The Butterfly Emerging……...

Hello again, 

Its been a minute or maybe a year.

how have i been ? where did i go?

so much has happened as some of you know. 

where to begin? i don't even know. 

Its been a long hard road, Trust me so. 

lets take a trip back a lil in time. then ill bring you up to date with a lil reason and ill stop with the riddles and rhymes………..

I find it so comical that lately i have been feeling alive and free yet everyone is contacting me saying they are worried about me

(NOW IS THE TIME YOU DECIDE TO WORRY?) I can't help but laugh.

I feel like a butterfly emerging from its cacoon, ready to spread my wings and fly free again. 

The past year has been very rough on me for many reasons. 

I feel like i was trapped in a cage, had my spirit & wings broken, my mind tangled into a knot, and then recently 

some how, broke free to be reborn to see things more clearly, and finally begin to understand ME…..

Im starting to think that life is a little like the movie ground hog day just not as obvious. 

i notice my life travels in loops and if i continue to make the same mistakes I'm destined to live the horrors of the past only worse and worse with each attempt. Like in the movie i tend to self destruct to start over, in a way just not as drastic. 

i now see that and hope that i can avoid the same mistakes this loop around. 

I remember once upon a time there lived this little gypsy soul so wild n free

full of love, wonder, and beauty.  she lived by her own rules, followed her dreams.

Had this amazing attitude of NO ONE CAN STOP ME. 

A little reckless at times. 

but thats just my honesty. 

That little girl once upon a time was me. 

I look back on my past n tho a lot of my time was a blast, Not all moments were so fun and free. 

I went off the deep ended and in a sense lost myself for a little bit of time. 

I gave up on my passions and dreams, 

Tried to conform to what i thought i was souposed to be. 

I started to believe that 1/2 of what i was doing was wrong cause thats what they told me. 

I turned into just another in this big flock of sheep. 

I was knocked down, torn apart, and left with not much more than a broken heart. 

To be 100% honest i was left scared to death of the world and the people in it. 

Who can i trust? what should i believe? Holy shit I was left nothing more then a shell of who i used to be. 

There is nothing worse than hearing all 130 lbs of your 32yr old self is FAT, OLD, UGLY, WASHED UP, AND EVEN WORSE. 

Constantly being told "Little Tiffany Running AWAY". (so what if i run away) 

Sometimes i need to take a step back from events and people to re evaluate things. 

I just tend to take a few more steps farther than most people.

Like I leave the state or sometimes the country. 

I never wanted someone who would say "DONT GO" 

All i ever wanted was someone to say "I'M COMING WITH YOU"

to my usual "I'LL BE BACK SOON, I'M RUNNING AWAY"

or better yet could have just showed me why i should have stayed. 

Cause the way things were i was being pushed far far away. 

In my broken n defeated state i found true love in the strangest of places. 

A Snow covered winter park. 

And a little paw reached out and grabbed me and stole my heart away.

I took her home and after a few days. I named her Winter…..

After a Tori amos song. if you read or listen to the lyrics of that song her name is beyond fitting, 

Here take a listen…….

She slowly started to teach me what true unconditional love really is and what it should feel like. 

Call me the crazy cat lady all you want but she did more for me and my depression than any pill could do. 

She started to unknowingly teach me to love myself again, 

And I started to want to fall in love with myself again. I wanted to love myself as much as she loved me. 

I brought her almost every where with me night and day. 

I didn't want to leave her side. she was my little lost baby. 

and the crazy part about the day she came into my life….. 

it was one year to the day of me losing my baby. 

(Lets not dwell on that tho, Im going to try to try and keep this going on a little more on a positive note)

Winter has truly been a blessing to me tho. 

She is mommy's little monster,  the perfect match for me its sort of scary. 

Do you believe in Fate?

I do and i believe she was created just for me. 

A super photogenic cat, with a personality to fit, and a love for travel, and very protective of me. 

She is my living angel. So tiny and sweet. 

