A Long over due update

Well hello again. sorry for the delay in update but i haven't felt like writing considering so much has been going on and Ive been trying to focus on ME!!!!

But as i left off in my last blog Danielle had gone into labor and i swore Raven would be arriving in any hour.

Well to say the least it was more like i think 72 hours. Danielle is one tough cookie. and she is very lucky to have such a sweet, supportive, strong, and caring husband.

I cant imagine 72 hours of Labor. Wait i cant imagine 1 hour of labor.

But RAVEN JAMES has arrived . She was 9lbs and 7ozs and 21 inches at birth and is beyond beautiful and one of the most well behaved newborns i have ever met. She is perfect in every way.

With Danielle and Shawn's permission of course I decided to post a few pictures of Raven.

And Danielle and Shawn with their new born beautiful baby girl.

I wish i could take credit for taking some of these photos but I CANT.

They are all borrowed off Danielle and Shawn's Facebook Page. 

And i believe one or two were sent to me by Shawn. 

Below pictures were taken hours after ravens birth. She is so precious.  

I figure I should also update you all on how I'm coping with the rest of life too.

Ive had my ups and Downs since my last update.

Raven being born was a Big up.

But then i had to go back to work in the mail room. Which was sort of starting to depress me big time. I also had a lot of unanswered questions on my mind that were taunting me.

Blasts from the past continued coming out of the wood work which i was sort of on the fence about reconnecting with them.

I just didnt understand why these people felt a need to look me up but my guess is life felt like making my days more difficult to deal with.

And Brian and i were not seeing eye to eye on everything too.

My depression started to hurt.

Portland's Bi Polar weather even started to take a toll on my moods.

If you are asking what do i mean by Bi Polar weather lets just say (the sun would come out for a tease, Then you go to walk out side n it starts pouring, then all of a sudden you hear a noise like someone is dumping rock salt on the roof from a plane but no worries its only hail.)

Then you wake up to snow and by noon its 60 out.

Oh did i mention raccoons like playing in the snow outside my front door.

Their paw prints let me know they visited.

I was considering going to a tanning salon just to get some sunshine to try to make me feel better.

But then i got scared of the fake sun. I decided i need real sun and began missing California.

I know sunshine will help my mood.

I invested in some huge sun glasses to hide behind. Even though its cloudy here most of the time. But i was Figuring if my sunglasses were big enough maybe i would be invisible. Turns out i was wrong.

I figured i needed to try to talk to Brian about whats been going on in my mind and how i feel. So we hopped in the car and i drove really far away in a direction we had yet to explore.

PS if i post on Facebook that I'm going MIA. It probably only means for the day no need to worry about me.

Ive made it cross country a few times solo and slept in my car most of the way to save $$$.

Trust me Road trips even if only for a few hours are usually the best therapy for me.

 I started Heading NW to a few towns i cant pronounce nor remember how to spell and over the mountains on a beautiful piece of wooded road with alot of motorcycles out for a ride. ( Oh did i mention life decided to make a motor cycle kick up rocks at my windshield and yup a NICE BIG CHIP. In my brand new windshield)  way to set the tone for the day. Just then  i looped back east and back through Portland and over to the gorge to take Brian over the Bridge of the Gods that takes us to Washington and is the one part of the PCT i know i can drive on here.

After a bit of sight seeing I sort of asked when a good time to discuss some things would be. He said UM, Now? I basically opened up and poured everything built up inside me out.

To say the least i gave him a few things he could start doing to make my life easier and not make me feel like i have to be super woman and save the world, as well as try to be there for everyone while I'm hurting inside and keep leaving myself for last.

He said he would try.

After arriving back at home i spent the rest of the night with my new best friend pictured below.

Yup Rubber duckie your the one.

After coming clean with Brian and the world that Ive been battling with depression alot of people contacted me saying they never knew. They had no clue, and then the questions of WHY?

Why? I wish i knew. I have some ideas but am not comfortable with going that deep into things right now here.

Just remember ............................

The next day after an interesting night to say the least Tiffany showed up at my door to go look at a few cars for herself off craigs list. In between looking at Cars that were not what they were posted as we stopped by a place to get my Chip in my windshield fixed before i have to buy another new windshield.  Turns out Insurance covers rock chip repairs.

This was interesting cause we were allowed to remain in the car while they did it.

Picture below is the guy working on my window.

The guys even brought us the strongest coffee ever while we watched the repair in the car.

Then we went off to wander the world. We discovered Easter was coming soon by seeing random eggs on the floor in a store. PS i was totally willing to follow that cotton tail to Easter (pictured above).

It was a fun day with Tiffany. We really are T&T Dynamite adventures. I will admit i cracked a few smiles that day. But when the day was done i was left with my own thoughts again.

I decided maybe making more paper cameras would make me feel better.

But when the camera was done i just wished i had another to keep my mind and hands busy.

So then i resorted to some sleepy time tea. (which may i say is so good)

While drinking my tea i realized maybe if i change the way i eat and live maybe i will feel better.

So sleepy time tea is now part of my life every night to help me wind down from the insanity of my day.

I decided to go spoil myself at the Lush store and Go organic in what i use on my body and face.

A bath bomb to relax away stress, Ocean salt face scrub that is also eatable.

The most amazing massage/Lotion bar called Wiccy. and an array of samples of shaving cream, hair product, a lotion to help my hands heal from the paper cuts and other hazards of working in the mail room, and many many more amazing products. And of course My best bud Rubber Duckie.

( i really need to name my duckie)

Any suggestions?

The next day i told Brian i was joining a GYM. I discovered a 24 hr fitness not far from my house with a Complete Gym, A Pool, Sauna, Steam Room, Jacuzzi, and free classes. All for a reasonable Price.

