31 STARTING OUT A STORM OF A YEAR.

It was 4:08 October 22nd 1981 

She looked into my baby blues 

my life had just begun. 

Now its 31 Years later 

And I'm thinking of all I've been through.

Well Another birthday has come and gone.

It didn't quite feel like my birthday 

But i was caught off guard with a few surprises to prove it was. 

 My co workers and Boss got me a Birthday cake 

And Even Decorated my desk for my Birthday. 

My birthday was filled with Sweet fun snacks

A nice walk / Skate downtown with Dan 

People i love 

MOM and STAN 

DAD ,  My friend Adrienne

DAN

And A few other good friends. 

Dan wins an award for being awesome at picking out Birthday gifts. 

WOW 

This is a first a boyfriend that didn't need assistance to pick out things That would make me smile. 

Below pictured is my new TOKIDOKI Skate deck and a pinhole camera kit. 

AND HE DIDNT EVEN NEED MY WISHLIST 

http://amzn.com/w/1LXZ3ALZHQFSZ

For the first time in forever i got to enjoy Fall fun such as 

Pumpkin Picking with Dan, Kayla, and the rest of Dans Family. 

It was a fun day up in PA. 

I taught Kayla how to Carve her 1st pumpkin.

She decided on Jack the skeleton as the design she was going for. 

There is nothing better than sticking your hands in the top of a pumpkin 

and pulling out the guts. and getting crafty to turn that pumpkin into a work of art

Dan even joined in on the fun. 

It was a family fun type of night

Even though Halloween was cancelled in NJ Due to the storms

 i will get to in a minute 

But First

Mom and Stan threw a Halloween Costume Party 

Mom and Stan out did them selves with the gathering and their costumes. 

Yup Big Babies. 

Dan and i thought it was only appropriate for us to go as a NUN and a Priest 

I think we make a cute couple. 

We got into the Halloween spirit by going to a Horror convention in NJ 

Called Chiller Theater The Actors and Actress' that were in attendance weren't the greatest but some of the costumes and the shopping was a blast. 

I even had the chance to run into an old friend who is a B horror Actress 

In Horror Movies Who acts by the name Ruby Larocca 

But it was nice to cross paths with Jess again. 

Dans tattoo shop ran a Halloween Special for $50 Full color tattoos off a flash sheet 

The tattoo artist Lynn Drew up.  Yes i got one and no it is not the big breasted Mummy

Rahway held its first ever ZOMBIE BAR CRAWL which in my opinion was a bit of a flop.

Im a lil sad i missed the Zombie invasion in ASBURY PARK. 

Since The Zombie walk didn't make it up by the tattoo shop 

Lynn did Kayla up like a Zombie with the few pieces of make up i had in my purse

I must say Lynn did a great job. 

And Off Dan, Kayla and i went to find the ZOMBIES. 

The days to follow were filled with work and preparing for a storm that no one believed was going to be what the news was making the storm out to be.

Dan's shop is next to a river so we were fearing Flooding conditions

Like Hurricane Irene brought the Year Before to the area we live in. 

So Buying Sand bags were in order. 

No News Brief could fully prepare us for what was to come next. 

The scary thing is This kid was 110% right about the storm.

The clouds started to roll in and the wind picked up 

On our drive home we noticed The gas stations were boarding up 

We were concerned with what may come. 

They were calling it a Franken storm. 

That night we stood out front watching the sky fill with Blues and Greens, and Purples

From Every transformer for miles around EXPLODING. 

The wind was pretty strong and the rain began to come down sideways. 

Where we live is a few miles in land and the storm was coming from the Sea with a mixture of High Tides no one could have ever imagined. 

NJ was put a STATE OF EMERGENCY INTO FULL EFFECT.

We watched on TV as They showed Pictures of Shore towns slowly becoming part of the Atlantic Ocean. And just then the world went Dark from Trees taking out power lines which left most of NJ in Darkness. From there we were only left with Cell phones to find out what was going on with the world past our block. 

Friends of mine were posting pictures that i have displayed below as they watched the water rise Outside of their front door. 

As they had to wait with their children to be rescued by boat.

Im sure you have heard of SEASIDE HEIGHTS 

You know One of the many boardwalks in NJ

But more specifically the one that the trashy TV show THE JERSEY SHORE was filmed at. 