And she helps ease the pain. when she's not biting my feet. 

She is now almost a year old and has traveled with me around most of the country and even walks on a leash. 

I even took her to canada with me a month ago.

YUP AS I SAID GO AHEAD CALL ME THE CRAZY CAT LADY……….

In the past few months You can say that I've been single, But i prefer to think 

Im in a relationship with Adventure and FUN !!!!

Cause as we all know I have a little Gypsy in me. 

I realize i don't need a relationship to make myself whole. 

Im fine being independent and free and being madly love with me. 

FINALLY!!!!!

Its weird to think I just turned  33. 

Damn I'm getting old. 

Yet, Im just now starting to figure out who i am.

the other day i had a moment of an epiphany 

I woke up feeling inspired to try my hand again at Photography. 

Only to discover My Digital camera no longer works. 

I jumped in my car and drove to the store.

And did something so out of context for me

I dropped a ton of money that i had been saving on a new Camera 

To try and give it another go at my dreams.

And believe it or not I have not put it down since. 

Its sort of like the Old me. 

So with that me and my IPhone camera broke up and my new canon and i were inseparable 

Inspired to create i began to make peace with the demons that had inhabited my head.

My intense vivid colorful dreams NOW being turned into images for the world to see.

After buying the camera 

I had been inspired by my Mentor returning an old bag of shoes i had given him back in 2008 

which rattled something in my mind to start working on a unique series, Take a walk in my shoes. 

 And let me tell you my shoes have been many places. 

Here are a few sample images of the beginning of that series.

Its strange how with my creativety  being reawakened I shoot and shoot 

and as the days go by i look back on old images and aren't as pleased with the as i was in the beginning

I can see my skills improving right before my eyes. 

And have learned to take constructive critizem a little better. 

My only problem that stands now in this learning process is…
 I know how to do self portraits of me ...

Where do i find a model and how rusty would i be working with another person? 

With that a put out an SOS and got an amazing response. 

So i chose one friend to begin the learning process with. 

And the images came out beautifully. 

Here are a few samples of what i captured that day

So now i sit here with a camera in my hand, new images on my computer, a fire burning in my soul, new knowledge in my head ,

And i ask myself where do i go from here……

start with a little clowning around?

I look back and remember how hard it was to get my feet off the ground with photography back in the day. 

To think i am back to square one again and trying to figure out how to do it all over again. 

STEP 1 … NAIL MY BOOTS TO THE KITCHEN FLOOR ….

You ask WHY?!?!?!?!

Well I realize I'm not getting any younger, and maybe its time to find myself a home base.

Im starting to think NJ will actually be that home base.

sometimes the greatest inspiration comes from a place you are very fimilar with.

And maybe its time i get over my fear of NJ. 

STEP 2 …. GET MY PORTFOLIO TOGETHER…….

Its time to actually put together a hard copy portfolio book 

STEP 3 …. LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE AND MAKE MAGIC HAPPEN……

I believe great things are on the horizon. 

Watch wait and see…..

I BELIEVE IN ME……

Besides photography i have been writing a lot more too.

I have also been opening up and learning to not be scared of who i am and some of what i have lived through. 

about a year ago, i shared a story with a close friend and gave her permission to publish it under my pen name.

The other day i received great news that my story had been published in a book she put together.

It is a book of tales from like minded strong women. 

Id love to plug it here but it is not appropriate for some of my readers. 

And whats the use of freedom of expression under a pen name if i let the the world know its me. 

LOL….. Sometimes its fun to have a secret or two. 

And I'm learning I'm entitled to have a few. 

Not everything needs to be throw out there for the world to know n see. 

Tho i really do appreciate honesty. 

I allowed someone to read my story as i allow you all to read my thoughts thru my blog. 

And this person asked me why i would share such an experience, 

My response was "in hopes that someone reads it and doesn't decide to walk down the same road"

Same goes for why i openly wrote about my horrible experience with miscarrying. 

and to my surprise there were many people who read that contacted me and told me they had been

 thru the same thing but were scared to speak about it.

