Little Acorns ............

Hello Again its been some time. 

Fancy us meeting here on an airplane. 

What does a person do with 6 hours of idle time, a laptop, and a mind full of thoughts? Well this one decides to start updating  her blog.  I have been silent for a while and am updating against what i have been advised to do, But i couldn't let the story end just yet. I couldnt stand to know my last update was filled with such heart break when so much good and bad has gone on with in the past few months. And at the moment my mind is filled with hope.  Im sure some of you are thinking OMG where is she going with this. Where has she been? Whats been going on? 

Well in a nut shell. Started working a few random jobs, Some worked out well others didn't so much. 

At one point i tried juggling multi jobs and that didn't work out too well either. 

I tried waitressing.

I tried modeling very briefly ,

I started helping out at my friends clothing store in Somerville NJ 

Called E>OLVE a few days  a month. 

I picked up a mini photo contract for a BANK which was like a mini 3 day photo scavenger hunt

which i found quite fun and profitable. 

In the end when it was desperately needed  I got a call back to work as a temp in the Mailroom again for proxy season which saved my butt. 

AND I HAD THE HONOR OF BEING BONDED BY THE STATE OF NJ FOR THIS JOB.

(May i add i love my coworkers in the mail room. Lucy , Beverly, and Roger.) 

And am beyond grateful that they thought of me when hiring this year. 

It was long hours, lifting, and sometimes very back breaking work. 

This is what my desk looked like every day. Sometimes worse. 

But i embraced every second of it and was just grateful to be working and with people i liked and who treated me well. 

But as they say all good things sometimes have to come to an end and Proxy season indeed did.

Bringing me back to the drawing board to find employment. 

And bringing everyone i know back to saying 

"YOU NEED TO FIND DIRECTION IN YOUR LIFE" 

"YOU NEED A JOB WITH A 401K"

YOU NEED HEALTH BENEFITS"

"YOU NEED TO SETTLE DOWN AND BE RESPONSIBLE"

Ive always had issues sitting still, Conforming to be someone or something i don't believe in. 

In the words of FRANK TURNER

why should i 

"Have to grow up be an adult yeah be bored and unfulfilled

Oh when no ones yet explained to me exactly what's so great

About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate, 

About meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity

Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up
And if all you ever do with your life
Is just photosynthesize
Then you deserve every hour of these sleepless nights
That you waste wondering when you're gonna die"

I cant live like that.

I need to be able to find a speck of happiness in what i do with my every day life.

I would prefer to find inspiration in at least one moment of my day slaving for 

what society says i need.

And I'm sorry if i let anyone down by passing up random jobs in hopes that the perfect one was soon to come.  

They do say good things come to those who wait and i for sure felt something good coming on .

ITS MY TIME. 

 SORRY IM 31 And DONT QUITE KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP.

But how old are you?

And do you quite know yet either?

I didn't think so.  

But enough about employment. there has to be more interesting things going on in my life correct. 

To be 100% honest life has not been all sunshine and rainbows. 

But I'm going to tip toe around some subjects at the moment. 

 I'm learning some people prefer their lives to be a lil more private than me. 

That can be looked at in a few different lights.

Right now we will stick to this theory. 

 Im going to try to focus on how bright the future is and some things that helped bring me to these realizations typed out in the form of good old ramblings. Would u expect any less from me? . I keep being told i look back on the past way too much i forget to live in the now. So lets start living for today. Lets start looking forward to tomorrow. Its crazy to think everything i had to experience and go thru to reach this point of thinking.

OH!!! And i feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record. 

SO IT IS FOR SURE TIME TO CHANGE SOMETHING.  

And to think I found some guidance to find what i believe the answers may be  from a squirrel. 

Here is where i get the title to this blog, The song below 

Little Acorn 

by the White Stripes

Click the pic below

Life has been so chaotic Full of ups and downs. 

Amazing times and straight up hurtful and scary times. 

But as the intro to the song says One day i sat down and broke all my problems into tiny little pieces 

and slowly began to figure them out. 

