!!!
Well as you all know i got a more positive i guess you can say job, started going to the gym and so on.
Not to repeat myself.
I also realized ........

And My problem is I THINK TOO MUCH.
So maybe if my mind could stay in a positive forward movement
Maybe just then i could WIN.
You know

I stole this off a friends FB PAGE Cause i decided this is the mind set i will wake up every day.

Even if what I'm trying to accomplish seems IMPOSSIBLE.
Cause that poor happy cat will never catch that red laser light dot.
It still wakes with the mind set that it completely can.

Sales Makes me feel like that cat.
I wake up and swear today is the day I'm going to get a chance to close a deal
And then i Finnish my day at work and feel like i just chased my tail all day for a few peanuts.
I thought the below pic was funny that my cousin posted a few days ago so i borrowed it.

In reality The below picture is the out come of my most accomplished moment at work.
Yup i picked out a picture printed it in large scale and Wrapped my office wall.
It is a brick wall with a hole in it with a castle top on the other side.
When I'm having a bad day I imagine myself climbing through the wall to go play in the beautiful castle.

And then i come back to reality when I'm assigned jobs like Play with Photo Shop on my fancy work MAC
And design things like you see below.

Then from time to time i will wander out to the install area and scope out The guys installing Wraps on Vehicles.
The job I actually applied for But didn't get, Cause they As they said they saw so much more in me.
So i continue going to work and keep trying to get a sale.
It would be easier or should i say better if there was a List to work off but Hopefully ill figure it out on my own.  I have to have faith that i can do this. Here are some pictures of an install in progress.

Speaking of people seeing more in me.
Upon contacting a friend out of the blue, He asked if i would be interested in a job with his company.
I asked for more details and decided sure why not.
SO I'm NOW also working at YETI MEDIA
Feel free to check out their website http://www.yeti-media.com/
You ask what do they do well i screen captured their main page of the website to explain

i am learning the art of app development and will be helping launch a few new apps that you should be on the look out for to drop soon?
Now i need to start saving every penny possiable for a MAC Computer of some sort so i can do 1/2 the things i need to and learn so much more.
Upon signing onto the website i realized just how much of a Dinosaur the laptop im working with really is.
But for now i guess its also good to know how sites, apps, and programs react to an older system like mine. But its seriously time to update How am i expected to move forward if im living in the dark ages.

Ok back to what im helping out with and learning at with Yeti Media.

The first one Ive been helping the Yeti Team with Just launched on Friday.
Look Below I'M A QR bar code Go ahead get your cell phone out and scan me with your QR Code scanner.

The yeti team has been Hard at work on this so check it out.
Its called friendscan.me you can go to http://friendscan.me/ to try it out and get your own code.
in a nut shell
Simplify your real world life contacts by translating your social networks into a QR code.
(QUICK RESPONSE CODE)
Others can scan your QR code and add you as a friend instantly! No more fumbling with email addresses spelling names, just scan, confirm, and you're done!
Go check it out give it a try and then go Like it on Facebook and Leave us a little feed back.
Don't look for it in the app store its a web based app with a way for you to save the QR Code to your phone to take with you every where.
There are many other great things in the works coming from Yeti Media too.
Yeti Media also offers consulting services.


Im Very Very excited and Happy to be on the YETI MEDIA TEAM. I still have alot to learn about what im doing but I am going to love every minute of the challenge. I also love the little Yeti creature My friend came up with for the Company. Isnt he cute.

I remember complaining that i wanted more going on in my life.Well careful what you wish for you just may get it. I'm so busy between both jobs and the gym I'm actually re calculating my schedule to fit everything in and make it to bed before 2am. I realized i need to cut back my hours at the Car Wrap place that werent equaling out with my salary and focus that time towards my new job.  and still make it to the gym and sleep.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I think I'm starting to believe them cause i have only seen Brian one day in the past week and I'm actually starting to miss him.Go Figure.
Its not possible for our paths to cross when he works nights and has been picking up shifts on his Wednesday off and i work days and then head to the gym.
Brian has been working hard and moving up in the world with better pay And For the first time in over 11yrs We will officially have Health Insurance Thanks to him and his awesome job at Dave's Killer Bread.
I went up to meet him on break to get the papers he filled out for the insurance just to make sure he filled them out right and he came out looking like the picture below.
He looks like a bee keeper at work but he makes amazing Bread.