So don't mock me for being open. 

I was born a very young soul, but with my journey i have spent most of my life seeking experiences and truth

this is one reason i wander so much. 

I want to live, experience, explore, and learn everything i possibly can. 

I don't want to learn it from a TV. 

Heck i can't remember the last time i turned on a tv. 

Or even sat and watched a movie or tv show. 

Music, Books, Living life And Traveling are enough for me.

I keep speaking of this weird awaking that i have been experiencing .

let me tell you a little more about it. 

I have finally become comfortable in my own skin. 

Im no longer scared of who i was, what I've done, and who i have become. 

I know that peoples ill words towards me should just roll off my back like a rain drop in a down pouring rain. 

I guess its a progression. 

Making peace with the demons in my mind, realizing no matter what I've done n how stupid it may have seemed 

All of this has turned me into the woman i am today. 

Im finally able to look in the mirror and see That i am Beautiful, Smart, Creative, Independent, and even a little Crazy.

Its pretty amazing what i have survived this far in life, what I've lived thru and how i have applied it to who i am today.

A young soul growing old.

and like a fine wine, just getting better with age.
Some fun little pics from my bday …..

AHHH 33… FINALLY!!!!!

Being back in NJ i have been visiting a lot of my old hauntes and walking down familiar roads 

to discover the past does not live there anymore

I have lost my fear of running into any skeletons that may pop out of the closet. 

I have also decided if any of these skeletons do fall out that I'm going to act like a mature 

adult and allow them to say what they may and just turn my back n walk away.

At 33 there is no need to stoop to peoples childish levels and get into bickering fights. 

Sticks and stones make break my bones, But your words can no longer hurt me. 

Ive wasted too much time on useless BS …..

Game over time to move on.

Its so weird feeling comfortable in my skin for once. 

Being able to accept that i am just that awkward skinny white girl born and raised in NJ.
A unique little chameleon butterfly…..

I wasn't raised in an upper class town. I was raised by a single mother who did her very best to provide for me and her.

A blue collar broken home. N i can't be ashamed of that. 

Heck i wish i grow up to be 1/2 the woman my mom is.
Ive put her thru a lot n she is still standing by my side, Telling me she believes in me. 

Hey ma this ones for u….

Sorry i've taken different paths then u may have dreamed i would have

But i think slowly but surely I'm figuring it out

in my own untraditional ways. 

Love ya. 

Watch me make a name for myself and rise above the BS……

Photography, Writing, Modeling, and what ever other endeavor i may decide to dabble in next. I will give it my all.

Coming back to NJ in my 30's was one hell of of a shock. 

Lets see I've been gone for quite some years

I had made a life for myself out west, new friends, new "family" and a new name for myself. 

All of that now 3000 miles away. 

Everyone i knew and was close with here in NJ 

now married, with kids, mortgages, and careers…..

The rest of those who i was close with have moved away and escaped this state. 

Here i am with a wanderlust from hell, Still trying to reach past the stars to catch my dreams, 

NO KIDS, DIVORCED, AND STAYING WITH MY MOM….

I found myself feeling like the new kid in school and having to start from scratch and making new friends. 

Thankfully  no one ever taught me i shouldn't speak to strangers…

So with that said i have been I've talking to tons of strangers and some of them have become dear friends i value.

Don't get me wrong I still keep in touch with a lot of my dear friends from all over the country 

It just sucks not being able to see them unless they are traveling thru. 

I really am blessed with having met and knowing some of the most amazing inspirational people you can imagine. 

And being able to call them friends. 

From all walks of life. 

Thanks to social media and the invention of cell phones i can keep in touch with them. but sometimes its not the same as being able to hug them 

and grab a coffee together. 

There is so much more i would like to say but for now, I think ill just end it this way…….

Life is wonderful, SMILE…. Trouble… 

Till next time……….