Life is far from perfect at the moment but the point is Im trying to build a better tomorrow. 

Im trying to battle this depression i fell into and figure out what is best for ME. 

I also keep hearing that i need to stop putting other people before myself. 

They all say I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME......

And how i am going to achieve true happiness and better myself. 

Wow all this use of the word ME ,

Im starting to feel a lil selfish. 

Is this what making yourself #1 priority feels like?

WEIRD.......

I recently took a little trip back to Portland to Oregon.

LOOK at my life completing another circle .

I live in a constant loop that needs to be broken. 

Growing up my mom always told me if she was ever going to run away to find clarity or just plain old go missing in action, she would go to a state that begins with a Vowel. 

Well Oregon You win that round cause O is for sure a vowel. 

And mom See i paid attention when you spoke when i was younger just maybe not to what u thought i should have  been listening to and absorbing. 

But this time who would have known that your words would change my life a lil. 

It was nice to see the beautiful flowers blooming everywhere, so colorful and bright like my future. 

It was nice to see Danielle, Shawn, Baby Raven. She has grown up so much since i had last seen her a year ago. 

She is now walking and talking and is so precious. 

I spent most of my days wandering alone just getting lost and lost in my own mind. 

Some may say what i did is Typical of Me . Oh thats such a Tiffany move just up and run away from all her problems. This time i was just looking for a moment of clarity from the situations i had ended up in.  I needed a time out and a change of scenery for a few days. This time i felt i had no choice but to disappear into the night to take a time out from everything and every one. I had reached my breaking point. And remember that imaginary NO FLY LIST my mom put me on well i couldn't abide by that anymore. IM 31 and i think regardless of what society and what people say the "NORMAL" ways to handle things are. I felt like i need to refind myself. 

I honestly started believing i was losing my mind for a minute 

TRULY GOING INSANE

Some of the problems and worries i was dealing with were bringing me to daily panic attacks that were not fun to deal with. 

Yup felt just like the check list above. 

My relationship with my lover seemed like it was crumbling, as did my relationships with my friends and family. 

I didn't know what to do. 

Some days it seemed like my lover and i had two different ideas of what it took to make a relationship work. 

I thought it was as simple as this

But it turns out Relationships are so much more difficult sometimes. 

But it wasn't just my Lover. I began to lose faith in ALL People. 

I started to become a shell of myself just empty inside. 

It seems like being disappointed by the human race has been a big trend lately. 

Maybe i am a bad judge of people, maybe i just have too much hope and faith in people and situations. 

Or maybe i have been hurt too many times by this big scary world i live in. 

Im just a giant marshmallow and people love to smoosh me. 

N im sick of it. 

DAMN YOU SOCIETY!!!!

Lets just say 

This past year has been one hell of a learning experience. 

I need to remember 

You may be saying but your being so vague.

I will  quickly elaborate. 

I learning that perfect  timing for everything is very important. 

Im not sure if you are a new reader to my blog or have been following for a while.

lets quickly recap for a moment to catch u up.  

About a year ago i got divorced. 

I basically gave my husband the apartment and walked away with no $$ a work from home job, a wanderlust like no other,

BUT

 with high hopes of a bright future. 

A dream of finding someone i was more compatible with and one day having a family of my own.

I was very broken and fragile and scared to be looked at or touched or even thought of by another man. 

About a month or 2 after  i reconnected with the man who at the moment i would have considered the man of my dreams. the one i always wanted, the one who i could never have. 

The only man to leave me speechless and nervous. 

Only to find out he was recently divorced and now breaking up with his girlfriend  too and i had a chance  to be his and he told me he felt the same about me. 

And that was that i allowed him into my heart. 

after 3.5 years of marriage on my side and him basically leaving a relationship for a chance with me and still fairly fresh out of a marriage too.

I now see Maybe we didn't have the best timing.

I now see that maybe i should have taken a little more time to work on me and getting my life back on track and maybe learning to love myself again and getting my life fully back on track before dragging him into my struggle to try to get my head above water. And vise versa. 

