BREAK THE SILENCE......

No one can truly Understand Why I  feel the way i do on some days.

My moods and emotions are like a crazy roller coaster. 

But I'm starting to understand them.

And I'm starting to understand me.

I apologize for not updating sooner but a lot has been going on 

Both in my head and my life.

Usually i would update you about Fun adventures, 

The people in my life, 

And so on and so forth. 

BUt today is going to be different. 

Im going to let you a little deeper into my life

Im going to allow some skeletons to run free from the closet. 

Im not promising all of what I'm about to write is going to be happy,

It won't be all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. 

DISCLAIMER: Don't get mad at me for my rambles of truth. 

Im not writing what you want to hear I'm writing the truth of events in my life. 

This is my story

Here we go. 

Im not sure if i had mentioned in any of my past Blogs that the thought of being a mother crosses my mind every day. Some days i see kids playing in a store and just wish i had that joy in my everyday life. I feel like i have been shorted like i am missing a lil mini me from my life. 

It slowly gets rougher as the years go on. It broke my heart when my husband told me if i stayed with him i would never have the chance of motherhood.

That was one of the last straws that made me say good bye to my marriage. 

(Yes i know what you are thinking ..... But you wouldn't be able to travel and do 1/2 of the crazy stuff you do if you had a child) And I'm ok with that. 

I have 2 married friends that just moved from New Jersey to California

Who were told they were infertile. 

She keeps a Blog about their trials and tribulations with dealing with this problem. 

If you would like to check out her blog CLICK HERE

They really are a great couple and have been married for years and are the best of friends 

 We have spoken on many occasions on both of our desires to be Parents both from opposite ends of the spectrum.  I pray for them often that they will be blessed with the one thing they feel they are missing from their life. 

Here i stand knowing that i am fertile, yet living with regret every day.

You may say what do you regret?

Well Im sure not many of you know this but why not tell the world.

Back in October 2005 when i was living in California, I started putting on weight and waking to morning sickness while my Boyfriend at the time was on tour in Europe. 

I got a little concerned and went and bought a home pregnancy test and it came up positive. 

I went to the local Planned parenthood and they set me up with dr.'s to help me prepare for a 9 month journey to mother hood. 

I kept this a secret from the world in fear of what my family would say. 

Considering i was 3000 miles away , i was only 24 yrs old and my boyfriend of 4 yrs at the time was always on the road with his band. 

I went to my doctors visits to find out that i was 3 months pregnant and had no clue till now which explained the weird craving for pumpkin everything, the weight gain and the daily sickness. 

I was scared and felt alone but still with held this news from everyone.

My due date was 06-06-2006 

When it came down to going for ultra sounds i was both excited and scared. 

I was going to hear the heart beat inside me. 

But to my surprise when that time came, they couldn't find the heart beat. 

I went back the next day for another ultra sound and got better news and was able to hear a faint heart beat. This day was amazing to me. Then the dr informed me that i would have to come back tomorrow for another one. So i went back the next day and no heart beat again. After a few days of going back and finding no heart beat the doctors gave me a few options, 

1. Try to hold onto the baby for the remainder of incubation time and hope it didn't have birth defects, 

2. Let my body reject it itself in form of miscarriage

3. Let them go in and take the baby since it had been a few days where there had been no heart beat. 

I called my boyfriend and spoke to him and we both decided that it would be best since the baby didn't have a heart beat to allow them to go in and take the baby . 

This decision hurt so much emotionally. 

After all was said and done I sort of went off the deep end. 

I kicked my BF out, I gave up my apartment and decided to couch surf in LA 

I may have even started Drinking a lil too much to kill the pain. 

My boyfriend refused to walk away from me and we ended up being together on and off for another few years. 

Even though our relationship turned into a sick Sid and Nancy story minus ending in murder. 

instead a few years down the road i just call it quits with him and ran away and got married. 

Never 100% dealing with the demons i hid from the world and the heart break of these events. 

When i got married i allowed myself to believe that the life i was living was wrong and allowed myself to be silenced and turned into a 24/7 care taker and what some may have seen as a little Um Happy house wife.  Ive written about most of what came next in blogs of the past. 

Your probably asking yourself. WHOA... TMI.... What brought all of this out?

Well it hasn't bothered me too much past holidays, 

But this year watching all of my friends shop for their little ones, 

And seeing how much excitement the holidays involved with having children. 

It started to eat away at me again. 