My selling point to Brian was if i go to the gym maybe i will eventually be able to keep up with him while hiking. Though i have no plans of hiking with him any time soon. (Sorry babe its just the truth, ask again in July when its warm in the mountains.)

I even started eating a little better. Sort of i guess you can say a bit more of an Organic diet. If i cant pronounce or have never heard of whats in it i am not going to eat it. And NO Fast food.

Though with the Maple Pecan Glory cereal I'm still trying to figure out where they are hiding the GLORY.

Ive been trying to do 4-5 days a week at the gym for 1-3 hours a day. Ive been taking 1-3 yoga classes a week, and plan on trying to make it to a zumba class in the near future.

I started setting up a Photography Facebook Page filled with my Pictures i took when i was working as a paid photographer.

I took it upon myself to begging messaging someone Ive never met before who i sort of look up to for some reason about life and such but, I sort of feel like a fool cause Ive been told i can be a bit intense in my words. Even more so to people who have never met me.

But wise words came back in form of a reply for a little while.  

I guess i was looking for an un bias opinion and felt i could best get that from someone i never met before, But knew wasn't a serial killer.

Considering when i speak to my family its always COME BACK TO NJ.....

Um NO, of course i know you all love me n want me closer to you but, I haven't been completely happy in NJ  longer than i can remember.

At the moment i felt like i had no one to turn to and the conversations made me smile and made me feel like someone may be able to give me an honest bit of advice. And to say the least this person's words sort of did motivate me, which lead to me deciding joining the gym was a good option to get me back to feeling like me and rebuilding my confidence, and reminding me to laugh and smile every day. This person also told me alot of inspirational things and alot of other wise words passed down to them by another wise person.

I'm beyond grateful for the few responses i got.

 But The messages have since stopped and its probably for the best. It helped put me on a better path. and i keep thinking messaging that person was maybe my way of trying to get over what people think of me.

 (all while looking for an honest advise from a complete stranger.)

 Maybe one day i could call this person a friend but don't worry I'M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH.

I have bigger things to worry about Like ME.

But let me tell you I'm good at making a fool of myself CAUSE . ..................

Same goes for typing sometimes. I need to learn to reread things before hitting send, especially when venting from the heart. I forget ive lived a pretty crazy life that is far more intense then some may want to hear about.

But I'm coming to the realization that's just me. Im Intense.

Ok so some of you may think Gym get your body back? Umm yeah Ive packed on a few more pounds than i am comfortable with. I was heavier while in NJ which made me very uncomfortable in my own skin and my whole wardrobe. But i lost some of that NJ weight while i was particpating in my friend Jenn's 30 day weight loss program. but even today i still have a few pounds and inches to go till i will be happy.

Brian tells me im perfect but i dont believe him.  

I would like to not have to hide when it comes to bathing suit season. I want to not be afraid of the camera this summer.

I want to be able to fit into alot of my old shirts and pants again too.

So here is a 3 way shot of me flaunting the belly.

NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!!! I'm just pudgy and for some reason i gain weight like my dad. Mainly in the belly. Its crazy i would have a small bit of an hour glass figure if it wasn't for the belly.  Maybe one day. But my legs have gained a little weight as has my butt. EEKKK  and this is the camera and lighting being nice to me.

I want to turn my body into muscle and happiness. I figure theres no better time than now cause as i get older its even harder to take off the weight.

I also decided I'm sort of over this being my every day off life. Sort of boring sitting around and wasting the day.

I also cant stand looking at these All Access Passes.

I feel like i SOLD MY SOUL TO ROCK AND ROLL.

And All I Got Was These Stupid Back Stage Passes.

I really wish i had the money to go back and finnish my degree in Design and photography.

Maybe make a better future for me doing what i set out many years to do.

So instead of dwelling on the past. Its time to start smiling, being goofy, and making myself laugh again.

And enjoying today and working towards a better future.

I'm good at being a goof ball. And considering I was raised by my mom pretty much as an only child, I remembered i used to be damn good at amusing myself.

I figured maybe venturing over to Tiffany's House warming party would do me some good too.

Brian went out with his friend and i headed over to Tiffany's over in the middle of no where with Saige.

Below is Before most of Tiffany's Guests arrived. We had Coffee Time and Story Time with Saige. Don't ask why we gathered on the carpet around Saige on the only chair in that room while Tiffany has a fully furnished living room one room over.

It was nice to see Val who is one of Tiffany's best friends and an to me an old pal who i worked with in So Cal. Turns out she now lives in Washington now and came down for the party too.

Above are some pictures of my favorite points of that night. Not in any specific order.

 #1 (Top picture) story time with Saige was awesome. (Saige is sort of rad if you didn't know)

#2 I felt like i looked good and was happy enough to be out and about.

#3 Meeting The one and only ROCKY was rad. He has an east coast i don't give a fuck attitude.

He's sort of awesome and he had me laughing all night. all i can say is meeting him was sort of EPIC.

#4 And of course Tiffany (Need I say more)

After Pizza, Coffee, and some good laughs we headed over to Tiffany's pool with some bloody beers.

We had a blast

I had a good time. Makes me wish times like that never had to end. But then i guess being stuck in a loop may not be as cool as I'm imagining.

OK Completely off Subject what is up with this Skrillex Music and 50 + yr old men blasting it at my job and out of their cars in traffic. I think dubstep i think tweens rocking out to it.

I saw this below picture and had to borrow it.

Listening to Skrillex makes me think Aliens are about to take over my Brain. But its so catchy.

And i will give it to Skrillex his videos for this insaine music are pretty cool.