My finances were far from in order, My mind still a tangled mess of hopes, fears, and dreams. 

At that moment when i went back to NJ i was just hoping that employment with livable pay and maybe health ins would fall into place for me, along with everything else. 

I was far from ready to involve anyone in my life.

But couldn't stand to think that this man would walk out of my life leaving me to think what could have been.   

But we got caught in a moment and none of that mattered. 

WE FELL IN LOVE. 

The way he made me feel was a feeling i had never felt before, 

Better than any drug i have heard of or read about.

To be loved by him, wanted by him, and to be held by him was like a dream come true. 

And i fell head over heels HARD AND FAST.

When life started to get real again and the brief honeymoon period was over is when we started to deal with struggles, trials, and tribulations. 

I know no relationship is perfect but we started to struggle with some of the most basic things. 

TRUST BEING ONE. 

The fact that my high hopes of amazing employment hadn't been going as planned.

I seemed irresponsible .

amongst other things.

Neither of us are angels. 

Neither of us are perfect. 

And i will never try to convince you otherwise. 

Nor will i get into too much detail. 

Though sometimes i wish it did. 

Relationships are so much harder than they used to be...

- Conversations became texting,

- Arguments became phone calls,

- Feelings became subliminal messages,

- The word "Love" is used out of context,

- Insecurities became a way of thinking,

- Getting jealous became a habit,

- Trust is hard to come by,

- Being hurt became natural,

- Leaving became the only option.

This is sad but very true...

My grandparents just celebrated their 60th Wedding anniversary 

If only old time romance Like theirs still existed 

They are a great example of sticking together through thick and thin. 

And letting nothing tear them apart. 

They have shown each other true love and respect for over 60 years.

That is unheard of these days.

They have not always seen eye to eye on everything but have respectfully worked through everything together. 

As a team. 

And have been by each others side through sickness and health.

A big part of a successful relationship 

isn't just the good times , the happy times.

It also has to do with 

 learning to have disagreements and being able to fight with each other 

and still show each other respect.

If you can do that then your relationship should be able to survive anything. 

The other  night while sitting eating dinner alone in down town portland i over heard a crazy man on the street talking to random strangers walking down the street trying to get them to just stop and stand still for 10 seconds to change their future. 

Upon googling this theory and this rambling drunk mans words of  simple relativity . It began to make sense. 

Simple Relativity:

Einstien was trying to prove that time goes by faster when in motion. when you stop and stand still you slow down time. 

Turns out this is believed to be the simplest way of time travel. 

 Stop for 10 seconds and think before you speak or you make any sort of action 

and the way you respond may be completely different than if you just let words fly out of your mouth. 

Stop for 10 seconds take a deep breathe and think.... Why did this theroy never cross my mind before. 

I have just been letting my emotions control my immediate reactions. 

He was also saying if you stop to look at a news paper stand for 10 seconds or just stop n look up or around once in a blue moon you may be able to change your whole future cause now u are 10 seconds behind what would have happened before. 

Sort of randomly makes sense at the moment. 

I am learning communication is the key for happiness. 

Communication is important in ALL relationships with partners, children and other family members and friends. It allows us to share interests, aspirations and concerns, to support each other, to organize our lives and make decisions, and to work together in any situation. 

Good communication is about the way we talk and listen, and about our body language.

Talk to each other. No matter how well you know and love each other, you cannot read your partner’s mind. We need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger or confusion.

Listening is a very important part of effective communication.

Right now reading this you may be thinking "um ok where are you going with all this?"

Basically just more life lessons I'm learning along my journey in this mean mean world. 

One big lesson i learned over the past few months has been 

And that goes for me learning to LOVE and RESPECT myself a lil more  too.

I need to stop trying to help everyone else more than myself. 

I dont need others approval. 

I often speak about how i don't like being muzzled, 

I dont like hiding anything. 

My life is a very open book.

If you cant deal with that and need things hidden then maybe 

you should change your actions so they are not ones you are ashamed of.

And if you cant deal with that then maybe we shouldn't be friends. 

