Little Acorns ............

Hello Again its been some time. 

Fancy us meeting here on an airplane. 

What does a person do with 6 hours of idle time, a laptop, and a mind full of thoughts? Well this one decides to start updating  her blog.  I have been silent for a while and am updating against what i have been advised to do, But i couldn't let the story end just yet. I couldnt stand to know my last update was filled with such heart break when so much good and bad has gone on with in the past few months. And at the moment my mind is filled with hope.  Im sure some of you are thinking OMG where is she going with this. Where has she been? Whats been going on? 

Well in a nut shell. Started working a few random jobs, Some worked out well others didn't so much. 

At one point i tried juggling multi jobs and that didn't work out too well either. 

I tried waitressing.

I tried modeling very briefly ,

I started helping out at my friends clothing store in Somerville NJ 

Called E>OLVE a few days  a month. 

I picked up a mini photo contract for a BANK which was like a mini 3 day photo scavenger hunt

which i found quite fun and profitable. 

In the end when it was desperately needed  I got a call back to work as a temp in the Mailroom again for proxy season which saved my butt. 

AND I HAD THE HONOR OF BEING BONDED BY THE STATE OF NJ FOR THIS JOB.

(May i add i love my coworkers in the mail room. Lucy , Beverly, and Roger.) 

And am beyond grateful that they thought of me when hiring this year. 

It was long hours, lifting, and sometimes very back breaking work. 

This is what my desk looked like every day. Sometimes worse. 

But i embraced every second of it and was just grateful to be working and with people i liked and who treated me well. 

But as they say all good things sometimes have to come to an end and Proxy season indeed did.

Bringing me back to the drawing board to find employment. 

And bringing everyone i know back to saying 

"YOU NEED TO FIND DIRECTION IN YOUR LIFE" 

"YOU NEED A JOB WITH A 401K"

YOU NEED HEALTH BENEFITS"

"YOU NEED TO SETTLE DOWN AND BE RESPONSIBLE"

Ive always had issues sitting still, Conforming to be someone or something i don't believe in. 

In the words of FRANK TURNER

why should i 

"Have to grow up be an adult yeah be bored and unfulfilled

Oh when no ones yet explained to me exactly what's so great

About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate, 

About meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity

Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up
And if all you ever do with your life
Is just photosynthesize
Then you deserve every hour of these sleepless nights
That you waste wondering when you're gonna die"

I cant live like that.

I need to be able to find a speck of happiness in what i do with my every day life.

I would prefer to find inspiration in at least one moment of my day slaving for 

what society says i need.

And I'm sorry if i let anyone down by passing up random jobs in hopes that the perfect one was soon to come.  

They do say good things come to those who wait and i for sure felt something good coming on .

ITS MY TIME. 

 SORRY IM 31 And DONT QUITE KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP.

But how old are you?

And do you quite know yet either?

I didn't think so.  

But enough about employment. there has to be more interesting things going on in my life correct. 

To be 100% honest life has not been all sunshine and rainbows. 

But I'm going to tip toe around some subjects at the moment. 

 I'm learning some people prefer their lives to be a lil more private than me. 

That can be looked at in a few different lights.

Right now we will stick to this theory. 

 Im going to try to focus on how bright the future is and some things that helped bring me to these realizations typed out in the form of good old ramblings. Would u expect any less from me? . I keep being told i look back on the past way too much i forget to live in the now. So lets start living for today. Lets start looking forward to tomorrow. Its crazy to think everything i had to experience and go thru to reach this point of thinking.

OH!!! And i feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record. 

SO IT IS FOR SURE TIME TO CHANGE SOMETHING.  

And to think I found some guidance to find what i believe the answers may be  from a squirrel. 

Here is where i get the title to this blog, The song below 

Little Acorn 

by the White Stripes

Click the pic below

Life has been so chaotic Full of ups and downs. 

Amazing times and straight up hurtful and scary times. 

But as the intro to the song says One day i sat down and broke all my problems into tiny little pieces 

and slowly began to figure them out. 

Life is far from perfect at the moment but the point is Im trying to build a better tomorrow. 

Im trying to battle this depression i fell into and figure out what is best for ME. 

I also keep hearing that i need to stop putting other people before myself. 

They all say I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME......