But I'm thinking due to all the 50+ yr old people blasting Skrillex out of their car windows in traffic maybe it really is the aliens trying to communicate with us i mean i have seen this driving around Portland lately.

Or maybe these young people are just Keeping Portland Weird.

Work has been getting to me bad and i keep hoping a miracle happens and either they pay me more and give me more hours over there in the mail room to make it more worth my while to be there or theres always the option of DRINKING THE KOOL AID. LOL.

Bottle pictured below was found on one of the machines.

Work started getting to me so bad due to the fact that it slowly day by day seemed more and more like the company was about to go under. No one laughed or smiled and The owner turned off the boiler to save money. SO NO HEAT for the workers while its snowing outside, And even colder in the warehouse. The hours kept getting cut, And then the boss called us in for a meeting and explained he almost SOLD the company but saved our jobs for now. And Moving day for the company was coming soon. Boo......

I kept wishing i fit in this mail tray to hitch a free trip to LA. But I'm too big and i think i could only get my foot n part of my leg in there.

I started breaking out bad from the dirty environment i was working in my hands were rough like sand paper and looking like a girl wasn't even 1/2 an option when you have to wear 3 hoodies, snowboarding socks, 2 pairs of pants and gloves and 3 hoods to stay warm. This was not helping my depression. I began to feel ill. almost as if the flu was getting ready to kick my butt. So i called out. It was like a mixture of a sick day and a mental health day i took Then my boss called and said there was not enough work to have me come in the next day. It was like a miracle or maybe life just wanted to start being my friend again and maybe something better was in the works. I pretty much ended up having the whole week off. and began planning what i was going to get into for the weekend. I had recently told Brian he needed to make a friend who loved hiking as much as him. AND WHAM... ask and you shall receive. Turns out our neighbor a few doors down LOVES hiking. So Brian and our neighbor planned a trip to go to the mountains for Easter weekend and the neighbors wife who you'll never believe this (Is also named Tiffany) was going to drive them so i didn't have to.

So i Planned an EPIC night with my other friend Tiffany. (There are too many Tiffany's in Portland)

But back to an EPIC Night with Tiffany. We decided to have a veggie dinner.

Some Cheese n Jalapeno crackers and DYE Easter Eggs.

I boiled the eggs got the dye ready and to my surprise turns out I of all people don't own crayons.

So Sharpie and Expensive Prismacolor Markers it was to draw on the eggs.

Upon looking for crayons I found a Bunny Ear headband and some fake mustaches.

So of course we had to wear them while dyeing zombie and crazy character eggs.

Below are some of the eggs we created. Tiffany's eggs were the best. I love her I WIN Egg.

Just before Midnight when it turned Official Easter we decided to head down to Devils Point this awesome bar with performers down the road from my apartment to see IVIZIA and have a drink.

IVIZIA has a Jesus puppet and preforms with Jesus to the song Jesus Christ Super Star. It is the funniest, most amazing thing ever. (YES I KNOW IM GOING TO HELL)

But Since My step father used to play Jesus Christ Super Star ever Easter and it became a tradition I had to hear it this year too.

I tried finding a Chocolate Jesus to bring to IVIZIA figuring it would be the best gift to add to her Jesus collection Ive heard so much about. But Portland only has Praying Jesus Hands that said hear my Prayers.

Of Course why would they sell religious chocolate for a religious holiday. Its all about the Easter bunny Right?????

Upon arriving to Devils Point We were still in fake mustaches and i was still in bunny ears. IVIZIA came up to say hi and i asked her (considering Easter is when Jesus came back from the dead) If Jesus was going to rise and take the stage since it was Easter and all. She said give her a few Min's to get Jesus ready.

Tiffany and i Came up with something cleaver yet a little dirty to write on the back of the chocolate.

And yes i believe god will forgive me.

Below are pictures of the chocolate we gave to Jesus and the little note.

And Considering words don't quite explain IVIZIA's Jesus performance I asked her permission to Use a picture or two. Her I LOVE JESUS Shirt and FUCK YOU SATAN UNDIES not pictured here are pretty epic too. Thank you IVIZIA for letting me me borrow the following pictures. 

(GRANDPA SKIP OVER THIS PART)  

For her second 1/2 of the performance she did a fire performance.

She is my favorite performer ever.

Yes that is her pictured below dancing with fire.

If you ever find yourself in Portland on a Saturday night you have to stop by Devils Point and check out her performance. I Promise you wont regret it.

ONLY IN ............................

After a drink or two Tiffany and i returned back to my place to enjoy Easter cake. YUMMMM

Next morning i was woken by my brand new next door neighbors blasting dub step through the wall at the ass crack of dawn.  Damn Alien music. Then a phone call and invite to join my other neighbor Tiffany on the drive out to pick up the boys in the woods. After picking the boys up at the falls we headed over to a winery, retreat place Called McMenamins Edgefield for breakfast. It was a pretty place. Breakfast was a little pricey but it was cool to learn of a new place. Mom and Stan would love this place. It has a Grateful Dead theme to sections of it. And you can watch people blow glass and of what i hear they have concerts there in the summer too.  

We ate then headed home so Brian could make it to work on time.

After he left for work i decided to clean the house dressed up like an Easter Bunny Bandit.

With my music on and the windows open.

No I did not care what anyone thought of me at that moment.

Just like i didn't care what my neighbors in California thought when i was outside my apartment in a full hazmat suit and a Iraqi gas mask on while exterminating Black Widows.

And i used to go to LAX to pick friends up dressed in a giant yellow chicken outfit.

At those moments all of my insecurities of what other people thought of me went out and the window.

And the below statement stood true.