I never told anyone of these feelings of pain and despair 

But it got 

to the point i wanted to 

CANCEL CHRISTMAS

I would break into tears for no reason at the thought of a happy holiday 

I started getting lost in my own thoughts when i spent too much time alone, 

I started thinking about little things. 

Then it progressed into self evaluation, Remembering who i was before all of this happened, 

About how i was fun n a free spirit, I was independent, I didn't ask anyone to do things i just did them. 

I used to live with the pride that i was ME and if someone didn't like it then they could go their own way.

I didn't need to be told i was beautiful, I knew i was in my own way.

I was different by far ... But thats what made me TIFFANY. 

I wasn't broken, I wasn't scared back then, 

It was like i was coming out of a coma

And sort of scared of who i had become.

I would sneak off at night to sit by my dads parents graves and talk to them for hours.

Knowing that they wouldn't tell anyone my darkest secrets i revealed to them

I felt i had reached my breaking point. 

And other events in my life had had me overly paranoid that i just wasn't good enough for anyone.

And because i was so broken no one would just want me, for who i really am. 

But they say ................

I hope thats true cause nothing could have prepared me for what was to come next. 

I kept telling myself 

Well 2013 you had one hell of a start to you so far. 

A few days after the beginning of the new year i realized i had gone the whole month of December 

without getting my monthly friend.  You know AUNT FLOW aka SHARK WEEK.

I figured at first that maybe this was just from all the stress i had been putting myself through.

But at the same time, I had acquired the nose of a blood hound and the smell of everything bothered me , I had been throwing up (which i assumed was also from stress) and i started putting on weight n all i wanted to eat was Miso Kale chips for some reason. 

But then i went and bought a pregnancy test 

And to my surprise A SLIGHT BLUE LINE APPEARED.

All i kept thinking was why is it so faint?

So i made an appointment at Planned parent hood for 1st thing in the am 

since they said they needed my 1st morning urine. 

I drove down there with him by my side.

I peed in a cup and waited for an answer, 

Then the nurse informed me that she dumped my cup of urine by mistake and they would have to draw blood and i wouldn't get the results for 4 days. 

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, 

Meanwhile after reading many many websites about home pregnancy tests 

We got hopeful that i was going to be a mom.

We started picking out names, and figuring out who was going to be the god parents 

and slowly started telling our parents, and close friends

The good news. 

2 days later i woke to the scariest thing ever. 

I went to the bathroom and started getting shooting and stabbing pains in my lower stomach. 

Followed by an insane about of Blood. 

Not my monthly visitor type but The something is wrong with me type. 

I rushed down to planned parent hood who sent me directly to the Emergency room. 

Yes i am the only 31 yr old who brings stuffed animals to the ER with me. 

I laid there crying scared cuddled up to my ice bat  waiting for my boyfriend.

He showed up and was very very supportive and helped me pass the time by trying to calm me and keep my mind off the pain and heartbreak of the news that i knew was to come. 

They took me for my ultra sound and i just kept having flash backs of 2005 and waiting for the bad news. 

I watched the screen while she poked around inside me. 

I kept asking what the little bubble was on the screen and she told me i had to wait for the dr to find out anything. 

She turned on the sound and quickly turned it off. 

ONCE AGAIN ALL I HOPED FOR WAS TO HEAR A HEART BEAT. 

This made me nervous and even more scared cause i was in there alone i just wanted to hold his hand 

(But the tech wouldn't let anyone in the room with me.) 

and all the mean while the stabbing pain continued. 

after a few hours in the ER ( Blood tests, Discomfort, Not being allowed to eat, and Poking and prodding to my lower region) the doctor came in and he gave us the bad news that 

The egg had been fertilized but due to scar tissue on the left side of my uterus it couldn't attach and 

I was having an early miscarriage. 

(Scar tissue??? All i kept thinking was how did that happen? Is it from 2005? is it from the surgery i had when i was 17 when they throughout i had cysts?  Does this mean i will never be able to be a mom? WHY ME?) 

He gave his condolences and left the two of us in the room where we embraced each other and broke into tears. 

Upon being discharged from the hospital we called my mom and stan to come pick me and my car up from the ER. We sat in my car waiting chain smoking cigarettes, crying , heart broken. 

I wanted to die that night. It hurt so much. 

Mom decided it was best to bring me home to her house to keep an eye on me and to give me a little time to get my head together, and let my body heal.  

I just wanted to hide, I wanted to be confined to a dark room.

I didn't feel much like talking to anyone, 

(Though he came and spent cuddle time with me just holding me in his arms.) 

Some days i still don't feel much like talking to anyone.