A lot of people keep saying 

IF MTV wasn't going to cancel the show THE JERSEY SHORE.

Then GOD DID.

Sorry if that sounds mean but I had to throw it in there.

It Honestly is Sad how many people lost their homes and business' 

And How most of NJ Lost their summer place they went to forget about everything to have fun and be a kid again. 

Seaside used to be a fun place where my mom would take me during the summers as a child and 

Later in life myself and many friends built many great memories at. 

It broke my heart to discover that the picture below was all that was left. 

There used to be Beach houses and Hotels Where the water and sand now sit. 

Miles and miles of boardwalk gone along with roller coasters and other rides and games

It breaks my heart to see these aftermath pictures of some where that used to make me smile. 

As many of you know I have pieces of the NJ town Asbury Park tattooed on my arm 

Well the past few years they had spent a lot of money to revamp and revive The town of Asbury 

With high hope of bringing it back to life for the next generation to Enjoy and build happy memories at. 

Well Hurricane Sandy Came along and crushed all of that ambition in one night. 

Once again RIP ASBURY PARK.

Im planning a trip down there with my camera to see if my old muse all run down and beat up may re-spark my Passion to hold a camera again. 

I find beauty in broken Places, People, and things.

And Asbury was my 1st true love when i looked through the lens of my camera. 

Now to speak of something a little more on the bright side. 

Im happy some of my friends allowed me to photograph their children At such places as Seaside and Point Pleasant so they will have these pictures to cherish these places they also enjoyed as children.

CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO TAKE A STROLL DOWN AT THE JERSEY SHORE THROUGH MY CAMERAS EYES WHEN IT WAS STILL ALIVE 

http://solidcopyimages.blogspot.com/2011/06/shore-memory.html

As Broken as my heart is about the shore It also broke my heart to drive around the town i grew up in 

the one i live in now and the surrounding areas. 

The picture below was taken outside of my dads and just nearly missed his house. 

I headed over there to check on him.

Along with the Massive Power Outages I soon discovered That 99% of AT&T and VERIZION's 

Cell towers were down too. 

It was nearly impossible to get a call out our to use the internet on my phone. 

Talk about a shock of being so tech friendly and involved to No cell phones, no computers, NO LIGHTS. 

Most of the old beautiful oak trees in town decided it was time to just fall over and take a nap roots, sidewalks , and all. They just up rooted and landed where ever they wanted. 

Upon driving around the small middle class towns trying to avoid Powerlines that just dangled in the middle of the road and on sidewalks

You would see houses with trees resting upon them. Some crushed to the point you could see in the residents bedroom, living room, or in one instance the tree fell dead center of the home and turned it into 2 separate structures. 

With most of the power out in NJ This also meant stores, ATM's, food places, and gas stations

couldn't open. 

Most of the people were powering their homes by generators that required gas to run. 

And with only minimal electric to open gas stations. 

CASH ONLY!!! Who carries cash on them these days?

The lines Began to form. 

Both with people on foot to fill canisters to power their generators  

The lines went on for blocks and even miles. Of people standing in the cold with as many canisters as they could carry. 

And cars that waited in Line for a good mile to 2 waiting to fuel up after the storm. 

And just my luck after sitting in line for 3 hours i was the car behind the Jeep Tagged 

LAST FOR GAS

Since we lived by a gas station we had to continue to wait in line just to get to our street we lived on. 

The next day people began to line up at the gas stations as early as midnight and they were sleeping in their cars just to hopefully fuel up as soon as the station opened and the trucks delivered more fuel. 

For a few Days I was unable to get in touch with my Job cause cell phones were down

Upon returning to work I realized the storm had taken out the pole that was out front of our office. 

For a week it was left forgotten about by the city but remained to have electricity flow through the wire that the pole dangled on. 

I managed to document it falling farther and farther as the days went on. 

Leaning closer and closer to our building and the trucks in our docks. 

Something tells me it wasn't quite safe to be in the building considering 2 transforms rested upon that pole too. 

But Back to work for me. 

With the long lines of people waiting for gas in  NJ put into effect a LAW 

For odd and even gas rationing.

Most of the gas stations read 

A lot of them couldn't get trucks in to refuel the stations and they were draining their tanks below federal and environmental regulations

I ended up driving a few miles south on the turnpike and paying a few extra dollars to not sit in a line on my day to get gas. 