Too bad i cant feel like that in every day life. Maybe one day again i will be able to live with that mind set to stand true everyday.

Upon returning to work the Monday after Easter i found out it was a few days till we were going to the new building. I took my 1st break and checked my email and to my surprise a job i applied to go back to me.

I had applied for a job on craigslist that i was not qualified for it was **EXPERIENCED Car Wrap Installer.

Well my theory was how hard can it be. But according to the guy who responded to me he said due to my back ground he wanted to hire me for sales and marketing. He wanted me to start the following day. It was OK pay not the best but then again i had no experience in this type of sales so i guess ill take what i can get and give something new a try and maybe it will brighten my life up a little with the change of scenery and job. So I notified my manager that it was my last day and she said ok good luck in your next endeavor.

Next morning I woke and got ready and made myself look a bit more like a girl then usual and off i went.

Upon getting to work I was shown where the MAC Computer was and My big Desk. Then i was given a few books to read and told if i have a meeting or need to go out for the job that i can use the wrapped VW Bug.

Purple cow is about standing out in a crowd and being unique and original and unforgettable.

If my boss only knew how much of a purple cow i could be without reading the book he may be shocked. 

They broke the mold after i was made. 

The new job is OK. I still am not sure what i was thinking when i said i would do sales and i also don't know what made me think i would be good at it but here we go. I'm going to give it my all. 

Yes I'm the kid who should have been taught NOT to talk to strangers. Yes i put my all into everything i believe in. But once again my artistic side is on hold and with sales i guess you sell your soul for a penny hoping to get a sale in return and get some commission. I'm sure ill figure it out soon. I just hate this cold call scripted stuff Send me into the world and let me meet people. Let me be me. Trust me they don't want to hear my speech you scripted. Once again Wish me luck in this endeavor. The only thing this job has that's cool is the sky is the limit on what they could turn your car into and they do look pretty cool when they are done. 

I survived my 1st week and haven't gotten a sale yet but learned a thing or two. 

If you want to check out the website of where i work

 CLICK HERE TO BE REDIRECTED TO CORTEZ VIZ WEBSITE  

With me working this new job brian had to step up and start actually riding his bike to work considering we only now see each other a day and a 1/2 a week. and once in a blue moon in passing when im wking and he is going to bed. Though i hear that may change next month with the new schedule they are putting him on.

I hear with this new schedule maybe we will be able to atleast sleep next to each other during the week.

Brian came home with some really  great news on friday. Turns out he completed his 2nd 90 day review and scored pretty well on it and was given another very generous raise. And he was notified that our health Insurance will become effective as of the first of May. Im very thankful that he has been trying so hard at his job and doing a great job of exceeding everyone including his own expectations.  

After a long week at work  and all kinds of exciting news,We finally reach Saturday.

Brian Signed up to donate this Saturday to a good cause.

He signed up with his Job to participate in the Portland MS Walk 2012.

He walked 2179 miles from georgia to Maine on the AT which only took 5 months and 10 days so he figured why not put on the walking shoes for 3.5 miles and an hour or two for a good cause.

He has been working really hard with fundraising for the Portland MS Walk 2012.

Brian was the top fundraiser in his group and he couldn't have done it with out all of you who were so kind to donate.

A Huge thank you to each and every one of you it means alot to us.

We arrived at the walk early to make sure he was registered and got his Dave's Killer Bread Shirt and met with the rest of his coworkers who were walking on the DKB team.

Here he is in the back with one of the owners and rest of his coworkers from various departments and shifts as well as some of their family members.

No Dave wasnt there he was in Idaho on business.

I decided to walk with Brian and his coworkers. I walked for my friend Kim who i grew up with who now has MS. Brian was walking for his friend from Roselle with MS.

It was a beautiful day for the walk and the sun graced us for most of the day.

The route the walk took us was along the waterfront and across 2 of the bridges. It was really cool to get to walk these routes we didn't know about.

The turn out for the walk was amazing. As we walked on the other side of the water close to the front of the crowd we were able to see the whole other side of the waterfront filled with a line of people following us. It was a 3.5 mile walk and there were cheer leaders along the way cheering us on for walking.

People walked with their children and their dogs. Some even dressed their pups up like this adorable Bulldog.

After the walk we went to The Saturday Market for the first time ever and got Food with his company and hung out in the sunshine.

With all the clouds here i almost forgot I'm allergic to the sun till i acquire a base tan. This is why i need 365 days of sunshine in my life.

Upon arriving home i was red and had sun bumps that itched. I decided to take a nap. I woke to the weirdest dream ever. I wonder what is going on in my sub concious that brought on that crazy dream.

We ate dinner and got ready to go check out our friends band ALABAMA BLACK SNAKE at PLAN B.

It was the first night they were playing a show with their new drummer.

I took the following picture in the rest room. I liked the sticker covered mirror frame. 

My legs hurt from being in heels all last night. Its been a while since Ive worn them.

BUT its been a few weeks into me going to the gym and i am already seeing slight changes in my body.

I'm still not where i want to be but i guess its baby steps with this stuff. And no i am not sucking my belly in.

But yes the lighting is being nice to me in this picture.  

I figured since it was so nice out but my body was aching, why not open up the windows including the one in the shower, Fill up the tub, Drop in a geofizz bath bomb, and grab my rubber duckie and take a nice soak to soothe the muscles while enjoying the breeze and smell of flowers coming through the windows.

I just have to remember. To try to stay happy, think positive, stay strong

And continue to.........................

For now its bed time

And i wish i could have gotten into a few other things that have been on my mind but with so many interesting and amazing things happening in the past few weeks i had to focus on my mix mosh that i call my new update. 