The days just blur together. 

Since all of this I have been trying to get the guts to write this blog. 

I have been trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together. 

Ive been trying to find that me I feel i lost years ago. 

For the moment the thought of being a mother is being put on the back burner due to the fact that i can't go through another heart break trying, AND I think i need to get me back together first. 

I need to assure that I'm in a stable mindset and financial state before i can properly 

raise a young one of my own. 

THEY SAY 

Well I keep hoping all these little quotes are The TRUTH. 

I know everyone is thinking isn't this girl ever going to be happy?

Is she ever going to write a blog where sunshine and rainbows fly off my computer screen?

Why has she given up?

Just know......

Everyone keeps telling me 

And maybe this is TRUE!!!!!

I need to remember a lot of things like........

I need to find direction in my life and put the right foot forward 

And REALIZE 

I NEED TO 

That I .....

AND THAT 

I still get the urge to run away from time to time.

Which sort of ha been my defense mechanism for years. 

I have a lot of days where my mind set is ..

AHHH HOW I MISS PCH... 

But mom pointed out that maybe i need to stay put, 

Maybe i need to finally deal with these demons that I've kept bottled up inside me. 

Maybe i need to stay put get back to my roots and start from square 1. 

SHE KEEPS SAYING 

Some days this is not the easiest task. 

Heck some days Getting out of bed to face the world isn't the easiest task. 

I just keep telling myself a few days out of town will make me feel better. 

But mom put me on an imaginary NO FLY LIST Till i get a job. 

Just hoping for the best outcome for me. 

But at the same time I strongly believe 

Now I have no intention of hurting anyone but just know my choices and decisions may not be what you had hoped for or wished that i would make but what is to come is what i feel is best for me at the moment and for my future and please don't try to tell me I'm doing it wrong cause it isn't the way you imagined it. 

SOme of you have old fashioned beliefs and thats your way.

How i envision it is a little different 

And i have faith that my way is going to work.

Just remember this is my story and the ending still hasn't been written. 

BUT  I GUESS ....

I may not be living the high life at 31.

for christ sake 

i had to count and stack change to pay my cell bill 

and what was left over was gas $$$ 

Think I'm lying heres the proof. 

I don't live dollar to dollar. 

I live penny to penny, Day by day. 

BUT If this is how it has to be for a lil I guess i just have to deal. 

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.... RIGHT? 

Ive been spending most of my spare time that I've had at moms doodling in my 

Sketch a day notebook that a very close friend sent me for Christmas. 

Some days i find inspiration to doodle again and its nice to be inspired again. 

I missed art. 

Even if 1/2 of it is just scribbles. 

Maybe one day ill share whats inside. 

Ive also started falling in love with music again 

with the amazing gift of an iPOD from Mom and Stan. 

I even started high jacking everyones cd books to learn about new music and find new bands that inspire me.  Most of my Best friends and even some of my most memorable relationships 

(Regardless of how dysfunctional they may have been at the time) 

Were held together by music. It was a common interest that we could get lost in for hours. 

Just listening to the words and the instrumentals that would fit the moment or allow you to get lost and forget about your day or that bit of stress that was eating you up.. 

I look at my mom and stan and see how they communicate through music on some nights and at times i envy what they have. Its so beautiful that they can just get lost in a song together and all their worries wash away for that moment. 

I must say Im happy to have music back in my life. 

Ive tried to get back in touch with the part of me you all want to see blossom again. 

YUP THERE SHE IS THAT CAMERA YOU ALL WANT ME TO PICK BACK UP. 

well maybe one day . I have from time to time since i have been back in NJ. 

But it doesn't feel the same. 

I even kidnapped Shannon my 1st ever MUSE to see if i could find that spark between me and my camera again. 

We had a lot of fun in the studio and playing with cameras but it still wasn't the same. 

I even took a stroll down memory lane with my little brother and my camera 

YUP good old asbury prark NJ. 

This place in its golden days of destruction and abandonment inspired me to great lengths. 

But still not the same. 

I found joy in Building more DIY Cameras. 

This time i brought the kit over to dads for us to build together. 

I loved the challenge and the out come but still haven't been inspired to shoot the way i used to . 

Im not sure if I'm scared I'm going to Fail at trying to be a photographer, 

If its just self doubt? 

Or if i don't think i have good enough equipment 

Or not enough $$$$ to start off. 

But once again everyone keeps telling me 

SO my goal now is to FOCUS On finding things that inspire me.