I'm not going to give him too much credit cause every time i do he does something to piss me off .
Like wakeing me at 3am when i have to be up at 6 to tell me fraggle rock happens in our fridge.
(DONT ASK I DIDNT) And if you dont know what Fraggle Rock is you are probally too young to be reading my blog. BUt ofcourse i had to add a Picture to remind you and a video i found of the Intro song

You remember these guys right?

So considering i never asked why Brian thought Fraggle Rock Happened in our Fridge, This should give you a giggle. Watch this video and tell me You cant picture Brian being the guy who catches the Fraggle. 

 

I did get to find some time to hang with Tiffany who always manages to put a smile on my face.
We met for Ghost chili beers at APEX

Then she took me to Cirque Du Soleil's OVO performance at the Expo Center
If you don't know what I'm talking about watch the video below its the trailer for what we saw and all i can say is it left me speechless,

Well not really speechless cause i think Tiffany wanted to kill me cause i kept saying OVO just like the fly did the whole way home.
Pictures below are from our Fun night at OVO

OH in case you didn't know T+T+ Adventures = EPIC!!!!!!
Why do i get the Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure feel from the pic of T an me below?

OVO was a nice night of doing something i wanted to do.
So Saturday (The first and only day I get to hang with Brian) I decided we could go do something he has been wanting to go do.
We woke early to go to the Portland Saturday Market and then .............

There is a Hiker Named Andrew Skurka Who has done some pretty HUGE Trails and Hikes who was coming to Hood River to give a presentation on his ALASKA-YUKON Expedition.
Skurka presented an adventure-themed slideshow, “Circling Alaska and Yukon: A 4,700-mile 6-month journey by foot, skis and pack raft through Big Wilderness.” His entertaining and thoughtful presentation featured stunning imagery, emotional videos and some of Skurka’s best stories.
His route passed just beneath Mt. McKinley, descended famed rivers like the Copper and Yukon, and traversed the entire Brooks Range.
During the most remote and committing stretch of the trip, across the Yukon Arctic and Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, he went 657 miles and 24 days without crossing a road or seeing another person – an immersion in Big Wilderness that he found profoundly humbling. 
In this program Skurka shares the journey’s most powerful stories and entertaining moments, complemented with stunning photos and emotional videos. He also reflects on the broader significance of this experience and of his other adventures – which cumulatively measure 30,000+ miles – with particular attention to setting goals, stepping outside comfort zones, and seizing life’s opportunities. You can read more about him and this trip in NAT GEO or by Clicking the link to his website http://www.andrewskurka.com/

So I Got US Tickets. Brian was in his Glory and we were off to HOOD RIVER for the 2nd part of the day.
Even though i thought i wouldn't be into it i enjoyed it alot.
Brian even got his book By Skurka Signed to Smokestack (which was Brian's trail name on the AT)
Which brought up the question from Skurka "Were you a Thru Hiker?"
Brian in all his glory said yes and took that as an open invitation to start having friendly conversation with him about hiking.

Brian even told him the story of how we barely knew each other before getting hitched in Vegas and then Brian telling me "Babe theres just this one thing i have to do after we get married"
I said "what" And he told me he just need to hike 2,179 miles from Georgia to Maine.
And me being such an amazing wife i said sure go do it.
Skurka looked shocked .
Andrew Skurka is a great guy and both Brian and i enjoyed chatting with him both before and after the presentation.
And now Brian has a new book about Hiking GEAR . OH JOY.

Today I woke up to another Beautiful day here in Portland.
Yesterday 75 degrees and SUNNY!!!! And Today was 85 and SUNNY!!!
I LOVE IT!! THANK YOU for the SUNSHINE.
I love the fact that there is NO Humidity like back in NJ. My hair didn't even frizz.
Everything is in Bloom Here and The bright colors of all the blooming flowers and trees are for sure good for me.
These flowers are just outside my back door.

Brian thought That EARTH DAY and all this sunshine meant he should sleep in

I woke up and made myself an amazing meal. After using one of my FREE personal trainer sessions at the GYM. I stepped up my work out and gave my diet an over haul. I Cut ALL Processed Sugar out of my diet and have been eating mostly a RAW ORGANIC DIET.90% of what i eat came from the earth and is Bright, Colorful, and NOT Cooked. with the exception of Nuts, and Cheese once in a blue.
I usually eat chicken for dinner and am only drinking water for the most part.
I still have 1 cup of Black Coffee every morning and cheated and had a beer and Veggie Burrito with Tiffany the other day, But for the most part The picture below best describes my daily food intake Fruits and Veggies.