And how i am going to achieve true happiness and better myself. 

Wow all this use of the word ME ,

Im starting to feel a lil selfish. 

Is this what making yourself #1 priority feels like?

WEIRD.......

I recently took a little trip back to Portland to Oregon.

LOOK at my life completing another circle .

I live in a constant loop that needs to be broken. 

Growing up my mom always told me if she was ever going to run away to find clarity or just plain old go missing in action, she would go to a state that begins with a Vowel. 

Well Oregon You win that round cause O is for sure a vowel. 

And mom See i paid attention when you spoke when i was younger just maybe not to what u thought i should have  been listening to and absorbing. 

But this time who would have known that your words would change my life a lil. 

It was nice to see the beautiful flowers blooming everywhere, so colorful and bright like my future. 

It was nice to see Danielle, Shawn, Baby Raven. She has grown up so much since i had last seen her a year ago. 

She is now walking and talking and is so precious. 

I spent most of my days wandering alone just getting lost and lost in my own mind. 

Some may say what i did is Typical of Me . Oh thats such a Tiffany move just up and run away from all her problems. This time i was just looking for a moment of clarity from the situations i had ended up in.  I needed a time out and a change of scenery for a few days. This time i felt i had no choice but to disappear into the night to take a time out from everything and every one. I had reached my breaking point. And remember that imaginary NO FLY LIST my mom put me on well i couldn't abide by that anymore. IM 31 and i think regardless of what society and what people say the "NORMAL" ways to handle things are. I felt like i need to refind myself. 

I honestly started believing i was losing my mind for a minute 

TRULY GOING INSANE

Some of the problems and worries i was dealing with were bringing me to daily panic attacks that were not fun to deal with. 

Yup felt just like the check list above. 

My relationship with my lover seemed like it was crumbling, as did my relationships with my friends and family. 

I didn't know what to do. 

Some days it seemed like my lover and i had two different ideas of what it took to make a relationship work. 

I thought it was as simple as this

But it turns out Relationships are so much more difficult sometimes. 

But it wasn't just my Lover. I began to lose faith in ALL People. 

I started to become a shell of myself just empty inside. 

It seems like being disappointed by the human race has been a big trend lately. 

Maybe i am a bad judge of people, maybe i just have too much hope and faith in people and situations. 

Or maybe i have been hurt too many times by this big scary world i live in. 

Im just a giant marshmallow and people love to smoosh me. 

N im sick of it. 

DAMN YOU SOCIETY!!!!

Lets just say 

This past year has been one hell of a learning experience. 

I need to remember 

You may be saying but your being so vague.

I will  quickly elaborate. 

I learning that perfect  timing for everything is very important. 

Im not sure if you are a new reader to my blog or have been following for a while.

lets quickly recap for a moment to catch u up.  

About a year ago i got divorced. 

I basically gave my husband the apartment and walked away with no $$ a work from home job, a wanderlust like no other,

BUT

 with high hopes of a bright future. 

A dream of finding someone i was more compatible with and one day having a family of my own.

I was very broken and fragile and scared to be looked at or touched or even thought of by another man. 

About a month or 2 after  i reconnected with the man who at the moment i would have considered the man of my dreams. the one i always wanted, the one who i could never have. 

The only man to leave me speechless and nervous. 

Only to find out he was recently divorced and now breaking up with his girlfriend  too and i had a chance  to be his and he told me he felt the same about me. 

And that was that i allowed him into my heart. 

after 3.5 years of marriage on my side and him basically leaving a relationship for a chance with me and still fairly fresh out of a marriage too.

I now see Maybe we didn't have the best timing.

I now see that maybe i should have taken a little more time to work on me and getting my life back on track and maybe learning to love myself again and getting my life fully back on track before dragging him into my struggle to try to get my head above water. And vise versa. 

My finances were far from in order, My mind still a tangled mess of hopes, fears, and dreams. 

At that moment when i went back to NJ i was just hoping that employment with livable pay and maybe health ins would fall into place for me, along with everything else. 

I was far from ready to involve anyone in my life.

But couldn't stand to think that this man would walk out of my life leaving me to think what could have been.   

But we got caught in a moment and none of that mattered. 

WE FELL IN LOVE. 

The way he made me feel was a feeling i had never felt before, 

Better than any drug i have heard of or read about.