I'm going to try to update again in a week so my posts will be more like a chapter instead of a whole novel and more in depth on one subject instead of jumping around.

Till next time thank you for taking the time to read this long long post.

Im off to have sleepy time tea and try to hope for good things to strat happening.  

Battleing Demons and Looking for Hope.

Well hello we meet again. The past few weeks have been rough on me mentally and physically. 

Work is kicking my butt .

and Ive been doing alot of thinking. 

Or i guess you could call it soul searching.  

People have been popping up from the past and are now finding me Via social media sites.

Most of them are people i know from my days in LA, Or that i met on tour that are from the music industry or photographers based out of LA.

All of these Blasts from the past started to get my mind going.

I look at their pictures and hear that they are still working in the industry and living the rock and roll dream.

Then i start to wonder where did i go wrong that i went from living the dream of getting paid to use my passion of photography to support myself to ummm Working in a mail house with institution grey walls.

Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for my job and couldn't get by without it and what little hours i can pick up.

But how did i go from making a few hundred a day for taking pictures and working with amazing bands at fun venues to now making $9 ph for sorting mail.

I think i made the wrong choice out of the 3 jobs i was offered.

But i guess Live and learn.

And I am guilty of having a few too.  

I was given freedoms other kids weren't given. And was told To be a free spirit but there were certain things certain people couldn't know about.

You know dirty little secrets.

Ive held my silence to appear as Um good as i could seem and recently alot of those things i silenced are eating me up.

I loved who i was i was free i danced to a tune of a different drummer.

I wasn't the best at academics and on alot of my weekends in my teen years i disappeared off to a world that began shaping me into that crazy fun free spirit i became.

I was a bit socially awkward but for some reason the people i met in this scene called me friend.

I felt like for once i belonged. I learned about different types of music learned about different forms of art and began to travel to unique places. I fell in love with abandoned buildings. And was known as the girl who always had a camera in her hand.

I made my own clothes and fell in love with Life.

One day i was sitting around Looking through boxes of pictures and was trying to figure out what i wanted to go to college for.

Just then it dawned on me. Maybe i can turn my passion of photography into a career. So i signed up for community college.

I WAS GOING TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND THAT WAS THAT!

I sort of wish i put more into my college education but i was too busy working at a Bar and in my spare time enjoying electronic music, The NYC Punk and hardcore scene and going to concert venues walking up to rock band tour buses introducing myself and asking for photo passes to build my portfolio. I promised free prints since i was developing and printing myself. and explained i was up for hire.

I got a break and Had my college professor convince my mom it was best for me to drop out of college and take a chance on the road as a traveling tour photographer.

From there the adventures began and i got to live like a rock star and party like one too.

Grandma I'm not talking about drugs. But Truth the booze was never ending.

It was like i was in the band and my instrument was my camera.

From traveling on the road i ended up in LA and soon after moved there. The world was mine for the taking.

My first night out in LA was one you only see in movies.

Night starts out chilling with a band i had met on the road at a DVD premiere, Meeting a random amazing 20 yr old journalist from LA. to cutting the line and getting comped at the viper room with the night ending with a VIP party on the roof of the Hollywood Hyatt.

The next week I had my first photo shoot cause my new journalist friend faked a wrist injury so i could cover for her as the gig photographer.

This lead to my first Photo credit in a magazine.

I managed to get myself gigs photographing Huge National Bands and Published in National Magazines. 

All my dreams were coming true. a few years later i started modeling for an alt pin up site.  I figured why not be on both ends of the camera.

 LIFE WAS GOOD. 

Fast forward a few years

Technology started shifting and i started noticing people with camera phones and point and shoot cameras in the press area stage front of big concerts. This started to bother me.At the same time i began meeting Big name photographers who's work made me look like an amateur. They had amazing expensive gear and great computers and programs for editing and made me feel and look like an amateur. I started losing hope and getting down on myself that i wasn't as good as them and i felt like a tool for not paying more attention in my studio lighting courses. I knew how to work my camera but didn't know proper terms others used. My pay for Live Concert photos started to decrease cause the magazines were getting more submissions from kids with point n shoot cameras that would work for free.

Working at Bars was starting to get to me and i saw my tips decrese . I knew i didnt belong there and could do better and it showed while i was there.  

My depression started to kick my butt. and to make it worse i was in an emotionally draining relationship with a musician who was draining my bank account. 

   I went into self destruction mode. gave up my apartment put my life in storage hoping to forget about it and began couch surfing and living up the late night Hollywood life style. I spent alot of time with my dear friend Jack Daniels at the Viper room in the Dirty Lounge as well as at many other bars and have stories that would make you think i was pulling them out of a Hunter S Thompson Book.

I GAVE UP.

But was having fun on my way down.

Just then I went home for Christmas and was reunited with an old friend who some how i fell for and he felt the same. We never actually dated but This friend is now my husband after a pit stop in Vegas in route of escaping LA. He sort of saved me by kidnapping me back east and showing me a simpler side of life again. You know being close to family again and all that jazz.

Upon arriving back to NJ i was over the music industry and retired my cameras to their bags to colect dust.

I stopped drinking Completely for a bit to regain myself and can now socially  just enjoy one or two drinks and still function.

Now back to present day

I am starting to feel like the sign below.

I know who i once was and what i wanted to be. But upon going back to NJ i became a house wife and helped my husband take care of his sick grandparents and took out all my piercings and died my hair a normal color. I started to live the life and tried to be the person my mom and my family always wanted me to be. I stopped working at bars. I gave up on art and sort of settled for a retail management job at a skate shop, then a mailroom temp position at a Proxy company.

