Learning to Live again.

Well we all knew this one was coming. 

But the above Quote is one i used to live by and preach like no other. 

Well guess what i have no choice to re adopt it. 

20 Years from now I Will REGRET the things I DID NOT DO Verse The things I DID.

Live Learn Explore. 

Yes i know i reword that Mark Twain Quote to make it shorter but its all the same. 

LIVE WITH NO REGRETS.

Live for the moment.

LOVE LIFE!!

Yeah easier said then done. 

How did i once feel so free?

I mean i have an angel and devil sparrow that sit upon my shoulders that i put there to remind me that i have always lived my life as free as a bird but i just had to remember to follow my conscious 

Why sparrows. well they always find their way back home. And The are  flying towards home which is JERZEY. 

I feel like I'm rediscovering myself all over again and the strangest part of all of this is i sort of get to decide who i want to be this life around and where do i want to go. 

Its weird i feel like a butterfly who has been held in a jar for far too long. Sort of learning to breathe again. This new word SINGLE is weird to me. I did the math and realized that minus a few months between breaking up with Jamin and Marrying Brian i have been in long term relationships for most of my 20's. I feel like maybe its time to listen to that Tori Amos Song that keeps popping up on my iPod randomly. I believe the song is called "GIRL".  Some of the lyrics are as followed. 

Clutching her faded photograph

                                                            My image under her thumb 

                                                      Yes with a message for my heart

                                                       She's been everybody else's girl

Maybe one day she'll be her own 

If you care to hear the whole song here is a youtube video i found of it. 

Maybe i just need to belong to and take care of myself for a while. 

YES I KNOW I CANT SAVE THE WORLD. 

Doesn't mean I should lose faith in helping make a difference though. 

Maybe just This time  I should start by saving myself first. 

I will always have my sweet sweet memories. 

I know you all what an explanation of why but I don't feel its quite the time to get into all of that. 

Nor do i feel this is quite the place. 

SO Lets move forward shall we. 

Yes i am still going to the Gym. Not quite as much as i was. But I'm still going.

Still working on my arms and legs and abs.  

Im also still eating well If you wondering what kinds of Treats i allow myself 

See the pictures below. Shawn and I have been enjoying The Chocolate Zico's on sale at Trader Joes

Yup we bought the last of what they had. And of course i needed Mango ones. too

And Kind Bars are my other favorite treat that yes i can pronounce everything that is in them 

And they are so good and have no processed sugar. 

Im officially down to 133 Lbs and I can honestly say my belly is flatter than I've seen it Since 2008 I want to say. Thats a few years back in time WOW. 

I would post a photo BUT.......

I recently noticed WHere i am staying there are no mirrors That i can see my full body in. 

SO maybe my next update ill see if i can get a good one for you to see the difference. 

Im pretty stoked on my fitness  accomplishment.

But i have started to feel my self slipping back into a black hole. 

Right now i feel like I'm treading water just trying to stay a float.

This idle time between walking away from my home and waiting to leave for California has been interesting to say the least. MY mind comes and goes. 

"NOTE TO SELF DO NOT TRY QUITTING SMOKING WHILE DEALING WITH LOTS OF STRESS AND INSANITY" You will lose your mind. 

Ive been trying to keep up my motivation and Positive way of thinking By getting lost in all kinds of music. My iPod is by far my best friend and my savior right now. 

I love how the room I'm staying in has 2 guitars hanging on the wall. 

It helps me remember even when People can't be there for me. Music always will be. 

Im not sure if i mentioned this in my last update but Upon a lot of thinking I am strongly considering moving Back to Southern California. 

Not for the industry but for the sunshine, the beaches, And to be closer to many many of my friends. 

I did the math and weighed out the pros and cons and California all out wins. 

And not to mention i have a lot of amazing people that i get the honor of calling My friends. And yes they are real Friends. Some i have known since i was 15 yrs old that relocated from NJ to Cali. 

I also realized that there are a lot more people in SO cal that i know who have an east coast mentality about things and i sort of need a good daily dose of that from time to time. 

But all while I'm so wrapped up in leaving portland. There are a few things i will miss about this city. 

