The Butterfly Emerging……...

Hello again, 

Its been a minute or maybe a year.

how have i been ? where did i go?

so much has happened as some of you know. 

where to begin? i don't even know. 

Its been a long hard road, Trust me so. 

lets take a trip back a lil in time. then ill bring you up to date with a lil reason and ill stop with the riddles and rhymes………..

I find it so comical that lately i have been feeling alive and free yet everyone is contacting me saying they are worried about me

(NOW IS THE TIME YOU DECIDE TO WORRY?) I can't help but laugh.

I feel like a butterfly emerging from its cacoon, ready to spread my wings and fly free again. 

The past year has been very rough on me for many reasons. 

I feel like i was trapped in a cage, had my spirit & wings broken, my mind tangled into a knot, and then recently 

some how, broke free to be reborn to see things more clearly, and finally begin to understand ME…..

Im starting to think that life is a little like the movie ground hog day just not as obvious. 

i notice my life travels in loops and if i continue to make the same mistakes I'm destined to live the horrors of the past only worse and worse with each attempt. Like in the movie i tend to self destruct to start over, in a way just not as drastic. 

i now see that and hope that i can avoid the same mistakes this loop around. 

I remember once upon a time there lived this little gypsy soul so wild n free

full of love, wonder, and beauty.  she lived by her own rules, followed her dreams.

Had this amazing attitude of NO ONE CAN STOP ME. 

A little reckless at times. 

but thats just my honesty. 

That little girl once upon a time was me. 

I look back on my past n tho a lot of my time was a blast, Not all moments were so fun and free. 

I went off the deep ended and in a sense lost myself for a little bit of time. 

I gave up on my passions and dreams, 

Tried to conform to what i thought i was souposed to be. 

I started to believe that 1/2 of what i was doing was wrong cause thats what they told me. 

I turned into just another in this big flock of sheep. 

I was knocked down, torn apart, and left with not much more than a broken heart. 

To be 100% honest i was left scared to death of the world and the people in it. 

Who can i trust? what should i believe? Holy shit I was left nothing more then a shell of who i used to be. 

There is nothing worse than hearing all 130 lbs of your 32yr old self is FAT, OLD, UGLY, WASHED UP, AND EVEN WORSE. 

Constantly being told "Little Tiffany Running AWAY". (so what if i run away) 

Sometimes i need to take a step back from events and people to re evaluate things. 

I just tend to take a few more steps farther than most people.

Like I leave the state or sometimes the country. 

I never wanted someone who would say "DONT GO" 

All i ever wanted was someone to say "I'M COMING WITH YOU"

to my usual "I'LL BE BACK SOON, I'M RUNNING AWAY"

or better yet could have just showed me why i should have stayed. 

Cause the way things were i was being pushed far far away. 

In my broken n defeated state i found true love in the strangest of places. 

A Snow covered winter park. 

And a little paw reached out and grabbed me and stole my heart away.

I took her home and after a few days. I named her Winter…..

After a Tori amos song. if you read or listen to the lyrics of that song her name is beyond fitting, 

Here take a listen…….

She slowly started to teach me what true unconditional love really is and what it should feel like. 

Call me the crazy cat lady all you want but she did more for me and my depression than any pill could do. 

She started to unknowingly teach me to love myself again, 

And I started to want to fall in love with myself again. I wanted to love myself as much as she loved me. 

I brought her almost every where with me night and day. 

I didn't want to leave her side. she was my little lost baby. 

and the crazy part about the day she came into my life….. 

it was one year to the day of me losing my baby. 

(Lets not dwell on that tho, Im going to try to try and keep this going on a little more on a positive note)

Winter has truly been a blessing to me tho. 

She is mommy's little monster,  the perfect match for me its sort of scary. 

Do you believe in Fate?

I do and i believe she was created just for me. 

A super photogenic cat, with a personality to fit, and a love for travel, and very protective of me. 

She is my living angel. So tiny and sweet. 

And she helps ease the pain. when she's not biting my feet. 

She is now almost a year old and has traveled with me around most of the country and even walks on a leash. 

I even took her to canada with me a month ago.