I have officially Lost 11 lbs in the first month Ive been going to the GYM.
I still have a ways to go cause i still have more body fat than i should and more than i want.
The Gym has also been really helping with my mood.
And i almost feel guilty when i cant make it due to work.

I would like to say thank you to who ever bought me an OBEY tank top off my AMAZON WISHLIST recently.
I love My Urban Roots Tank Top.
I also love what the picture on the front of it means.
I added a picture below of the graphic and words pictured on my shirt.

And i took those words to heart in my own way.
When everything collapses, Plant your field of dreams.
So Today for EARTH DAY I did just that.
Considering I am not allowed to plant in the earth by my back door I decided to start a garden on my back porch. I went to the Garden store down the road from my house and bought some flowers, Tomato plants, Strawberry Plants and some seeds.

The seeds i bought were Lavender and Chamomile and i found a pack of Tree seeds left over from our wedding to plant

I figured all of these would be a good addition to the Herbs I planted a week ago
Pictured below are My Chives, Parsley, and I'm going to call it a mystery plant cause i forgot what else i planted and forgot to label it so i guess we find out in a few weeks.

My back porch gets great sunlight.
I also decided my Flowers needed a cool flower pot and decided to Use an old pair of my shoes to plant them in. I think they look perfect. We put the Lavender, Chamomile, and Wedding seeds next to the shoe slower pots and finally hung the Hammock Bear Brian bought a year ago on sale for $1 outside.
I figured Sleepy Hammock Bear could watch over my mini Garden while I'm at work and keep the flowers and plants company.

Planting this Garden made me very happy today and caring for it will continue to make me happy as it grows and maybe one day produces Herbs, and veggies that i may one day be able to eat and use.
Ah it really is the simple things that make me happy.
Brian and i have been discussing getting a Kitten in the near future.
I would love to have a cute baby kitten but am not too keen on buying them.
My last cat was sort of amazing and could never be replaced
And she randomly adopted me by jumping in my car one day.

But its something that we have been tossing around.
It would be nice to have a furry buddy to hang out with while hes at work.
And it would almost be like completing our family.
It could be my furry purring meowing child.

And before i Hit publish I would like to add If your not comfortable with commenting below in the comment section i invite you to Feel free to send me an Email if there is anything you want to ask or tell me......
at Tiffany1762@gmail.com .
Also feel free to share the link to my Blog anywhere and with anyone if you think you know someone who may enjoy reading it. The more readers the merrier.

Please remember i am not writing this to a please anyone so if you dont like what i write dont read it.
Im just being honest. Im not writing this for pitty so no need to feel bad for me i survived thus long and will keep surviving some how some way. Where there is a will there is a way.

JUST REMEMBER..............

I'm not shy and I'm working on opening up, sharing my story, and not caring what others think of me for my honesty and past. Everyone has a story, Some just choose not to talk about it. And im learning its ok to talk about these things. If it hinders me from walking down a road one day or prevents me from getting a job then i wasnt ment to be there or do that. One day the full book will be written. I'm just formulating how I'm going to write it and where to begin. I wish there was someone to type it as i tell it. Cause a i cant type in circles if I'm writing a book like i do with my blog.

Well I actually remember most of my 20's way too well.

Well I'm not going to apologize for writing a novel this time cause i enjoyed writing it. If you have made it this far. Thank you for taking the time to read my wordy update. And if you just looked at the pictures and scanned down the page Well Thank you too i guess.
Till next time.
nt

Im going to CRY

Well it turns out my Blog update was hacked this morning and someone deleted my newest post and replaced it with a bunch of BS links. I have since deleted the links but The post i spent 4 hours pouring my heart and soul into is now gone. If i feel up to it i will try to repost something later tonight but no promises. IM Seriously going to cry does anyone know how to get it back or did anyone some how by some miracle save my post to their computer to read later and can maybe send it to me so i can repost. Im sorry Im going to cry now. so much for being so happy n positive today .

A Long over due update

Well hello again. sorry for the delay in update but i haven't felt like writing considering so much has been going on and Ive been trying to focus on ME!!!!

But as i left off in my last blog Danielle had gone into labor and i swore Raven would be arriving in any hour.

Well to say the least it was more like i think 72 hours. Danielle is one tough cookie. and she is very lucky to have such a sweet, supportive, strong, and caring husband.

I cant imagine 72 hours of Labor. Wait i cant imagine 1 hour of labor.