You know got a job where they take taxes social security out of your check and do what society thinks is the right way to live.

And hope to one day have health Insurance again.

Don't get me wrong my family also supported my decision as an artist but also saw me struggle and figured something more grounded may be what the doctor ordered.

Then i reunited with a friend who asked me to join his wedding photography team shooting. I gladly accepted and loved having a camera in hand again. But then work got slow and you can look back to my first blog posts and get the jest that we felt it was time to leave NJ to find better opportunities and a brighter future.

It hasn't been an easy journey Thus far. Though i guess i never really expected it to be. 

If life was easy all the time what would be the point of waking up every day?

I have been getting alot of concerned people messaging me asking why i put up with so much.

Why do i put myself in these situations?

Some of you reading this Have known me for years, Some have known me for a few months and others may have never met me.

Some of you know me as Jersey, Angel, Tiffany Harned, Tiffany Chilson, and a few other nicknames from the past depending on where, when n how we met. .

let me tell you,

And one day when i feel up to it i will share more of my story with you.

My story starts in 1981 and one day will be written into a book.

Mark my words

BUT

THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING AND THE END HAS YET TO BE WRITTEN.

I refuse to hide who i was and who i am. I want the world to see me for me.

Good , Bad, and Ugly.

Even if it will make some people cry to know the truth.

I truly believe

I look through old pictures and miss the person i see in them. The old me.

Yes the next 4 pictures are old ones i found of me.

NYC 2002

Hell City Ohio 2006

Long Beach California with Riley 2005

I lived right across the street from where that pic was taken for a little while

Me with my 1st camera in 1984

                                             

And me on stage In San Deigo photographing a Show 2006

And i couldnt resist adding a 5th. This picture was taken by a dear friend in LA.

Grayson.

I love how he made me look so strong and determined at one of my weakest times so far.

He captured me how i wished he would see me.

Hes one of the few people who never lost faith in me.

even at my lowest moments.

I am forever grateful.

And he always told me I didnt belong working in bars and he had faith one day i would wake up and everything would work its self out to what it was ment to be.

And he even tried getting a camera back in my hand many times.

People say you change as you grow up and your experiences mold you into who you are today.

OK well my only question is when did i stop being fun and creative and get OLD and GRUMPY.

I'm not talking about going out and boozing it up with friends or even living up the night life.

I'm talking about Laughing on a daily basis to the point my stomach hurts. Spending my time Creating Unique obscure works of art and Going to shows and enjoying live music and using my camera.

And exploring the world solo when bored and no one is around.

Sometimes i feel like I'm a bitch to my Husband. I have to give him credit for working his butt off and carrying both our weight financially since arriving in Portland and putting up with me laying on the couch in a deep state of depression and totally being the fun police for the past few weeks. .

Ive been feeling so lost, Forgotten, and Hopeless. I feel i do too much for everyone else and always forget me. Ive often considered self destructing again but something inside stops me and tells me something good will happen soon and will be worth the wait.  

I swear this Banksy Piece below explains what i thought was to come in this story.  

Between The Dreadful Days at work questioning my future and the repetition of the jobs we have been getting mixed in with the lack of hours offered. 

I seem to function best on a full cut throat schedule that constantly has me on the move.

I miss putting in hours of work being super productive. I have issues standing still.

My mind cant handle it. My life used to be go go go and i was lucky to have a moment to sit let along sleep.

Its nice to think I'm a working class hero keeping the mail industry alive and then i realize oh wait This is all junk mail I'm stuffing into envelopes. 

I HATE JUNK MAIL!!!

 But i keep telling myself

ITS A JOB and i should be grateful this company gave me a shot now to just keep proving i can do the job and pay my bills and try to save a few dollars to get ahead.

With working in Bars and devoting my life to Photography and the music industry for 12 years its not like i have much work experience in the "real world" to put on paper.

I understand its a JOB not get paid to have fun time.

But one can dream that one day i will be truly happy with my profession again.

Below is a pic of me on my way home from work. N yes that is exactly what i look like at work.

Our warehouse doesnt have heat so 3 hoodies is required to stay warm when not being kept super busy.

Look ma no make up.

To make my depression sink a little deeper I discovered our $1200 mattress was molding again.

Yes again. Its the bottom of the mattress and the top of the box spring.

I don't know why but this cant be good, Maybe these excess humidity in my apartment n my bed is a sponge? Clueless but this makes me stress more about our financial situation.

Cause this mattress is only a few months old and the selling point of it was it wont mold.

well guess what sales guy you lie.

This time i decided since the guy at the store we bought it from in livermore California never got back to us and told me there was direct # to the maker of the mattress i decided to do a little research for myself and found the direct number to the owner of easy rest INC. I told him whats going on and he told me good thing we moved to Portland cause that's where hes based out of and told me to bring down the mattress and he would give me a brand new one free. Below is a picture of our new mattress rolled up like a burritos.

Due to the mold we had to dispose of our box spring and take the loss on that and decided we didn't want to spend the money on a new one just yet. So Brian built us an amazing Platform to go on out bed frame to hold up the mattress.

Even tho Ive been in a rotten mood My girl Tiffany rented a car and came and kidnapped me for an evening and taught me how to make veggie sushi.

Good food and good company killed the pain for a little

I appreciate her effort in cheering me up and taking me out for a bit.

But upon arriving home i went back into hermit mode and decided i didn't want to be bothered by the world.

Nothing my friends did nor anything they can fix its just my general state of mind at that moment.

I resorted to sleeping most of the day when not at work.

I spent alot of time trying to decide what i wanted to be when i grew up.

Im 30 im not getting any younger.

What was next?

How did i end up at this moment in time in this mood with these doubts?