Upon getting to the station i had to be OKed by 4 police officers to go into the station.

I think it was worth it. 

Thank you Turnpike rest stop just south of exit 8A. 

And i didn't have to worry about people price gouging due to supply and demand. I think the most i saw someone charging was $5  gallon when regular rate was only $3.69

Tensions ran high in many ways.

From the storm

The stress from No electricity for more than a week started to take a toll 

On everyone, 

Dan not being able to open the shop amongst other things started to build tension.

There was this feeling of helpless ness that came over many people in NJ that week.

Being unable to make money, Unable to find food in stores and unable to easily find gas, Having to throw out all the food in your fridge, and some unable to do something as simple as take a hot shower.

And for us  

the stress of driving back and forth to town to check on things at the shop while a curfew of 7PM

stood over the town to make the chance of people looting less likely.

It was not a good time to be back here in NJ. 

My Headlights were our only source of light at night.

Believe it or not the picture below is the center of Rahway NJ at night.

Usually filled with traffic lights and street lights we were left with complete darkness. 

So what does one do at night when TV, Computers, Cell Phones, and so on aren't an option?

You play Ghettopoly of course

They don't say that someone is 

For no reason.

Like myself Most people from Nj will bounce back on their feet in a short amount of time 

And life will resume to normal 

As we band together to rebuild the places that Hurricane Sandy destroyed. 

But for now.........

As of the moment 

But i wasn't ready for what hit NJ next. 

Yup the beginning of November just days after the Hurricane 

Mother nature sent us a SNOW storm. 

I was ecstatic to have a decent snow storm since it had been so long since i had been around for one.

Though The state of NJ with so many people without power and left homeless 

did not need this at this moment. 

Remember the center of town in Rahway that i just mentioned.....

Well there it is with electricity and covered with snow awaiting the plows to come out and clear the roads. 

I thought i would have more music to soothe my soul coming back here .

Considering Music used to be such a huge part of my life.

But I find myself watching more TV and just running in circles trying to keep up with Daily life which has become a bit busy but a but mundane at the same time. 

I don't get to do a lot of things i once enjoyed cause there doesn't seem to be time for such things at the moment .

I need to remember to take a moment to stop breathe and enjoy and live in the moment.

So lets all take a second to stop and listen to This

Black Keys song 

that i have been in Love with  

I still find myself thinking way too much.

And i sometimes wonder if my Broken heart had fully healed

Or if I'm still as fragile and as broken as i was only a few months ago. 

Yes i walked away and for good reason.

But My god it was a kick in the balls to sign onto FB and realize i am still friends with a few people brian Hangs out with in Portland.

Only to be caught off guard to see the man i couldn't pay to dress up let along celebrate Halloween

was all done up in a mask and god knows what else. 

Peep for your self. 

Im actually happy that he finally found someone who he is willing to do fun things with. 

Im sorry that i couldn't be that person for him. 

But it was a bit more of a punch to the gut when he picked up the phone and actually called me the other day. Im  not sure if he was trying to be nice or rub it in my face that he wasnt in NJ 

and didnt have to deal with the Gas problems n electric being out. 

Upon telling a friend he called this was the response my friend replied with 

I just remind myself 

And it is the truth of what i hear from all of my friends who found their forevers. 

Their True loves. 

I look at this picture below and see true happiness in my face. 

I am laughing and enjoying life.

And feeling loved and safe in his arms.

I dream of years and years of happiness in his arms .

I keep hoping that he doesn't fade away. I honestly don't know if i can handle what would come next. 

My last blog was mostly about him so this time I'm focusing a lil more on other aspects of my day and life. 

My mind has been a rapid mess lately.

Scared, and maybe over thinking things as usual 

And causing myself Anxiety, and probably causing others head aches.

But every time I start to question my move back east.

The following song comes on the radio and it makes me feel like 

I made the right choice and I just have to be tough and Life will fall into place. 

I was on the phone with my grandmother and grandfather the other day,

They are both happy i am home even though i haven't been able to see them as much as i would like to.

And my grandma asked if I will ever be happy?

I guess i am starting to sound like a broken record sometimes. 

Im sure your thinking is this girl ever going to be 100% Happy 

Well Nobody knows what its like behind blue eyes.