But its only a 2 hour flight and a fairly reasonable plane ticket to come back and visit. 

You ask what will i miss? The beautiful flowers that bloom every where in spring, 

The amazing organic, vegan, veggie, all around healthy delicious places to eat.

GHOST CHILI INFUSED BEER.

My Trainer Heidi over at 24 hour fitness.

OH and did i mention MY few Friends who are all amazing people here in PDX. 

Yeah i think i will miss them all the most. 

And i have to give the water front credit on the days the sun decides to show its face.

 It does end the day with the most beautiful sunset. 

Now i am still having my Ups and Downs. 

Day to day. Its not easy starting over. 

Some days i feel like someone should or just did stake me through the heart. 

I tattooed the following over my heart 4.5 years ago. 

Guess what i still feel it applies. 

I have too much idle time and when i sit still for too long waiting for what ever is next i tend to dwell and over think things. Right now my mind is fixed on how am i going to get myself a little studio apartment in So Cal? How would i decorate my rooms. What type of furniture will i want. 

I often ask myself what do i want to be when i grow up.

I also wonder if once i get my own place will i be able to find inspiration in myself again? 

Will I be able to survive on my own? 

Yes i know i did it for years but I have a strange fear that hides in the back of my head that is still uncertain.

I try to play tough to the world but i am the biggest pussy cat ever. 

Just a Giant marshmallow scared of being smooshed.

But most of the people i know who probably want to hug me are too far to do so. 

And i have been told by a friend that they still haven't invented a way to send Hugs Via Text. 

With all the stuff apple just announced that the NEW OS can do Still I'm Shit out of luck on receiving a hug via text. Someone has to figure out a way to make this happen for me. 

Yeti Media can we make this happen? 

I took an amazing trip to Seattle with Shawn to see Sleep, 

My God i could get lost in Pikes Guitar riffs and tones for days. 

Heck i could just get lost in Sleeps music as a whole also for days.

Its funny that when pike and i met in Oakland he to this day says  

"i was just the little pink haired girl who worked at a sandwich shop and lived with Keli. And i would bring him and keli home sandwiches from work. " 

And he was just a bro who always looked out for me and called me family. 

I value his friendship more than any thing you can put a price tag on. 

I worry about him but know his Lady is amazing and won't let anything bad happen to him. 

I love this pic. just me and yet another Bro who adopted me as a little sister.

If your have never heard  Sleeps Music here is a Youtube video i figured i would add incase you wanted to check it out. 

Since the show last week i have had a lot of idle time.

Most of it spent working for Yeti Media who are sort of amazing in case you didn't know. 

and did you know there is a new Yeti Avatar. Im on the verge of demanding a Plush of this cute NEW YETI. He's sort of cute and would make a great pillow or cuddle buddy. 

Its been nice to spend some time with Danielle and her sweet baby Raven.

Danielle is such a cute mom. She's super sweet with Raven. This was the view from where i was sitting working the other day. Danielle and Raven usually keep me company from across the room while i work. When they are not napping that is. 

These two have set up shop in my room too. Its funny i have the smallest room in the house and yet everyone gathers in here with me. It sort of makes me feel special from time to time. 

Lux and Sadie are way too cute. 

Sadie is my new best friend. She has actually been sleeping in here with me. 

she snuggles with me and wakes me to smelly puppy kisses but its ok. She's cute and such a sweet heart. 

I started writing blogs for Yeti Media's Tumblr page. 

Nothing just just opinionated Reviews and such. 

If you want to check it out here is the link

YETI MEDIA BLOG Written BY ME!!!

Oh Um Yeah i forgot some credit goes to Raven too who has been working hard on doing all my typing as i dictate what i want the blog to say to her. For being 3 months old she is amazing at typing. 

I can't believe this photo worked out so well.

another bonus of getting to stay in the guest room at Danielle's and Shawn's is my room is right above where Alabama Black Snake Practice. Good times. 

They have been practicing as a 3 piece and their new drummer Alex is pretty chill. And of course Shawn and Zay are awesome too. 

Still focusing on positive things I took Chase to the Pacific Ocean for the first time ever.