And all my family has to suggest is "Why dont you just come back to NJ"

Um ive spent my whole life trying to escape that cancer factory of No hope for a future.

I will never go back.

A week later i received a message that an old friend from LA was going to be in Portland with his band and they were playing a show at a local venue here.

I had never heard of his new band but knew it would be nice to see a familiar face from a different time. 

I got dressed and put on the best smile i could conjure up. and below is the result.

I even decided to take off my saint Anthony charm and replace it with the New Jersey Charm my little brother gave me that i always wore when i lived in LA.

Why does NJ look like a backwards alot smaller California on the map?

I arrived at the same time as my friend. We chatted for a few and then he had to go set up for the show. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and struck up a conversation with a stranger which was full of useful facts and opportunities for me to look into here in PDX.

I could hear the opening band playing but wasn't impressed enough to head in to watch.

Just then there was a break in the music.

My friends band was up next.

I went and took a seat at the bar next to a nice man and ordered a beer.

Warner Drive took the stage and i didn't know what to expect but Within the first minute of their performance I was blown away. The singer had a great sense of humor and a voice that just caught your attention, and his lyrics were clear and hit close to home.  The whole band had an infectious stage presence that rocked my world. Jonny U Killed it on Drums and There was even a highly attractive woman named Candice on GUITAR who was both witty and rocked  some amazing riffs. Yes you read that right she was on guitar not bass. I admire her. The Music and Lyrics were catchy and just brought a smile to your face. The crowd there to see them were having fun and you could feel that. The people around me were very social and just wanted  everyone to enjoy the show. It was a vibe i had not felt in forever. It reminded me of a CKY/ Bullets and Octaine concert vibe only with 21 and up adults and alot more of a sense of humor and more mature kick ass songs. It sort of made me feel welcome , at ease, and sort of at home for a moment. It sort of reminded me of fun times i had been missing in Hollywood. If you have never heard of the band Warner Drive go check them out. They need to become huge. Once you hear their music you will understand why. You can find their videos on YouTube and You can find them on Facebook. Go click like.

This song below got stuck in my head and got me thinking in a little more of a happier mind set.

Click The image below with the radio on it and enjoy Warner Drive's Song Metal Bridge.

I dont know who the you tube video belongs to but i swear im just borrowing it.

After the show My friend gave me their sample CD to enjoy and told me if i like it i can find 2 of their full albums on Itunes. And I loved the sample CD so much that I bought both of their full length CD's off Itunes with a small piece of my 1st pay check.

I must say my favorite songs so far are Faking Smiles and Metal Bridge.

But Their song The Shocker makes me giggle too.

I cant thank Jonny U enough for being in town and letting Know me they were playing that night.

It was funny at the end of the night when he gave me a hug good bye he called me Jersey a name i have not been called since i left LA 3 years ago. He quickly corrected himself and called me tiffany and i told him its ok he can call me Jersey. Thats who i was and what i was known as n there is still a bit of her left in me its just a matter of finding her again.

I wish Brian didn't have work that night cause he would have enjoyed the show. But at the same time i may have needed a night out all by myself. Its been ages since Ive gone out solo. I used to be notorious for going everywhere alone.

For christ sake im the girl who got bored one day and decided to just drive east from cali to NJ just to see what random back road routes i could find to get me there and to discover what was out thereand back

The good old days just me and my camera on the open road. .

I used to be much muchier.

Random alice in wonderland quote.

The next night i enjoyed a quite night with Brian sharing stories and songs from the night before.

We laughed and sang out loud. We looked through the Local Mercury Magazine that posts all the upcoming concerts in Portland. I said to Brian Ah look Flogging Molly is playing here soon. I told him they were so much fun to photograph in LA. Then followed that with AH the good old days.

We enjoyed a nice Pho dinner together and i got a fortune cookie at the end of my meal. I opened it read it and thought to myself why should i wake early? Nothing interesting is gonna happen tomorrow. Stupid Fortune cookie. Below is my Fortune

To my Surprise I woke earlier than usual that day and received an email from a Person i had met a few times out here in Portland. In passing i had mentioned i was a photographer and loved taking pics of bands but had not done anything like that in 3 or so years.

The email was asking if i would be interested in Photographing Flogging Molly. I thought to myself wasn't i just day dreaming and mentioning i wished i could do this the night before. I asked for more details and found out i would be working with a writer and the article would be published online.

I almost fell over with excitement.

I was supposed to pick a friend up at the airport later that night but I cant pass up this opportunity to see if i still have what it takes to do this. and possibly start shooting again.

I figured this friend would understand knowing the state of mind Ive been in and how i missed having a camera in hand and doing what i love.

So I said Yes!!!!

Maybe I'm a bad friend for not picking my friend up but i didn't know if this would be my last chance to do something like this.

With that i dug my cameras out of the closet cleaned the lens', cleaned the filters, and made sure i had everything i would need.

Then i charged my batteries, and cleared my memory cards.

Showered and hit the road with excitement rocking out to my new favorite tunes just purchased off ITUNES

I arrived at the Venue and met the writer Who's name was Rob.

He gave me my Photo pass Pictured below.

I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face.

As excited as i was there was a bit of fear lingering with in me too.

Thoughts of do i remember my camera settings? do i have the right len's? Am i going to be able to capture what i need with in the first three songs with NO FLASH?

I was nervous so i started to test a few Frames on the crowd.

It felt good to be on this side of the barricade again with my trusty camera in hand.

The lights dimmed and the intro music kicked on and the butterflies in my belly began to flutter. The band entered the stage and the lights kicked up and the crowd went wild. Flogging Molly is a great band with tons of good times songs. As they started their set i began framing my shots and shooting away.