To be loved by him, wanted by him, and to be held by him was like a dream come true. 

And i fell head over heels HARD AND FAST.

When life started to get real again and the brief honeymoon period was over is when we started to deal with struggles, trials, and tribulations. 

I know no relationship is perfect but we started to struggle with some of the most basic things. 

TRUST BEING ONE. 

The fact that my high hopes of amazing employment hadn't been going as planned.

I seemed irresponsible .

amongst other things.

Neither of us are angels. 

Neither of us are perfect. 

And i will never try to convince you otherwise. 

Nor will i get into too much detail. 

Though sometimes i wish it did. 

Relationships are so much harder than they used to be...

- Conversations became texting,

- Arguments became phone calls,

- Feelings became subliminal messages,

- The word "Love" is used out of context,

- Insecurities became a way of thinking,

- Getting jealous became a habit,

- Trust is hard to come by,

- Being hurt became natural,

- Leaving became the only option.

This is sad but very true...

My grandparents just celebrated their 60th Wedding anniversary 

If only old time romance Like theirs still existed 

They are a great example of sticking together through thick and thin. 

And letting nothing tear them apart. 

They have shown each other true love and respect for over 60 years.

That is unheard of these days.

They have not always seen eye to eye on everything but have respectfully worked through everything together. 

As a team. 

And have been by each others side through sickness and health.

A big part of a successful relationship 

isn't just the good times , the happy times.

It also has to do with 

 learning to have disagreements and being able to fight with each other 

and still show each other respect.

If you can do that then your relationship should be able to survive anything. 

The other  night while sitting eating dinner alone in down town portland i over heard a crazy man on the street talking to random strangers walking down the street trying to get them to just stop and stand still for 10 seconds to change their future. 

Upon googling this theory and this rambling drunk mans words of  simple relativity . It began to make sense. 

Simple Relativity:

Einstien was trying to prove that time goes by faster when in motion. when you stop and stand still you slow down time. 

Turns out this is believed to be the simplest way of time travel. 

 Stop for 10 seconds and think before you speak or you make any sort of action 

and the way you respond may be completely different than if you just let words fly out of your mouth. 

Stop for 10 seconds take a deep breathe and think.... Why did this theroy never cross my mind before. 

I have just been letting my emotions control my immediate reactions. 

He was also saying if you stop to look at a news paper stand for 10 seconds or just stop n look up or around once in a blue moon you may be able to change your whole future cause now u are 10 seconds behind what would have happened before. 

Sort of randomly makes sense at the moment. 

I am learning communication is the key for happiness. 

Communication is important in ALL relationships with partners, children and other family members and friends. It allows us to share interests, aspirations and concerns, to support each other, to organize our lives and make decisions, and to work together in any situation. 

Good communication is about the way we talk and listen, and about our body language.

Talk to each other. No matter how well you know and love each other, you cannot read your partner’s mind. We need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger or confusion.

Listening is a very important part of effective communication.

Right now reading this you may be thinking "um ok where are you going with all this?"

Basically just more life lessons I'm learning along my journey in this mean mean world. 

One big lesson i learned over the past few months has been 

And that goes for me learning to LOVE and RESPECT myself a lil more  too.

I need to stop trying to help everyone else more than myself. 

I dont need others approval. 

I often speak about how i don't like being muzzled, 

I dont like hiding anything. 

My life is a very open book.

If you cant deal with that and need things hidden then maybe 

you should change your actions so they are not ones you are ashamed of.

And if you cant deal with that then maybe we shouldn't be friends. 

I am not perfect nor an angel 

But will honestly tell u about just about anything u could ask. 

The past year i feel as if i have grown very distant from my family .

My mother and father and their partners mostly. 

I felt like i had to lead this other life to have them accept me. 

To be accepted by everyone they knew to make them proud of me. 

But i noticed it had lead to me shunning them both away. 

The other night i sat my mom down and had a little chat with her. 

I basically told her that I'm sick of living my life looking for her approval. 

The happiest i had been in life in general was when i first moved to california 

3000 miles from home when i was 21. 

When i had no one judging my every move and asking where i was n who i was with every day. 

The time when i was supporting myself 

didn't need help from anyone

Was responsible in my own way.