I am not perfect nor an angel 

But will honestly tell u about just about anything u could ask. 

The past year i feel as if i have grown very distant from my family .

My mother and father and their partners mostly. 

I felt like i had to lead this other life to have them accept me. 

To be accepted by everyone they knew to make them proud of me. 

But i noticed it had lead to me shunning them both away. 

The other night i sat my mom down and had a little chat with her. 

I basically told her that I'm sick of living my life looking for her approval. 

The happiest i had been in life in general was when i first moved to california 

3000 miles from home when i was 21. 

When i had no one judging my every move and asking where i was n who i was with every day. 

The time when i was supporting myself 

didn't need help from anyone

Was responsible in my own way.

And traveling the states with a camera in my hand

I loved myself i respected myself 

I lived for the day

I was a free spirit loving life. 

And was LIVING FOR ME!!!!

And those in my life at the time didn't judge me .

They Loved me for who i was and wanted to be in my life cause they enjoyed traveling the journey 

through that chapter in my life with me.

Heck I still call most of them friends till this day 

and keep in touch with them.

I want that happiness back. 

But what fun would life be if everything you wanted came to you easily.

And my goal is to achieve that.

To find that creative, fun, amazing lil lady i keep hearing everyone misses. 

If you have ever met me you may say i am a unique lil butterfly.

I think they broke the mold after making me. 

I am far from ORDINARY

I am far from traditional

Its time for me to work towards

 an EXTRAORDINARY DESTINY.

I told my mother  (and this applies to everyone in my life)  

that if they wanted to be judgmental on the things i do and the way i live my life 

Then they had two choices 

Either Get over it and love me and accept me for who i am 

regardless

of the mistakes i make along the way

regardless of my decisions 

regardless of which direction i decide to go at that fork in the road.

cause this is my journey 

NO ONE ELSES.

I will never preach my beliefs to you and try to force feed you into doing as i do. 

SO PLEASE DONT DO THAT TO ME. 

And as i said before if you cant accept and love me for my 

 PAST

PRESENT 

and WHERE EVER MY FUTURE MAY LEAD

Then you cant truly say you ever accepted me or loved me

And 

you're going to miss out on a lot of amazing moments 

to come. 

My moms response was that she will respect the way i choose to live my life,

The decisions i make and would be more inclined in trying to understand some of my rime and reason for why i think they are the best options. 

She told me that she will support me with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. 

She said she just wants what is best for her lil girl.

I have to remember 

This story is just getting started.

AND THIS IS MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, AND NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE ME A SCRIPT TO LIVE IT TO THEIR LIKING!!!!!

It has taken me a few days to finalize this update

It has been really hard to find the appropriate words to tell this chapter of the story. 

But lets end this on a semi positive note. 

My hair is back to pink at the moment.

Cause i missed it. 

I feel a bit more like me. 

I started working out again 

and am down to 125 Lbs 

I added a few more tattoos to my body 

Do You know what a F/Stop is? 

Or do you know what an APERTURE is? 

If so then you will understand the f/16 and f/1.4

I randomly found 4 four leaf clovers in my moms back yard.

The first i have found since i left PDX about a year ago. 

I start a new job on Monday 

Which i am a lil scared about and excited about at the same time. 

I have had amazing Creative ideas flowing through my mind

Ive been considering finally putting together a few books. 

One photo coffee book.

One children's book that i actually met with an amazing artist who is My Step dads neice.

And started taking verbal memos 

(MEET MY NEW FRIEND THE TAPE RECORDER.)

(Who i tell everything to)

for the book that i keep mentioning that needs to be written 

I've chosen the perfect name for it too....

and heck maybe one day a fourth will be put together with an amazing female photographer friend of mine. 

Now to put everything in motion. 

And to focus on the next chapter of

 Amazing Things to come. 

DONT GIVE UP ON ME YET!!!!!!

TILL NEXT TIME......

THANK YOU FOR READING AND FOLLOWING. 

I CANT WAIT TILL WE MEET AGAIN.