My three Songs of front row shooting were over before i knew it. So i headed up to the balcony to enjoy the show away from the main floor to make sure  my camera gear stayed in tact.

I danced and sang and snapped a few photos from up high.

I felt good about life again.

It felt good to be me again.

At the end of the show Rob the writer asked if i could do a 5 hour turn around to meet my deadline so the article could get posted ASAP. I informed him i had work at 5am but i would go home right then and do my small amount of editing such as adding my name to the photo and adjusting light values and would get them to him ASAP.

Well my laptop is so old that it doesn't support editing programs and large files. So i came home and deleted almost every program on my laptop that wasn't must to make the computer run.

I uploaded the pictures and downloaded my editing program and got to work. I fell asleep with the laptop just after hitting send on the final images. Brian woke me and laughed that i was cute passed out hard at work editing.

For a minute i was up in the air on which name i wanted these photos published under.

I'm already known as a published photographer by the name of Tiffany Harned

But do i want to start over as an unknown name now that I'm Married to Brian and am legally known as Tiffany Chilson.

Or do i hyphenate?

It was a bit of a battle in my mind. As much as i would like to continue my career under my maiden name i decided this publication would be published under my married name cause it is a new start and wanted to have a publication with just my married last name out of respect to my husband who has been working his butt off to provide the best life he could offer me right now. He has given up so much and grown up so much since we moved.

My theory is if i ever get the chance for a big publication again i will hyphenate but for now local stuff here in PDX i will just use my married name for the time being.

To Check out the article and My Pictures.

CLICK HERE TO SEE MY PICTURES OF FLOGGING MOLLY

My mind set has been on a little more on the positive side since shooting this show.

I realize that there may still be hope for me. and i have to be strong and roll with the hand life deals me

and just try to make the best of the moment.

I now believe that i still have what it takes.

And I believe i am a good photographer.

I have to remember That even tho i don't have the newest camera gear nor do i have the nicest computer and programs to edit.

And I Can do it.

PS this picture below is a prime example of someone in the crowd with an Iphone who was taking pictures from their seat. This person approached me asking why i had two cameras and asked how do they get a photo pass. then proceeded to show me their IPHONE telling me they are a photographer too and the Iphone was their camera they showed me their shots just taken with the phone. I smiled and put on a fake smile and told her Don't ever give up on your dreams. But deep inside it irked me that a cell phone could capture perfect light balance with the push of the button mean while i have to tell my camera what i want it to do with the F stop and Shutter speed and make sure i have the right lens for the job. But the times are changing and i just have to accept that and strive to do my best to keep my images crisp and fresh and let my work speak loud for its self and see what comes next.

I'm still unsure of whats next but I'm hoping its more Photo shoots, More Photo Credits, And maybe even enough pay from doing it that i can call it a career again. 

For now its MY PASSION emerging from the black swap and I'm ready to embrace that.  

I still don't know why. But I'm on an active mission to figure it out.

If you don't hear from me as often as usual, or don't see me as much its because i am focusing my energy on Number 1 Myself. And trying to figure things out. I have a bad habit of putting everyone else in life before myself and this has to stop. Its my time to be selfish. Its about time i do me.

 I had a chat with Brian and he stands by me with this decision. He knows i devote too much energy to trying to make the world including him happy and i leave me for last. He told me he is going to try to help out as much as possible to make it easier on me.

He hasn't seen me as beat i was when i got home from work on Monday after photographing the show Sunday night then staying up till 2:30am editing and then waking for an 8 hr shift of work at 5am. 

The picture below was taken after all of that.  

I went home that night and passed out and slept till the next day when i had to go to work.

I woke in a super happy positive mind frame that i was going to take over the world.

and on my way to work life struck again.

More like while i was at a complete stop waiting in traffic i got hit by a SUV from behind.

GGGRRR DAMN.

I am OK and my rear bumper is just slightly shifted and dented.

The woman basically said she didn't mean to do it and said she was late to work just as i threw on my hazards, just then traffic started moving again and she handed me her actual Insurance card and pulled away. 

Wow.

I am now dealing with her insurance company and learning interesting things about how the state of Oregon handles things like this. 

 But

Right now I think This accident was just life's way of saying um don't go getting too excited

This journey isn't going to be that easy.

There are many more curve balls coming your way so try to be alert and watch out for them.

There is still a long hard road ahead of me and Ive made it this far.

Whats a few more million miles, I'm just hoping i find a nice long fresh paved road in life to cruise on for a just little while.

I CAN DO THIS.

                    And yes i took the above picture driving down I-80 West Bound a few Years Ago. No editing needed for that picture. It was taken while driving.

I would like to thank you for reading my extremely Long Post this week.

And thank you for following.

Please feel free to share the link to my blog with anyone you know who may enjoy it.

I hope you enjoyed

Till next time Ill be trying to keep my head up and focusing on finding myself again.

Day dreaming of Things on my AMAZON.COM wishlist  that i will one day be able to afford, and trying to find motivation and inspiration to start on some long over due art projects.

and day dreaming of Vintage Cameras.  

Oh and before i end this. I know i have been posting alot in My Blog about my friends Danielle and Shawn who are expecting a baby girl very very soon. Good news She is expected to deliver any hour now. So with their permission i will try to post some pictures in my next blog of their beautiful bundle of joy. 

I'm so excited to meet Raven their daughter and am praying for a safe and fast delivery of a beautiful healthy baby girl. 

I cant wait to be an aunt.

Till next time.   

To see some more of my old photo publications

Click Here for Scanned Articles

or

Click Here for the Second set of scanned Publications

Sincerely