And traveling the states with a camera in my hand

I loved myself i respected myself 

I lived for the day

I was a free spirit loving life. 

And was LIVING FOR ME!!!!

And those in my life at the time didn't judge me .

They Loved me for who i was and wanted to be in my life cause they enjoyed traveling the journey 

through that chapter in my life with me.

Heck I still call most of them friends till this day 

and keep in touch with them.

I want that happiness back. 

But what fun would life be if everything you wanted came to you easily.

And my goal is to achieve that.

To find that creative, fun, amazing lil lady i keep hearing everyone misses. 

If you have ever met me you may say i am a unique lil butterfly.

I think they broke the mold after making me. 

I am far from ORDINARY

I am far from traditional

Its time for me to work towards

 an EXTRAORDINARY DESTINY.

I told my mother  (and this applies to everyone in my life)  

that if they wanted to be judgmental on the things i do and the way i live my life 

Then they had two choices 

Either Get over it and love me and accept me for who i am 

regardless

of the mistakes i make along the way

regardless of my decisions 

regardless of which direction i decide to go at that fork in the road.

cause this is my journey 

NO ONE ELSES.

I will never preach my beliefs to you and try to force feed you into doing as i do. 

SO PLEASE DONT DO THAT TO ME. 

And as i said before if you cant accept and love me for my 

 PAST

PRESENT 

and WHERE EVER MY FUTURE MAY LEAD

Then you cant truly say you ever accepted me or loved me

And 

you're going to miss out on a lot of amazing moments 

to come. 

My moms response was that she will respect the way i choose to live my life,

The decisions i make and would be more inclined in trying to understand some of my rime and reason for why i think they are the best options. 

She told me that she will support me with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. 

She said she just wants what is best for her lil girl.

I have to remember 

This story is just getting started.

AND THIS IS MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, AND NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE ME A SCRIPT TO LIVE IT TO THEIR LIKING!!!!!

It has taken me a few days to finalize this update

It has been really hard to find the appropriate words to tell this chapter of the story. 

But lets end this on a semi positive note. 

My hair is back to pink at the moment.

Cause i missed it. 

I feel a bit more like me. 

I started working out again 

and am down to 125 Lbs 

I added a few more tattoos to my body 

Do You know what a F/Stop is? 

Or do you know what an APERTURE is? 

If so then you will understand the f/16 and f/1.4

I randomly found 4 four leaf clovers in my moms back yard.

The first i have found since i left PDX about a year ago. 

I start a new job on Monday 

Which i am a lil scared about and excited about at the same time. 

I have had amazing Creative ideas flowing through my mind

Ive been considering finally putting together a few books. 

One photo coffee book.

One children's book that i actually met with an amazing artist who is My Step dads neice.

And started taking verbal memos 

(MEET MY NEW FRIEND THE TAPE RECORDER.)

(Who i tell everything to)

for the book that i keep mentioning that needs to be written 

I've chosen the perfect name for it too....

and heck maybe one day a fourth will be put together with an amazing female photographer friend of mine. 

Now to put everything in motion. 

And to focus on the next chapter of

 Amazing Things to come. 

DONT GIVE UP ON ME YET!!!!!!

TILL NEXT TIME......

THANK YOU FOR READING AND FOLLOWING. 

I CANT WAIT TILL WE MEET AGAIN. 

BREAK THE SILENCE......

No one can truly Understand Why I  feel the way i do on some days.

My moods and emotions are like a crazy roller coaster. 

But I'm starting to understand them.

And I'm starting to understand me.

I apologize for not updating sooner but a lot has been going on 

Both in my head and my life.

Usually i would update you about Fun adventures, 

The people in my life, 

And so on and so forth. 

BUt today is going to be different. 

Im going to let you a little deeper into my life

Im going to allow some skeletons to run free from the closet. 

Im not promising all of what I'm about to write is going to be happy,

It won't be all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. 

DISCLAIMER: Don't get mad at me for my rambles of truth. 

Im not writing what you want to hear I'm writing the truth of events in my life. 

This is my story

Here we go. 

Im not sure if i had mentioned in any of my past Blogs that the thought of being a mother crosses my mind every day. Some days i see kids playing in a store and just wish i had that joy in my everyday life. I feel like i have been shorted like i am missing a lil mini me from my life. 