YUP AS I SAID GO AHEAD CALL ME THE CRAZY CAT LADY……….

In the past few months You can say that I've been single, But i prefer to think 

Im in a relationship with Adventure and FUN !!!!

Cause as we all know I have a little Gypsy in me. 

I realize i don't need a relationship to make myself whole. 

Im fine being independent and free and being madly love with me. 

FINALLY!!!!!

Its weird to think I just turned  33. 

Damn I'm getting old. 

Yet, Im just now starting to figure out who i am.

the other day i had a moment of an epiphany 

I woke up feeling inspired to try my hand again at Photography. 

Only to discover My Digital camera no longer works. 

I jumped in my car and drove to the store.

And did something so out of context for me

I dropped a ton of money that i had been saving on a new Camera 

To try and give it another go at my dreams.

And believe it or not I have not put it down since. 

Its sort of like the Old me. 

So with that me and my IPhone camera broke up and my new canon and i were inseparable 

Inspired to create i began to make peace with the demons that had inhabited my head.

My intense vivid colorful dreams NOW being turned into images for the world to see.

After buying the camera 

I had been inspired by my Mentor returning an old bag of shoes i had given him back in 2008 

which rattled something in my mind to start working on a unique series, Take a walk in my shoes. 

 And let me tell you my shoes have been many places. 

Here are a few sample images of the beginning of that series.

Its strange how with my creativety  being reawakened I shoot and shoot 

and as the days go by i look back on old images and aren't as pleased with the as i was in the beginning

I can see my skills improving right before my eyes. 

And have learned to take constructive critizem a little better. 

My only problem that stands now in this learning process is…
 I know how to do self portraits of me ...

Where do i find a model and how rusty would i be working with another person? 

With that a put out an SOS and got an amazing response. 

So i chose one friend to begin the learning process with. 

And the images came out beautifully. 

Here are a few samples of what i captured that day

So now i sit here with a camera in my hand, new images on my computer, a fire burning in my soul, new knowledge in my head ,

And i ask myself where do i go from here……

start with a little clowning around?

I look back and remember how hard it was to get my feet off the ground with photography back in the day. 

To think i am back to square one again and trying to figure out how to do it all over again. 

STEP 1 … NAIL MY BOOTS TO THE KITCHEN FLOOR ….

You ask WHY?!?!?!?!

Well I realize I'm not getting any younger, and maybe its time to find myself a home base.

Im starting to think NJ will actually be that home base.

sometimes the greatest inspiration comes from a place you are very fimilar with.

And maybe its time i get over my fear of NJ. 

STEP 2 …. GET MY PORTFOLIO TOGETHER…….

Its time to actually put together a hard copy portfolio book 

STEP 3 …. LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE AND MAKE MAGIC HAPPEN……

I believe great things are on the horizon. 

Watch wait and see…..

I BELIEVE IN ME……

Besides photography i have been writing a lot more too.

I have also been opening up and learning to not be scared of who i am and some of what i have lived through. 

about a year ago, i shared a story with a close friend and gave her permission to publish it under my pen name.

The other day i received great news that my story had been published in a book she put together.

It is a book of tales from like minded strong women. 

Id love to plug it here but it is not appropriate for some of my readers. 

And whats the use of freedom of expression under a pen name if i let the the world know its me. 

LOL….. Sometimes its fun to have a secret or two. 

And I'm learning I'm entitled to have a few. 

Not everything needs to be throw out there for the world to know n see. 

Tho i really do appreciate honesty. 

I allowed someone to read my story as i allow you all to read my thoughts thru my blog. 

And this person asked me why i would share such an experience, 

My response was "in hopes that someone reads it and doesn't decide to walk down the same road"

Same goes for why i openly wrote about my horrible experience with miscarrying. 

and to my surprise there were many people who read that contacted me and told me they had been

 thru the same thing but were scared to speak about it.

So don't mock me for being open. 

I was born a very young soul, but with my journey i have spent most of my life seeking experiences and truth

this is one reason i wander so much. 

I want to live, experience, explore, and learn everything i possibly can. 

I don't want to learn it from a TV. 