But RAVEN JAMES has arrived . She was 9lbs and 7ozs and 21 inches at birth and is beyond beautiful and one of the most well behaved newborns i have ever met. She is perfect in every way.

With Danielle and Shawn's permission of course I decided to post a few pictures of Raven.

And Danielle and Shawn with their new born beautiful baby girl.

I wish i could take credit for taking some of these photos but I CANT.

They are all borrowed off Danielle and Shawn's Facebook Page. 

And i believe one or two were sent to me by Shawn. 

Below pictures were taken hours after ravens birth. She is so precious.  

I figure I should also update you all on how I'm coping with the rest of life too.

Ive had my ups and Downs since my last update.

Raven being born was a Big up.

But then i had to go back to work in the mail room. Which was sort of starting to depress me big time. I also had a lot of unanswered questions on my mind that were taunting me.

Blasts from the past continued coming out of the wood work which i was sort of on the fence about reconnecting with them.

I just didnt understand why these people felt a need to look me up but my guess is life felt like making my days more difficult to deal with.

And Brian and i were not seeing eye to eye on everything too.

My depression started to hurt.

Portland's Bi Polar weather even started to take a toll on my moods.

If you are asking what do i mean by Bi Polar weather lets just say (the sun would come out for a tease, Then you go to walk out side n it starts pouring, then all of a sudden you hear a noise like someone is dumping rock salt on the roof from a plane but no worries its only hail.)

Then you wake up to snow and by noon its 60 out.

Oh did i mention raccoons like playing in the snow outside my front door.

Their paw prints let me know they visited.

I was considering going to a tanning salon just to get some sunshine to try to make me feel better.

But then i got scared of the fake sun. I decided i need real sun and began missing California.

I know sunshine will help my mood.

I invested in some huge sun glasses to hide behind. Even though its cloudy here most of the time. But i was Figuring if my sunglasses were big enough maybe i would be invisible. Turns out i was wrong.

I figured i needed to try to talk to Brian about whats been going on in my mind and how i feel. So we hopped in the car and i drove really far away in a direction we had yet to explore.

PS if i post on Facebook that I'm going MIA. It probably only means for the day no need to worry about me.

Ive made it cross country a few times solo and slept in my car most of the way to save $$$.

Trust me Road trips even if only for a few hours are usually the best therapy for me.

 I started Heading NW to a few towns i cant pronounce nor remember how to spell and over the mountains on a beautiful piece of wooded road with alot of motorcycles out for a ride. ( Oh did i mention life decided to make a motor cycle kick up rocks at my windshield and yup a NICE BIG CHIP. In my brand new windshield)  way to set the tone for the day. Just then  i looped back east and back through Portland and over to the gorge to take Brian over the Bridge of the Gods that takes us to Washington and is the one part of the PCT i know i can drive on here.

After a bit of sight seeing I sort of asked when a good time to discuss some things would be. He said UM, Now? I basically opened up and poured everything built up inside me out.

To say the least i gave him a few things he could start doing to make my life easier and not make me feel like i have to be super woman and save the world, as well as try to be there for everyone while I'm hurting inside and keep leaving myself for last.

He said he would try.

After arriving back at home i spent the rest of the night with my new best friend pictured below.

Yup Rubber duckie your the one.

After coming clean with Brian and the world that Ive been battling with depression alot of people contacted me saying they never knew. They had no clue, and then the questions of WHY?

Why? I wish i knew. I have some ideas but am not comfortable with going that deep into things right now here.

Just remember ............................

The next day after an interesting night to say the least Tiffany showed up at my door to go look at a few cars for herself off craigs list. In between looking at Cars that were not what they were posted as we stopped by a place to get my Chip in my windshield fixed before i have to buy another new windshield.  Turns out Insurance covers rock chip repairs.

This was interesting cause we were allowed to remain in the car while they did it.

Picture below is the guy working on my window.

The guys even brought us the strongest coffee ever while we watched the repair in the car.

Then we went off to wander the world. We discovered Easter was coming soon by seeing random eggs on the floor in a store. PS i was totally willing to follow that cotton tail to Easter (pictured above).

It was a fun day with Tiffany. We really are T&T Dynamite adventures. I will admit i cracked a few smiles that day. But when the day was done i was left with my own thoughts again.

I decided maybe making more paper cameras would make me feel better.

But when the camera was done i just wished i had another to keep my mind and hands busy.

So then i resorted to some sleepy time tea. (which may i say is so good)

While drinking my tea i realized maybe if i change the way i eat and live maybe i will feel better.