It slowly gets rougher as the years go on. It broke my heart when my husband told me if i stayed with him i would never have the chance of motherhood.

That was one of the last straws that made me say good bye to my marriage. 

(Yes i know what you are thinking ..... But you wouldn't be able to travel and do 1/2 of the crazy stuff you do if you had a child) And I'm ok with that. 

I have 2 married friends that just moved from New Jersey to California

Who were told they were infertile. 

She keeps a Blog about their trials and tribulations with dealing with this problem. 

If you would like to check out her blog CLICK HERE

They really are a great couple and have been married for years and are the best of friends 

 We have spoken on many occasions on both of our desires to be Parents both from opposite ends of the spectrum.  I pray for them often that they will be blessed with the one thing they feel they are missing from their life. 

Here i stand knowing that i am fertile, yet living with regret every day.

You may say what do you regret?

Well Im sure not many of you know this but why not tell the world.

Back in October 2005 when i was living in California, I started putting on weight and waking to morning sickness while my Boyfriend at the time was on tour in Europe. 

I got a little concerned and went and bought a home pregnancy test and it came up positive. 

I went to the local Planned parenthood and they set me up with dr.'s to help me prepare for a 9 month journey to mother hood. 

I kept this a secret from the world in fear of what my family would say. 

Considering i was 3000 miles away , i was only 24 yrs old and my boyfriend of 4 yrs at the time was always on the road with his band. 

I went to my doctors visits to find out that i was 3 months pregnant and had no clue till now which explained the weird craving for pumpkin everything, the weight gain and the daily sickness. 

I was scared and felt alone but still with held this news from everyone.

My due date was 06-06-2006 

When it came down to going for ultra sounds i was both excited and scared. 

I was going to hear the heart beat inside me. 

But to my surprise when that time came, they couldn't find the heart beat. 

I went back the next day for another ultra sound and got better news and was able to hear a faint heart beat. This day was amazing to me. Then the dr informed me that i would have to come back tomorrow for another one. So i went back the next day and no heart beat again. After a few days of going back and finding no heart beat the doctors gave me a few options, 

1. Try to hold onto the baby for the remainder of incubation time and hope it didn't have birth defects, 

2. Let my body reject it itself in form of miscarriage

3. Let them go in and take the baby since it had been a few days where there had been no heart beat. 

I called my boyfriend and spoke to him and we both decided that it would be best since the baby didn't have a heart beat to allow them to go in and take the baby . 

This decision hurt so much emotionally. 

After all was said and done I sort of went off the deep end. 

I kicked my BF out, I gave up my apartment and decided to couch surf in LA 

I may have even started Drinking a lil too much to kill the pain. 

My boyfriend refused to walk away from me and we ended up being together on and off for another few years. 

Even though our relationship turned into a sick Sid and Nancy story minus ending in murder. 

instead a few years down the road i just call it quits with him and ran away and got married. 

Never 100% dealing with the demons i hid from the world and the heart break of these events. 

When i got married i allowed myself to believe that the life i was living was wrong and allowed myself to be silenced and turned into a 24/7 care taker and what some may have seen as a little Um Happy house wife.  Ive written about most of what came next in blogs of the past. 

Your probably asking yourself. WHOA... TMI.... What brought all of this out?

Well it hasn't bothered me too much past holidays, 

But this year watching all of my friends shop for their little ones, 

And seeing how much excitement the holidays involved with having children. 

It started to eat away at me again. 

I never told anyone of these feelings of pain and despair 

But it got 

to the point i wanted to 

CANCEL CHRISTMAS

I would break into tears for no reason at the thought of a happy holiday 

I started getting lost in my own thoughts when i spent too much time alone, 

I started thinking about little things. 

Then it progressed into self evaluation, Remembering who i was before all of this happened, 

About how i was fun n a free spirit, I was independent, I didn't ask anyone to do things i just did them. 

I used to live with the pride that i was ME and if someone didn't like it then they could go their own way.

I didn't need to be told i was beautiful, I knew i was in my own way.

I was different by far ... But thats what made me TIFFANY. 

I wasn't broken, I wasn't scared back then, 

It was like i was coming out of a coma

And sort of scared of who i had become.

I would sneak off at night to sit by my dads parents graves and talk to them for hours.