Heck i can't remember the last time i turned on a tv. 

Or even sat and watched a movie or tv show. 

Music, Books, Living life And Traveling are enough for me.

I keep speaking of this weird awaking that i have been experiencing .

let me tell you a little more about it. 

I have finally become comfortable in my own skin. 

Im no longer scared of who i was, what I've done, and who i have become. 

I know that peoples ill words towards me should just roll off my back like a rain drop in a down pouring rain. 

I guess its a progression. 

Making peace with the demons in my mind, realizing no matter what I've done n how stupid it may have seemed 

All of this has turned me into the woman i am today. 

Im finally able to look in the mirror and see That i am Beautiful, Smart, Creative, Independent, and even a little Crazy.

Its pretty amazing what i have survived this far in life, what I've lived thru and how i have applied it to who i am today.

A young soul growing old.

and like a fine wine, just getting better with age.
Some fun little pics from my bday …..

AHHH 33… FINALLY!!!!!

Being back in NJ i have been visiting a lot of my old hauntes and walking down familiar roads 

to discover the past does not live there anymore

I have lost my fear of running into any skeletons that may pop out of the closet. 

I have also decided if any of these skeletons do fall out that I'm going to act like a mature 

adult and allow them to say what they may and just turn my back n walk away.

At 33 there is no need to stoop to peoples childish levels and get into bickering fights. 

Sticks and stones make break my bones, But your words can no longer hurt me. 

Ive wasted too much time on useless BS …..

Game over time to move on.

Its so weird feeling comfortable in my skin for once. 

Being able to accept that i am just that awkward skinny white girl born and raised in NJ.
A unique little chameleon butterfly…..

I wasn't raised in an upper class town. I was raised by a single mother who did her very best to provide for me and her.

A blue collar broken home. N i can't be ashamed of that. 

Heck i wish i grow up to be 1/2 the woman my mom is.
Ive put her thru a lot n she is still standing by my side, Telling me she believes in me. 

Hey ma this ones for u….

Sorry i've taken different paths then u may have dreamed i would have

But i think slowly but surely I'm figuring it out

in my own untraditional ways. 

Love ya. 

Watch me make a name for myself and rise above the BS……

Photography, Writing, Modeling, and what ever other endeavor i may decide to dabble in next. I will give it my all.

Coming back to NJ in my 30's was one hell of of a shock. 

Lets see I've been gone for quite some years

I had made a life for myself out west, new friends, new "family" and a new name for myself. 

All of that now 3000 miles away. 

Everyone i knew and was close with here in NJ 

now married, with kids, mortgages, and careers…..

The rest of those who i was close with have moved away and escaped this state. 

Here i am with a wanderlust from hell, Still trying to reach past the stars to catch my dreams, 

NO KIDS, DIVORCED, AND STAYING WITH MY MOM….

I found myself feeling like the new kid in school and having to start from scratch and making new friends. 

Thankfully  no one ever taught me i shouldn't speak to strangers…

So with that said i have been I've talking to tons of strangers and some of them have become dear friends i value.

Don't get me wrong I still keep in touch with a lot of my dear friends from all over the country 

It just sucks not being able to see them unless they are traveling thru. 

I really am blessed with having met and knowing some of the most amazing inspirational people you can imagine. 

And being able to call them friends. 

From all walks of life. 

Thanks to social media and the invention of cell phones i can keep in touch with them. but sometimes its not the same as being able to hug them 

and grab a coffee together. 

There is so much more i would like to say but for now, I think ill just end it this way…….

Life is wonderful, SMILE…. Trouble… 

Till next time……….

Little Acorns ............

Hello Again its been some time. 

Fancy us meeting here on an airplane. 

What does a person do with 6 hours of idle time, a laptop, and a mind full of thoughts? Well this one decides to start updating  her blog.  I have been silent for a while and am updating against what i have been advised to do, But i couldn't let the story end just yet. I couldnt stand to know my last update was filled with such heart break when so much good and bad has gone on with in the past few months. And at the moment my mind is filled with hope.  Im sure some of you are thinking OMG where is she going with this. Where has she been? Whats been going on? 