AND REALIZING 

I know a few months ago you were all following me on a journey to shed a few pounds

and everyone seemed so proud of me on how hard i worked to achieve 

These Abs to die for 

I seemed to lose those abs and put on a few of those pounds again. 

Im not very happy about it. 

But I'm slowly trying to find the motivation to work my ass off to obtain them again. 

And from doing it once I'm sure i can do it again.

And it all starts with eating healthy and cutting out the 2 main foods NJ is so famous for loving 

NO NOT PORK ROLL ... 

Since i haven't even had any since I've been back 

But I'm talking about BREAD AND CHEESE. 

My ARCH NEMESES

Its time to get back to Raw Fruits and Veggies

YUM and 

YUM!!!!!!! 

Yes i got a lil creative with my breakfast the other day. 

Its been way too long that i have been living in this dark place.

Its also been way too long that I've been living with these dark secrets 

It sort of feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest getting this out. 

And i know it wouldn't be everyones choice to Publicly Publish such dark secrets

But as everyone should know by now. 

Im ok with my life being 100% Public. 

I have high hopes that maybe one day someone will stumble across my blog 

and maybe it will help them to know they are not alone and other people go through tough times like they may be going through. 

And if what i write can inspire just 1 person or make just one person realize they shouldn't give up 

Then Im ok with that. 

Cause honestly Writing these blogs recently has helped me NOT GIVE UP.

WITH OUT WRITING I FEEL LOST .

And it is like a free therapy for me .

And once and for all i don't care if you judge me for being so vocal on such serious issues that most people lock inside never to be discussed again. 

ITS THE ONLY WAY I WOULD HAVE IT AND I WONT BE SILENCED!

For the time being Im enjoying my time I'm spending with mom. 

we have been through a lot together and she taught me regardless of what life throws at you 

You just have to stay strong and the dark clouds will pass. 

Heck she raised me from when i was 18 months old as Single mother.

And i have seen her struggle and in the end she did the best she could and provided me with a great life. And she found peace and happiness within herself, so who says one day i won't find mine.  

And i also have to give a huge thank you to mom and stan for letting me stay with them for a bit to get my head together even though i may not be the easiest to live with cause i am set in my weird ways.

But let me tell you its been hard on me to be 31 and staying with my parents too. 

I Guess all i needed was a few tragedies , a mental break down or 2, and some good old fashioned 

From MY FAMILY to help me start to figure things out. 

And to see everything for what it is. 

Im not promising that i will pull my life together in a day, a week or 3 weeks. 

But what is important is that i am trying and am on the right path. 

And those who truly love me are behind me cheering me on 

AND AT THE MOMENT I BELIEVE IN MYSELF. 

In the words of frank turner 

I love the courts of this song

So now I'm off to find a way to support myself where i can find a bit of happiness 

And inspiration. 

And get back on my feet. 

DONT LOSE HOPE IN ME YET.

This is just the beginning of yet another chapter in this crazy book of life. 

You also may be asking well how did the holidays turn out. 

Regardless of me wanting to cancel them and battling demons in my own head 

They were really nice. 

I woke up to a great morning in my house hold. 

Filled with wrapping paper flying and lots of smiles and happiness. 

Later in the day i got to spend time with his wonderful family and then traveled down to my Family

It was nice to get to see my whole moms side of the family.

It had been way to long since we had all been together. 

I love them all and missed them. 

This was the first year in forever we all came home for the holidays. which was amazing. 

Great food, fun conversations. 

Christmas really was a happy day.

I got to spend a lil time with Dad and Fran in the days to follow the holiday. 

It really was great to be home for the holidays. 

Im going to end my blog today with a song a really close friend sent me the other day with a few words they attached to it.  This friend and i Had lost touch with each other for many years .

But were reunited by chance and fate. 

ALTER BRIDGE 

ONE DAY REMAINS

The text that went with the song when it was sent is as follows 

"I worry about you.

Im scared you lost faith in yourself.

Cause you used to know what you wanted. 

And u did what ever u could to taste it! 

I never did.

I think maybe when i wasn't there to tell u that when u needed / wanted to hear it.

And the life style u were living didn't help.

U lost yourself. 

You don't choose when you catch a break!

It comes to you when you need it to.......

As far as music goes 

Some people feel/ communicate thru music.

That the beauty of it. 

And i hope this make you feel a little better and helps you through this tough time. 

As I've said before, Each event we live through and survive

makes us who we are.

When i said I never did. 

I ment i never lost faith in you. "

Till next time thank you for reading. 

Sincerely 

Tiffany Harned.