Knowing that they wouldn't tell anyone my darkest secrets i revealed to them

I felt i had reached my breaking point. 

And other events in my life had had me overly paranoid that i just wasn't good enough for anyone.

And because i was so broken no one would just want me, for who i really am. 

But they say ................

I hope thats true cause nothing could have prepared me for what was to come next. 

I kept telling myself 

Well 2013 you had one hell of a start to you so far. 

A few days after the beginning of the new year i realized i had gone the whole month of December 

without getting my monthly friend.  You know AUNT FLOW aka SHARK WEEK.

I figured at first that maybe this was just from all the stress i had been putting myself through.

But at the same time, I had acquired the nose of a blood hound and the smell of everything bothered me , I had been throwing up (which i assumed was also from stress) and i started putting on weight n all i wanted to eat was Miso Kale chips for some reason. 

But then i went and bought a pregnancy test 

And to my surprise A SLIGHT BLUE LINE APPEARED.

All i kept thinking was why is it so faint?

So i made an appointment at Planned parent hood for 1st thing in the am 

since they said they needed my 1st morning urine. 

I drove down there with him by my side.

I peed in a cup and waited for an answer, 

Then the nurse informed me that she dumped my cup of urine by mistake and they would have to draw blood and i wouldn't get the results for 4 days. 

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, 

Meanwhile after reading many many websites about home pregnancy tests 

We got hopeful that i was going to be a mom.

We started picking out names, and figuring out who was going to be the god parents 

and slowly started telling our parents, and close friends

The good news. 

2 days later i woke to the scariest thing ever. 

I went to the bathroom and started getting shooting and stabbing pains in my lower stomach. 

Followed by an insane about of Blood. 

Not my monthly visitor type but The something is wrong with me type. 

I rushed down to planned parent hood who sent me directly to the Emergency room. 

Yes i am the only 31 yr old who brings stuffed animals to the ER with me. 

I laid there crying scared cuddled up to my ice bat  waiting for my boyfriend.

He showed up and was very very supportive and helped me pass the time by trying to calm me and keep my mind off the pain and heartbreak of the news that i knew was to come. 

They took me for my ultra sound and i just kept having flash backs of 2005 and waiting for the bad news. 

I watched the screen while she poked around inside me. 

I kept asking what the little bubble was on the screen and she told me i had to wait for the dr to find out anything. 

She turned on the sound and quickly turned it off. 

ONCE AGAIN ALL I HOPED FOR WAS TO HEAR A HEART BEAT. 

This made me nervous and even more scared cause i was in there alone i just wanted to hold his hand 

(But the tech wouldn't let anyone in the room with me.) 

and all the mean while the stabbing pain continued. 

after a few hours in the ER ( Blood tests, Discomfort, Not being allowed to eat, and Poking and prodding to my lower region) the doctor came in and he gave us the bad news that 

The egg had been fertilized but due to scar tissue on the left side of my uterus it couldn't attach and 

I was having an early miscarriage. 

(Scar tissue??? All i kept thinking was how did that happen? Is it from 2005? is it from the surgery i had when i was 17 when they throughout i had cysts?  Does this mean i will never be able to be a mom? WHY ME?) 

He gave his condolences and left the two of us in the room where we embraced each other and broke into tears. 

Upon being discharged from the hospital we called my mom and stan to come pick me and my car up from the ER. We sat in my car waiting chain smoking cigarettes, crying , heart broken. 

I wanted to die that night. It hurt so much. 

Mom decided it was best to bring me home to her house to keep an eye on me and to give me a little time to get my head together, and let my body heal.  

I just wanted to hide, I wanted to be confined to a dark room.

I didn't feel much like talking to anyone, 

(Though he came and spent cuddle time with me just holding me in his arms.) 

Some days i still don't feel much like talking to anyone.

The days just blur together. 

Since all of this I have been trying to get the guts to write this blog. 

I have been trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together. 

Ive been trying to find that me I feel i lost years ago. 

For the moment the thought of being a mother is being put on the back burner due to the fact that i can't go through another heart break trying, AND I think i need to get me back together first. 

I need to assure that I'm in a stable mindset and financial state before i can properly 

raise a young one of my own. 

THEY SAY 

Well I keep hoping all these little quotes are The TRUTH. 