Well in a nut shell. Started working a few random jobs, Some worked out well others didn't so much. 

At one point i tried juggling multi jobs and that didn't work out too well either. 

I tried waitressing.

I tried modeling very briefly ,

I started helping out at my friends clothing store in Somerville NJ 

Called E>OLVE a few days  a month. 

I picked up a mini photo contract for a BANK which was like a mini 3 day photo scavenger hunt

which i found quite fun and profitable. 

In the end when it was desperately needed  I got a call back to work as a temp in the Mailroom again for proxy season which saved my butt. 

AND I HAD THE HONOR OF BEING BONDED BY THE STATE OF NJ FOR THIS JOB.

(May i add i love my coworkers in the mail room. Lucy , Beverly, and Roger.) 

And am beyond grateful that they thought of me when hiring this year. 

It was long hours, lifting, and sometimes very back breaking work. 

This is what my desk looked like every day. Sometimes worse. 

But i embraced every second of it and was just grateful to be working and with people i liked and who treated me well. 

But as they say all good things sometimes have to come to an end and Proxy season indeed did.

Bringing me back to the drawing board to find employment. 

And bringing everyone i know back to saying 

"YOU NEED TO FIND DIRECTION IN YOUR LIFE" 

"YOU NEED A JOB WITH A 401K"

YOU NEED HEALTH BENEFITS"

"YOU NEED TO SETTLE DOWN AND BE RESPONSIBLE"

Ive always had issues sitting still, Conforming to be someone or something i don't believe in. 

In the words of FRANK TURNER

why should i 

"Have to grow up be an adult yeah be bored and unfulfilled

Oh when no ones yet explained to me exactly what's so great

About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate, 

About meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity

Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up
And if all you ever do with your life
Is just photosynthesize
Then you deserve every hour of these sleepless nights
That you waste wondering when you're gonna die"

I cant live like that.

I need to be able to find a speck of happiness in what i do with my every day life.

I would prefer to find inspiration in at least one moment of my day slaving for 

what society says i need.

And I'm sorry if i let anyone down by passing up random jobs in hopes that the perfect one was soon to come.  

They do say good things come to those who wait and i for sure felt something good coming on .

ITS MY TIME. 

 SORRY IM 31 And DONT QUITE KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP.

But how old are you?

And do you quite know yet either?

I didn't think so.  

But enough about employment. there has to be more interesting things going on in my life correct. 

To be 100% honest life has not been all sunshine and rainbows. 

But I'm going to tip toe around some subjects at the moment. 

 I'm learning some people prefer their lives to be a lil more private than me. 

That can be looked at in a few different lights.

Right now we will stick to this theory. 

 Im going to try to focus on how bright the future is and some things that helped bring me to these realizations typed out in the form of good old ramblings. Would u expect any less from me? . I keep being told i look back on the past way too much i forget to live in the now. So lets start living for today. Lets start looking forward to tomorrow. Its crazy to think everything i had to experience and go thru to reach this point of thinking.

OH!!! And i feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record. 

SO IT IS FOR SURE TIME TO CHANGE SOMETHING.  

And to think I found some guidance to find what i believe the answers may be  from a squirrel. 

Here is where i get the title to this blog, The song below 

Little Acorn 

by the White Stripes

Click the pic below

Life has been so chaotic Full of ups and downs. 

Amazing times and straight up hurtful and scary times. 

But as the intro to the song says One day i sat down and broke all my problems into tiny little pieces 

and slowly began to figure them out. 

Life is far from perfect at the moment but the point is Im trying to build a better tomorrow. 

Im trying to battle this depression i fell into and figure out what is best for ME. 

I also keep hearing that i need to stop putting other people before myself. 

They all say I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME......

And how i am going to achieve true happiness and better myself. 

Wow all this use of the word ME ,

Im starting to feel a lil selfish. 

Is this what making yourself #1 priority feels like?

WEIRD.......

I recently took a little trip back to Portland to Oregon.

LOOK at my life completing another circle .

I live in a constant loop that needs to be broken. 

Growing up my mom always told me if she was ever going to run away to find clarity or just plain old go missing in action, she would go to a state that begins with a Vowel. 