So sleepy time tea is now part of my life every night to help me wind down from the insanity of my day.

I decided to go spoil myself at the Lush store and Go organic in what i use on my body and face.

A bath bomb to relax away stress, Ocean salt face scrub that is also eatable.

The most amazing massage/Lotion bar called Wiccy. and an array of samples of shaving cream, hair product, a lotion to help my hands heal from the paper cuts and other hazards of working in the mail room, and many many more amazing products. And of course My best bud Rubber Duckie.

( i really need to name my duckie)

Any suggestions?

The next day i told Brian i was joining a GYM. I discovered a 24 hr fitness not far from my house with a Complete Gym, A Pool, Sauna, Steam Room, Jacuzzi, and free classes. All for a reasonable Price.

My selling point to Brian was if i go to the gym maybe i will eventually be able to keep up with him while hiking. Though i have no plans of hiking with him any time soon. (Sorry babe its just the truth, ask again in July when its warm in the mountains.)

I even started eating a little better. Sort of i guess you can say a bit more of an Organic diet. If i cant pronounce or have never heard of whats in it i am not going to eat it. And NO Fast food.

Though with the Maple Pecan Glory cereal I'm still trying to figure out where they are hiding the GLORY.

Ive been trying to do 4-5 days a week at the gym for 1-3 hours a day. Ive been taking 1-3 yoga classes a week, and plan on trying to make it to a zumba class in the near future.

I started setting up a Photography Facebook Page filled with my Pictures i took when i was working as a paid photographer.

I took it upon myself to begging messaging someone Ive never met before who i sort of look up to for some reason about life and such but, I sort of feel like a fool cause Ive been told i can be a bit intense in my words. Even more so to people who have never met me.

But wise words came back in form of a reply for a little while.  

I guess i was looking for an un bias opinion and felt i could best get that from someone i never met before, But knew wasn't a serial killer.

Considering when i speak to my family its always COME BACK TO NJ.....

Um NO, of course i know you all love me n want me closer to you but, I haven't been completely happy in NJ  longer than i can remember.

At the moment i felt like i had no one to turn to and the conversations made me smile and made me feel like someone may be able to give me an honest bit of advice. And to say the least this person's words sort of did motivate me, which lead to me deciding joining the gym was a good option to get me back to feeling like me and rebuilding my confidence, and reminding me to laugh and smile every day. This person also told me alot of inspirational things and alot of other wise words passed down to them by another wise person.

I'm beyond grateful for the few responses i got.

 But The messages have since stopped and its probably for the best. It helped put me on a better path. and i keep thinking messaging that person was maybe my way of trying to get over what people think of me.

 (all while looking for an honest advise from a complete stranger.)

 Maybe one day i could call this person a friend but don't worry I'M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH.

I have bigger things to worry about Like ME.

But let me tell you I'm good at making a fool of myself CAUSE . ..................

Same goes for typing sometimes. I need to learn to reread things before hitting send, especially when venting from the heart. I forget ive lived a pretty crazy life that is far more intense then some may want to hear about.

But I'm coming to the realization that's just me. Im Intense.

Ok so some of you may think Gym get your body back? Umm yeah Ive packed on a few more pounds than i am comfortable with. I was heavier while in NJ which made me very uncomfortable in my own skin and my whole wardrobe. But i lost some of that NJ weight while i was particpating in my friend Jenn's 30 day weight loss program. but even today i still have a few pounds and inches to go till i will be happy.

Brian tells me im perfect but i dont believe him.  

I would like to not have to hide when it comes to bathing suit season. I want to not be afraid of the camera this summer.

I want to be able to fit into alot of my old shirts and pants again too.

So here is a 3 way shot of me flaunting the belly.

NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!!! I'm just pudgy and for some reason i gain weight like my dad. Mainly in the belly. Its crazy i would have a small bit of an hour glass figure if it wasn't for the belly.  Maybe one day. But my legs have gained a little weight as has my butt. EEKKK  and this is the camera and lighting being nice to me.

I want to turn my body into muscle and happiness. I figure theres no better time than now cause as i get older its even harder to take off the weight.

I also decided I'm sort of over this being my every day off life. Sort of boring sitting around and wasting the day.

I also cant stand looking at these All Access Passes.

I feel like i SOLD MY SOUL TO ROCK AND ROLL.

And All I Got Was These Stupid Back Stage Passes.

I really wish i had the money to go back and finnish my degree in Design and photography.

Maybe make a better future for me doing what i set out many years to do.