I know everyone is thinking isn't this girl ever going to be happy?

Is she ever going to write a blog where sunshine and rainbows fly off my computer screen?

Why has she given up?

Just know......

Everyone keeps telling me 

And maybe this is TRUE!!!!!

I need to remember a lot of things like........

I need to find direction in my life and put the right foot forward 

And REALIZE 

I NEED TO 

That I .....

AND THAT 

I still get the urge to run away from time to time.

Which sort of ha been my defense mechanism for years. 

I have a lot of days where my mind set is ..

AHHH HOW I MISS PCH... 

But mom pointed out that maybe i need to stay put, 

Maybe i need to finally deal with these demons that I've kept bottled up inside me. 

Maybe i need to stay put get back to my roots and start from square 1. 

SHE KEEPS SAYING 

Some days this is not the easiest task. 

Heck some days Getting out of bed to face the world isn't the easiest task. 

I just keep telling myself a few days out of town will make me feel better. 

But mom put me on an imaginary NO FLY LIST Till i get a job. 

Just hoping for the best outcome for me. 

But at the same time I strongly believe 

Now I have no intention of hurting anyone but just know my choices and decisions may not be what you had hoped for or wished that i would make but what is to come is what i feel is best for me at the moment and for my future and please don't try to tell me I'm doing it wrong cause it isn't the way you imagined it. 

SOme of you have old fashioned beliefs and thats your way.

How i envision it is a little different 

And i have faith that my way is going to work.

Just remember this is my story and the ending still hasn't been written. 

BUT  I GUESS ....

I may not be living the high life at 31.

for christ sake 

i had to count and stack change to pay my cell bill 

and what was left over was gas $$$ 

Think I'm lying heres the proof. 

I don't live dollar to dollar. 

I live penny to penny, Day by day. 

BUT If this is how it has to be for a lil I guess i just have to deal. 

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.... RIGHT? 

Ive been spending most of my spare time that I've had at moms doodling in my 

Sketch a day notebook that a very close friend sent me for Christmas. 

Some days i find inspiration to doodle again and its nice to be inspired again. 

I missed art. 

Even if 1/2 of it is just scribbles. 

Maybe one day ill share whats inside. 

Ive also started falling in love with music again 

with the amazing gift of an iPOD from Mom and Stan. 

I even started high jacking everyones cd books to learn about new music and find new bands that inspire me.  Most of my Best friends and even some of my most memorable relationships 

(Regardless of how dysfunctional they may have been at the time) 

Were held together by music. It was a common interest that we could get lost in for hours. 

Just listening to the words and the instrumentals that would fit the moment or allow you to get lost and forget about your day or that bit of stress that was eating you up.. 

I look at my mom and stan and see how they communicate through music on some nights and at times i envy what they have. Its so beautiful that they can just get lost in a song together and all their worries wash away for that moment. 

I must say Im happy to have music back in my life. 

Ive tried to get back in touch with the part of me you all want to see blossom again. 

YUP THERE SHE IS THAT CAMERA YOU ALL WANT ME TO PICK BACK UP. 

well maybe one day . I have from time to time since i have been back in NJ. 

But it doesn't feel the same. 

I even kidnapped Shannon my 1st ever MUSE to see if i could find that spark between me and my camera again. 

We had a lot of fun in the studio and playing with cameras but it still wasn't the same. 

I even took a stroll down memory lane with my little brother and my camera 

YUP good old asbury prark NJ. 

This place in its golden days of destruction and abandonment inspired me to great lengths. 

But still not the same. 

I found joy in Building more DIY Cameras. 

This time i brought the kit over to dads for us to build together. 

I loved the challenge and the out come but still haven't been inspired to shoot the way i used to . 

Im not sure if I'm scared I'm going to Fail at trying to be a photographer, 

If its just self doubt? 

Or if i don't think i have good enough equipment 

Or not enough $$$$ to start off. 

But once again everyone keeps telling me 

SO my goal now is to FOCUS On finding things that inspire me.

AND REALIZING 

I know a few months ago you were all following me on a journey to shed a few pounds

and everyone seemed so proud of me on how hard i worked to achieve 

These Abs to die for 

I seemed to lose those abs and put on a few of those pounds again. 

Im not very happy about it. 

But I'm slowly trying to find the motivation to work my ass off to obtain them again. 