I am happy with many aspects of my life

But The new job isn't everything I've always dreamed of for myself.

I keep asking why health benefits and a 401K are so important?

why can't i find a job that makes me happy that fits my lifestyle and my creative personality?

But its a pay check and it helps me get by so i have to get out of bed and go there every day

and do as I'm told. 

And be another sheep in the flock that does what i am told to. 

But with this place of employment, you can do something right 3 days in a row and on the 4th day do it the same way and it is 100% incorrect for some reason. 

Its confusing and takes a bit of a toll on me.

Im such a damn marshmallow. 

We will see what becomes of this employment venture. 

But for now it is what it is. 

I had to go to the doctor the other day and they put me on a scale and i was royally bummed out that i am back up to 140lbs. Thats a whole 10lbs i went up in 2 months and i see it coming back on my face and in my belly. 

I keep telling myself that i must start to work out but the lack of motivation at the moment stops that from happening. I will get back into my work out routine i promise. 

In due time. 

Some days i wake up on top of the world and others i wake in this slump of what now. 

Its no ones fault but my own. There are a few demons that have been eating away at me lately. 

Don't worry about me ill get through it. 

I just don't feel  stable as of the moment.

I need to get back to that me i was trying to find a few months ago. 

I have this urge to start writing again but can't seem to find the time.

I want to let out some of these screams out, that I'm holding inside but can't quite find the words. 

On my drive to work the other day the fog was heavy and my mind was full.

For once i didn't mind the drive nor the traffic that i was about to hit on my drive in.

The day reminded me of a dream i once had that was full of peace and all things good.

So i took the time to enjoy the moment and to feel completely content with the moment. 

I stumbled upon this sign on my way to work too and realized 

YES I HONESTLY THINK I AM.

LOST.

Im just a young soul trying to learn and take in all i can 

And a bit of a lost soul at the same time and don't quite know where to look for guidance at the moment.

Even though im surrounded by people i feel so lonely. 

And for the first time it isnt the people im spending my time with.

Its me.

I have been in a bit of hermit mode lately keeping my distance from friends and the world.

Stumbling out of my shell moment to moment. 

But i feel like I've been stuck inside a day dream since the time i was 18 

I find myself yet again looking back on who i was 

Where i was 

And most of all what i was. 

Dan keeps saying he wants me to pick up my camera again 

And I'm starting to feel like i may actually agree with him finally about this. 

But i have a bitter sweet feeling for my camera and the career i once called my own

Remember when i made a living from being an artist.

One could only wish for that again. 

But everyone assumes, Ill work for free.

BUT..........

I took it upon myself to build the pinhole camera Dan and kayla got me for my birthday 

NOW ALL I NEED IS FILM. 

In the midst of all the insanity going on in my mind, at my place of employment , and this state i call home again. 

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and think i may be on the right track. 

I decided to change my focus in life and get back to working on finding me again. 

And getting back on a right track. 

I keep having dreams of my life no longer being in boxes, a place called home, so clean and nicely decorated with art work and Vintage Cameras on shelves. 

I have dreams of road trips, and good times with old friends.

Life has been taking some odd turns to remind me of who i am 

And what i am capable of being. 

I can Promise you this regardless what type of twists and turns this story may take its going to get interesting and amazing at the same time. 

I can't promise i won't go through 500 more shitty jobs in the next 2 years, 

I can't promise i will be happy 100% of the time,

I can't promise to be silent about the things that bother me. 

I can't promise I'm going to put up with anyones BS,

And i can't promise I'm going to feel good enough about life to update my blog every month.

But i will promise i will try to keep my mind on the right track and accomplish something new every day, 

I promise i will start standing up for myself instead of cowering in a corner crying.

 i promise i will pick up my camera very soon. 

And i promise i won't let myself down regardless how hard the days may seem to make it through. 

I figured i would End this on a happy note.

So here it goes.

Till next time,

THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING ...

Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same.
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

I don't like walking around this old and empty house.
So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear

The stairs creak as I sleep,
it's keeping me awake
It's the house telling you to close your eyes

Some days I can't even dress myself.
It's killing me to see you this way.

'Cause though the truth may vary
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

There's an old voice in my head
that's holding me back
Well tell her that I miss our little talks.

Soon it will all be over, buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young
and full of life and full of love.

Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.

'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!

TO BE CONTINUED...............................