So instead of dwelling on the past. Its time to start smiling, being goofy, and making myself laugh again.

And enjoying today and working towards a better future.

I'm good at being a goof ball. And considering I was raised by my mom pretty much as an only child, I remembered i used to be damn good at amusing myself.

I figured maybe venturing over to Tiffany's House warming party would do me some good too.

Brian went out with his friend and i headed over to Tiffany's over in the middle of no where with Saige.

Below is Before most of Tiffany's Guests arrived. We had Coffee Time and Story Time with Saige. Don't ask why we gathered on the carpet around Saige on the only chair in that room while Tiffany has a fully furnished living room one room over.

It was nice to see Val who is one of Tiffany's best friends and an to me an old pal who i worked with in So Cal. Turns out she now lives in Washington now and came down for the party too.

Above are some pictures of my favorite points of that night. Not in any specific order.

 #1 (Top picture) story time with Saige was awesome. (Saige is sort of rad if you didn't know)

#2 I felt like i looked good and was happy enough to be out and about.

#3 Meeting The one and only ROCKY was rad. He has an east coast i don't give a fuck attitude.

He's sort of awesome and he had me laughing all night. all i can say is meeting him was sort of EPIC.

#4 And of course Tiffany (Need I say more)

After Pizza, Coffee, and some good laughs we headed over to Tiffany's pool with some bloody beers.

We had a blast

I had a good time. Makes me wish times like that never had to end. But then i guess being stuck in a loop may not be as cool as I'm imagining.

OK Completely off Subject what is up with this Skrillex Music and 50 + yr old men blasting it at my job and out of their cars in traffic. I think dubstep i think tweens rocking out to it.

I saw this below picture and had to borrow it.

Listening to Skrillex makes me think Aliens are about to take over my Brain. But its so catchy.

And i will give it to Skrillex his videos for this insaine music are pretty cool.

But I'm thinking due to all the 50+ yr old people blasting Skrillex out of their car windows in traffic maybe it really is the aliens trying to communicate with us i mean i have seen this driving around Portland lately.

Or maybe these young people are just Keeping Portland Weird.

Work has been getting to me bad and i keep hoping a miracle happens and either they pay me more and give me more hours over there in the mail room to make it more worth my while to be there or theres always the option of DRINKING THE KOOL AID. LOL.

Bottle pictured below was found on one of the machines.

Work started getting to me so bad due to the fact that it slowly day by day seemed more and more like the company was about to go under. No one laughed or smiled and The owner turned off the boiler to save money. SO NO HEAT for the workers while its snowing outside, And even colder in the warehouse. The hours kept getting cut, And then the boss called us in for a meeting and explained he almost SOLD the company but saved our jobs for now. And Moving day for the company was coming soon. Boo......

I kept wishing i fit in this mail tray to hitch a free trip to LA. But I'm too big and i think i could only get my foot n part of my leg in there.

I started breaking out bad from the dirty environment i was working in my hands were rough like sand paper and looking like a girl wasn't even 1/2 an option when you have to wear 3 hoodies, snowboarding socks, 2 pairs of pants and gloves and 3 hoods to stay warm. This was not helping my depression. I began to feel ill. almost as if the flu was getting ready to kick my butt. So i called out. It was like a mixture of a sick day and a mental health day i took Then my boss called and said there was not enough work to have me come in the next day. It was like a miracle or maybe life just wanted to start being my friend again and maybe something better was in the works. I pretty much ended up having the whole week off. and began planning what i was going to get into for the weekend. I had recently told Brian he needed to make a friend who loved hiking as much as him. AND WHAM... ask and you shall receive. Turns out our neighbor a few doors down LOVES hiking. So Brian and our neighbor planned a trip to go to the mountains for Easter weekend and the neighbors wife who you'll never believe this (Is also named Tiffany) was going to drive them so i didn't have to.

So i Planned an EPIC night with my other friend Tiffany. (There are too many Tiffany's in Portland)

But back to an EPIC Night with Tiffany. We decided to have a veggie dinner.

Some Cheese n Jalapeno crackers and DYE Easter Eggs.

I boiled the eggs got the dye ready and to my surprise turns out I of all people don't own crayons.

So Sharpie and Expensive Prismacolor Markers it was to draw on the eggs.

Upon looking for crayons I found a Bunny Ear headband and some fake mustaches.

So of course we had to wear them while dyeing zombie and crazy character eggs.

Below are some of the eggs we created. Tiffany's eggs were the best. I love her I WIN Egg.