Well Oregon You win that round cause O is for sure a vowel. 

And mom See i paid attention when you spoke when i was younger just maybe not to what u thought i should have  been listening to and absorbing. 

But this time who would have known that your words would change my life a lil. 

It was nice to see the beautiful flowers blooming everywhere, so colorful and bright like my future. 

It was nice to see Danielle, Shawn, Baby Raven. She has grown up so much since i had last seen her a year ago. 

She is now walking and talking and is so precious. 

I spent most of my days wandering alone just getting lost and lost in my own mind. 

Some may say what i did is Typical of Me . Oh thats such a Tiffany move just up and run away from all her problems. This time i was just looking for a moment of clarity from the situations i had ended up in.  I needed a time out and a change of scenery for a few days. This time i felt i had no choice but to disappear into the night to take a time out from everything and every one. I had reached my breaking point. And remember that imaginary NO FLY LIST my mom put me on well i couldn't abide by that anymore. IM 31 and i think regardless of what society and what people say the "NORMAL" ways to handle things are. I felt like i need to refind myself. 

I honestly started believing i was losing my mind for a minute 

TRULY GOING INSANE

Some of the problems and worries i was dealing with were bringing me to daily panic attacks that were not fun to deal with. 

Yup felt just like the check list above. 

My relationship with my lover seemed like it was crumbling, as did my relationships with my friends and family. 

I didn't know what to do. 

Some days it seemed like my lover and i had two different ideas of what it took to make a relationship work. 

I thought it was as simple as this

But it turns out Relationships are so much more difficult sometimes. 

But it wasn't just my Lover. I began to lose faith in ALL People. 

I started to become a shell of myself just empty inside. 

It seems like being disappointed by the human race has been a big trend lately. 

Maybe i am a bad judge of people, maybe i just have too much hope and faith in people and situations. 

Or maybe i have been hurt too many times by this big scary world i live in. 

Im just a giant marshmallow and people love to smoosh me. 

N im sick of it. 

DAMN YOU SOCIETY!!!!

Lets just say 

This past year has been one hell of a learning experience. 

I need to remember 

You may be saying but your being so vague.

I will  quickly elaborate. 

I learning that perfect  timing for everything is very important. 

Im not sure if you are a new reader to my blog or have been following for a while.

lets quickly recap for a moment to catch u up.  

About a year ago i got divorced. 

I basically gave my husband the apartment and walked away with no $$ a work from home job, a wanderlust like no other,

BUT

 with high hopes of a bright future. 

A dream of finding someone i was more compatible with and one day having a family of my own.

I was very broken and fragile and scared to be looked at or touched or even thought of by another man. 

About a month or 2 after  i reconnected with the man who at the moment i would have considered the man of my dreams. the one i always wanted, the one who i could never have. 

The only man to leave me speechless and nervous. 

Only to find out he was recently divorced and now breaking up with his girlfriend  too and i had a chance  to be his and he told me he felt the same about me. 

And that was that i allowed him into my heart. 

after 3.5 years of marriage on my side and him basically leaving a relationship for a chance with me and still fairly fresh out of a marriage too.

I now see Maybe we didn't have the best timing.

I now see that maybe i should have taken a little more time to work on me and getting my life back on track and maybe learning to love myself again and getting my life fully back on track before dragging him into my struggle to try to get my head above water. And vise versa. 

My finances were far from in order, My mind still a tangled mess of hopes, fears, and dreams. 

At that moment when i went back to NJ i was just hoping that employment with livable pay and maybe health ins would fall into place for me, along with everything else. 

I was far from ready to involve anyone in my life.

But couldn't stand to think that this man would walk out of my life leaving me to think what could have been.   

But we got caught in a moment and none of that mattered. 

WE FELL IN LOVE. 

The way he made me feel was a feeling i had never felt before, 

Better than any drug i have heard of or read about.

To be loved by him, wanted by him, and to be held by him was like a dream come true. 

And i fell head over heels HARD AND FAST.

When life started to get real again and the brief honeymoon period was over is when we started to deal with struggles, trials, and tribulations. 