And from doing it once I'm sure i can do it again.

And it all starts with eating healthy and cutting out the 2 main foods NJ is so famous for loving 

NO NOT PORK ROLL ... 

Since i haven't even had any since I've been back 

But I'm talking about BREAD AND CHEESE. 

My ARCH NEMESES

Its time to get back to Raw Fruits and Veggies

YUM and 

YUM!!!!!!! 

Yes i got a lil creative with my breakfast the other day. 

Its been way too long that i have been living in this dark place.

Its also been way too long that I've been living with these dark secrets 

It sort of feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest getting this out. 

And i know it wouldn't be everyones choice to Publicly Publish such dark secrets

But as everyone should know by now. 

Im ok with my life being 100% Public. 

I have high hopes that maybe one day someone will stumble across my blog 

and maybe it will help them to know they are not alone and other people go through tough times like they may be going through. 

And if what i write can inspire just 1 person or make just one person realize they shouldn't give up 

Then Im ok with that. 

Cause honestly Writing these blogs recently has helped me NOT GIVE UP.

WITH OUT WRITING I FEEL LOST .

And it is like a free therapy for me .

And once and for all i don't care if you judge me for being so vocal on such serious issues that most people lock inside never to be discussed again. 

ITS THE ONLY WAY I WOULD HAVE IT AND I WONT BE SILENCED!

For the time being Im enjoying my time I'm spending with mom. 

we have been through a lot together and she taught me regardless of what life throws at you 

You just have to stay strong and the dark clouds will pass. 

Heck she raised me from when i was 18 months old as Single mother.

And i have seen her struggle and in the end she did the best she could and provided me with a great life. And she found peace and happiness within herself, so who says one day i won't find mine.  

And i also have to give a huge thank you to mom and stan for letting me stay with them for a bit to get my head together even though i may not be the easiest to live with cause i am set in my weird ways.

But let me tell you its been hard on me to be 31 and staying with my parents too. 

I Guess all i needed was a few tragedies , a mental break down or 2, and some good old fashioned 

From MY FAMILY to help me start to figure things out. 

And to see everything for what it is. 

Im not promising that i will pull my life together in a day, a week or 3 weeks. 

But what is important is that i am trying and am on the right path. 

And those who truly love me are behind me cheering me on 

AND AT THE MOMENT I BELIEVE IN MYSELF. 

In the words of frank turner 

I love the courts of this song

So now I'm off to find a way to support myself where i can find a bit of happiness 

And inspiration. 

And get back on my feet. 

DONT LOSE HOPE IN ME YET.

This is just the beginning of yet another chapter in this crazy book of life. 

You also may be asking well how did the holidays turn out. 

Regardless of me wanting to cancel them and battling demons in my own head 

They were really nice. 

I woke up to a great morning in my house hold. 

Filled with wrapping paper flying and lots of smiles and happiness. 

Later in the day i got to spend time with his wonderful family and then traveled down to my Family

It was nice to get to see my whole moms side of the family.

It had been way to long since we had all been together. 

I love them all and missed them. 

This was the first year in forever we all came home for the holidays. which was amazing. 

Great food, fun conversations. 

Christmas really was a happy day.

I got to spend a lil time with Dad and Fran in the days to follow the holiday. 

It really was great to be home for the holidays. 

Im going to end my blog today with a song a really close friend sent me the other day with a few words they attached to it.  This friend and i Had lost touch with each other for many years .

But were reunited by chance and fate. 

ALTER BRIDGE 

ONE DAY REMAINS

The text that went with the song when it was sent is as follows 

"I worry about you.

Im scared you lost faith in yourself.

Cause you used to know what you wanted. 

And u did what ever u could to taste it! 

I never did.

I think maybe when i wasn't there to tell u that when u needed / wanted to hear it.

And the life style u were living didn't help.

U lost yourself. 

You don't choose when you catch a break!

It comes to you when you need it to.......

As far as music goes 

Some people feel/ communicate thru music.

That the beauty of it. 

And i hope this make you feel a little better and helps you through this tough time. 

As I've said before, Each event we live through and survive

makes us who we are.

When i said I never did. 

I ment i never lost faith in you. "

Till next time thank you for reading. 

Sincerely 

Tiffany Harned.