Just before Midnight when it turned Official Easter we decided to head down to Devils Point this awesome bar with performers down the road from my apartment to see IVIZIA and have a drink.

IVIZIA has a Jesus puppet and preforms with Jesus to the song Jesus Christ Super Star. It is the funniest, most amazing thing ever. (YES I KNOW IM GOING TO HELL)

But Since My step father used to play Jesus Christ Super Star ever Easter and it became a tradition I had to hear it this year too.

I tried finding a Chocolate Jesus to bring to IVIZIA figuring it would be the best gift to add to her Jesus collection Ive heard so much about. But Portland only has Praying Jesus Hands that said hear my Prayers.

Of Course why would they sell religious chocolate for a religious holiday. Its all about the Easter bunny Right?????

Upon arriving to Devils Point We were still in fake mustaches and i was still in bunny ears. IVIZIA came up to say hi and i asked her (considering Easter is when Jesus came back from the dead) If Jesus was going to rise and take the stage since it was Easter and all. She said give her a few Min's to get Jesus ready.

Tiffany and i Came up with something cleaver yet a little dirty to write on the back of the chocolate.

And yes i believe god will forgive me.

Below are pictures of the chocolate we gave to Jesus and the little note.

And Considering words don't quite explain IVIZIA's Jesus performance I asked her permission to Use a picture or two. Her I LOVE JESUS Shirt and FUCK YOU SATAN UNDIES not pictured here are pretty epic too. Thank you IVIZIA for letting me me borrow the following pictures. 

(GRANDPA SKIP OVER THIS PART)  

For her second 1/2 of the performance she did a fire performance.

She is my favorite performer ever.

Yes that is her pictured below dancing with fire.

If you ever find yourself in Portland on a Saturday night you have to stop by Devils Point and check out her performance. I Promise you wont regret it.

ONLY IN ............................

After a drink or two Tiffany and i returned back to my place to enjoy Easter cake. YUMMMM

Next morning i was woken by my brand new next door neighbors blasting dub step through the wall at the ass crack of dawn.  Damn Alien music. Then a phone call and invite to join my other neighbor Tiffany on the drive out to pick up the boys in the woods. After picking the boys up at the falls we headed over to a winery, retreat place Called McMenamins Edgefield for breakfast. It was a pretty place. Breakfast was a little pricey but it was cool to learn of a new place. Mom and Stan would love this place. It has a Grateful Dead theme to sections of it. And you can watch people blow glass and of what i hear they have concerts there in the summer too.  

We ate then headed home so Brian could make it to work on time.

After he left for work i decided to clean the house dressed up like an Easter Bunny Bandit.

With my music on and the windows open.

No I did not care what anyone thought of me at that moment.

Just like i didn't care what my neighbors in California thought when i was outside my apartment in a full hazmat suit and a Iraqi gas mask on while exterminating Black Widows.

And i used to go to LAX to pick friends up dressed in a giant yellow chicken outfit.

At those moments all of my insecurities of what other people thought of me went out and the window.

And the below statement stood true.

Too bad i cant feel like that in every day life. Maybe one day again i will be able to live with that mind set to stand true everyday.

Upon returning to work the Monday after Easter i found out it was a few days till we were going to the new building. I took my 1st break and checked my email and to my surprise a job i applied to go back to me.

I had applied for a job on craigslist that i was not qualified for it was **EXPERIENCED Car Wrap Installer.

Well my theory was how hard can it be. But according to the guy who responded to me he said due to my back ground he wanted to hire me for sales and marketing. He wanted me to start the following day. It was OK pay not the best but then again i had no experience in this type of sales so i guess ill take what i can get and give something new a try and maybe it will brighten my life up a little with the change of scenery and job. So I notified my manager that it was my last day and she said ok good luck in your next endeavor.

Next morning I woke and got ready and made myself look a bit more like a girl then usual and off i went.

Upon getting to work I was shown where the MAC Computer was and My big Desk. Then i was given a few books to read and told if i have a meeting or need to go out for the job that i can use the wrapped VW Bug.

Purple cow is about standing out in a crowd and being unique and original and unforgettable.

If my boss only knew how much of a purple cow i could be without reading the book he may be shocked. 

They broke the mold after i was made. 

The new job is OK. I still am not sure what i was thinking when i said i would do sales and i also don't know what made me think i would be good at it but here we go. I'm going to give it my all. 