It was sort of amazing. He has been in Oregon and due to forces against his control he was unable to make it to the coast. This picture pretty much says it all. 

Just enjoy the simple things life has to offer and you can always find peace in nature. 

Freedom is amazing when used to do positive things. 

The interesting thing about this picture is the rock he is standing next to is called Haystack Rock and was used in the filming of the movie the Goonies. 

Can you believe The picture below is also the oregon Coast. 

It was a cloudy gloomy day but nothing less than amazing. 

Between the scenery and company it was near perfect. 

Next I'm sitting on the beach watching these huge beautiful waves and this beautiful great dane  comes running up to me and smothers me in puppy kisses. He sat down next to me for a few and then ran off to give chase puppy kisses then just went running back down the beach. It was pretty cool. 

People keep telling me the following and i hope one day i reach that level of happy. 

Cause I'm always trying to think on the bright side of things and keep getting caught in a stupid fish net that keeps me in the tornado of insanity. I just hope this tornado and its dark cloud pass by soon. 

Some days i just feel like telling my bad moods to kiss my ASS!!!!

Grandma I'm sorry and yes i had to post this picture. 

But this is what happens when you lose a lot of weight and don't where your belt through the belt loops provided on your pants. They fall down. LOL. 

And yes I'm serious Bad and Down moods need to kiss my Butt. 

So to lighten the mode i have been trying to keep busy with great people. 

I randomly ran into Saige on the side of the road and decided to join her and T for a social drink for a bit. Saige and i got into an interesting discussion about religion when i was asked why i still have a ring on and i explained it was my grandmas and was given to me for my confirmation. She snarled and said Catholics. So then i pulled out my grandmas rose peddle Rosary out of my bag and Saige cringed. Thank you T for taking these awesome pictures and putting them together for me. 

I introduced T to Chase. Which were good times. 

I was bored and decided to see if any of my piercings were still open and it turns out my septum never closed all the way so i can get a very tiny hoop in it. And if i wish to take it out Heck it stayed open for 3.5 years what difference will one day make. I think it looks cute. 

I also decided to be a bit daring and go for a hair cut over at Bishops Barber shop where Zay is officially cutting hair for a living. 

I figured a cut and a dye were in order for my trip back to Cali. 

So here is the worst before and after pictures ever. 

BEFORE....................................AFTER

Oh you don't see the difference? Oh i don't in those pics either .

But i do see it here. Yup we went sort of Blonde 

Can you see the streaks now??? 

What about Now? LOL

I love it. Thanks ZAY...

OH did i mention we also shaved more of my head? 

And if you want a good before reference color picture of my hair the one blow and above really shows the blonde vs brown. 

Did You know your head gets cold when you shave it. LOL, 

Please don't lecture me on being able to get my piercings in or me shaving part of my head. 

Life is too short. 

BUt what i do need to be reminded every day is everything below. 

And this is my life and i should do what i Love and do it Often. 

I love to travel and even packed my camera in my bag for the trip.

The other night i went through a few boxes and decided to have a nice fire made of just papers and such.

It felt good to watch all the papers go up in flames and turn to ashes. 

"We cross our bridges when we come to them we burn them behind us with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke and a presumption that once our eyes watered" 

Tom Stoppard 

Well enough dwelling on the past.

In a few hours i will be at the airport. 

The day i have been waiting for is finally here. 

No more cali dreaming, Its official Im leaving on a jet plane.

Im facing my fears, going back to the state i never wanted to leave.

To the place that has sunshine. 

I have Faith that soon enough things will fall into place.

I have to just keep telling myself There are............ 

Im sorry to end this here. BUt i just looked at the clock and i will get about 2 hours of sleep so i must run. I promise another blog post when i return from California. 

When may that be either the 19th or the 24th. 

I may sign out of FB for a duration of my trip just to escape while I'm doing Me things. 

Dont hate me. I just feel maybe its time i enjoy some of these moments with out a phone in my hand. 

Thank you for reading and following and feel free to share this link if you would like. 

Here I go again on my own..... LOL. 

Heres where i get to turn the page to the next chapter to see what life may throw at me next. 

Till next time.