Yes I'm the kid who should have been taught NOT to talk to strangers. Yes i put my all into everything i believe in. But once again my artistic side is on hold and with sales i guess you sell your soul for a penny hoping to get a sale in return and get some commission. I'm sure ill figure it out soon. I just hate this cold call scripted stuff Send me into the world and let me meet people. Let me be me. Trust me they don't want to hear my speech you scripted. Once again Wish me luck in this endeavor. The only thing this job has that's cool is the sky is the limit on what they could turn your car into and they do look pretty cool when they are done. 

I survived my 1st week and haven't gotten a sale yet but learned a thing or two. 

If you want to check out the website of where i work

 CLICK HERE TO BE REDIRECTED TO CORTEZ VIZ WEBSITE  

With me working this new job brian had to step up and start actually riding his bike to work considering we only now see each other a day and a 1/2 a week. and once in a blue moon in passing when im wking and he is going to bed. Though i hear that may change next month with the new schedule they are putting him on.

I hear with this new schedule maybe we will be able to atleast sleep next to each other during the week.

Brian came home with some really  great news on friday. Turns out he completed his 2nd 90 day review and scored pretty well on it and was given another very generous raise. And he was notified that our health Insurance will become effective as of the first of May. Im very thankful that he has been trying so hard at his job and doing a great job of exceeding everyone including his own expectations.  

After a long week at work  and all kinds of exciting news,We finally reach Saturday.

Brian Signed up to donate this Saturday to a good cause.

He signed up with his Job to participate in the Portland MS Walk 2012.

He walked 2179 miles from georgia to Maine on the AT which only took 5 months and 10 days so he figured why not put on the walking shoes for 3.5 miles and an hour or two for a good cause.

He has been working really hard with fundraising for the Portland MS Walk 2012.

Brian was the top fundraiser in his group and he couldn't have done it with out all of you who were so kind to donate.

A Huge thank you to each and every one of you it means alot to us.

We arrived at the walk early to make sure he was registered and got his Dave's Killer Bread Shirt and met with the rest of his coworkers who were walking on the DKB team.

Here he is in the back with one of the owners and rest of his coworkers from various departments and shifts as well as some of their family members.

No Dave wasnt there he was in Idaho on business.

I decided to walk with Brian and his coworkers. I walked for my friend Kim who i grew up with who now has MS. Brian was walking for his friend from Roselle with MS.

It was a beautiful day for the walk and the sun graced us for most of the day.

The route the walk took us was along the waterfront and across 2 of the bridges. It was really cool to get to walk these routes we didn't know about.

The turn out for the walk was amazing. As we walked on the other side of the water close to the front of the crowd we were able to see the whole other side of the waterfront filled with a line of people following us. It was a 3.5 mile walk and there were cheer leaders along the way cheering us on for walking.

People walked with their children and their dogs. Some even dressed their pups up like this adorable Bulldog.

After the walk we went to The Saturday Market for the first time ever and got Food with his company and hung out in the sunshine.

With all the clouds here i almost forgot I'm allergic to the sun till i acquire a base tan. This is why i need 365 days of sunshine in my life.

Upon arriving home i was red and had sun bumps that itched. I decided to take a nap. I woke to the weirdest dream ever. I wonder what is going on in my sub concious that brought on that crazy dream.

We ate dinner and got ready to go check out our friends band ALABAMA BLACK SNAKE at PLAN B.

It was the first night they were playing a show with their new drummer.

I took the following picture in the rest room. I liked the sticker covered mirror frame. 

My legs hurt from being in heels all last night. Its been a while since Ive worn them.

BUT its been a few weeks into me going to the gym and i am already seeing slight changes in my body.

I'm still not where i want to be but i guess its baby steps with this stuff. And no i am not sucking my belly in.

But yes the lighting is being nice to me in this picture.  

I figured since it was so nice out but my body was aching, why not open up the windows including the one in the shower, Fill up the tub, Drop in a geofizz bath bomb, and grab my rubber duckie and take a nice soak to soothe the muscles while enjoying the breeze and smell of flowers coming through the windows.

I just have to remember. To try to stay happy, think positive, stay strong

And continue to.........................

For now its bed time

And i wish i could have gotten into a few other things that have been on my mind but with so many interesting and amazing things happening in the past few weeks i had to focus on my mix mosh that i call my new update. 

I'm going to try to update again in a week so my posts will be more like a chapter instead of a whole novel and more in depth on one subject instead of jumping around.

Till next time thank you for taking the time to read this long long post.

Im off to have sleepy time tea and try to hope for good things to strat happening.