I know no relationship is perfect but we started to struggle with some of the most basic things. 

TRUST BEING ONE. 

The fact that my high hopes of amazing employment hadn't been going as planned.

I seemed irresponsible .

amongst other things.

Neither of us are angels. 

Neither of us are perfect. 

And i will never try to convince you otherwise. 

Nor will i get into too much detail. 

Though sometimes i wish it did. 

Relationships are so much harder than they used to be...

- Conversations became texting,

- Arguments became phone calls,

- Feelings became subliminal messages,

- The word "Love" is used out of context,

- Insecurities became a way of thinking,

- Getting jealous became a habit,

- Trust is hard to come by,

- Being hurt became natural,

- Leaving became the only option.

This is sad but very true...

My grandparents just celebrated their 60th Wedding anniversary 

If only old time romance Like theirs still existed 

They are a great example of sticking together through thick and thin. 

And letting nothing tear them apart. 

They have shown each other true love and respect for over 60 years.

That is unheard of these days.

They have not always seen eye to eye on everything but have respectfully worked through everything together. 

As a team. 

And have been by each others side through sickness and health.

A big part of a successful relationship 

isn't just the good times , the happy times.

It also has to do with 

 learning to have disagreements and being able to fight with each other 

and still show each other respect.

If you can do that then your relationship should be able to survive anything. 

The other  night while sitting eating dinner alone in down town portland i over heard a crazy man on the street talking to random strangers walking down the street trying to get them to just stop and stand still for 10 seconds to change their future. 

Upon googling this theory and this rambling drunk mans words of  simple relativity . It began to make sense. 

Simple Relativity:

Einstien was trying to prove that time goes by faster when in motion. when you stop and stand still you slow down time. 

Turns out this is believed to be the simplest way of time travel. 

 Stop for 10 seconds and think before you speak or you make any sort of action 

and the way you respond may be completely different than if you just let words fly out of your mouth. 

Stop for 10 seconds take a deep breathe and think.... Why did this theroy never cross my mind before. 

I have just been letting my emotions control my immediate reactions. 

He was also saying if you stop to look at a news paper stand for 10 seconds or just stop n look up or around once in a blue moon you may be able to change your whole future cause now u are 10 seconds behind what would have happened before. 

Sort of randomly makes sense at the moment. 

I am learning communication is the key for happiness. 

Communication is important in ALL relationships with partners, children and other family members and friends. It allows us to share interests, aspirations and concerns, to support each other, to organize our lives and make decisions, and to work together in any situation. 

Good communication is about the way we talk and listen, and about our body language.

Talk to each other. No matter how well you know and love each other, you cannot read your partner’s mind. We need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger or confusion.

Listening is a very important part of effective communication.

Right now reading this you may be thinking "um ok where are you going with all this?"

Basically just more life lessons I'm learning along my journey in this mean mean world. 

One big lesson i learned over the past few months has been 

And that goes for me learning to LOVE and RESPECT myself a lil more  too.

I need to stop trying to help everyone else more than myself. 

I dont need others approval. 

I often speak about how i don't like being muzzled, 

I dont like hiding anything. 

My life is a very open book.

If you cant deal with that and need things hidden then maybe 

you should change your actions so they are not ones you are ashamed of.

And if you cant deal with that then maybe we shouldn't be friends. 

I am not perfect nor an angel 

But will honestly tell u about just about anything u could ask. 

The past year i feel as if i have grown very distant from my family .

My mother and father and their partners mostly. 

I felt like i had to lead this other life to have them accept me. 

To be accepted by everyone they knew to make them proud of me. 

But i noticed it had lead to me shunning them both away. 

The other night i sat my mom down and had a little chat with her. 

I basically told her that I'm sick of living my life looking for her approval. 

The happiest i had been in life in general was when i first moved to california 

3000 miles from home when i was 21. 

When i had no one judging my every move and asking where i was n who i was with every day. 

The time when i was supporting myself 

didn't need help from anyone

Was responsible in my own way.

And traveling the states with a camera in my hand

I loved myself i respected myself 

I lived for the day

I was a free spirit loving life. 

And was LIVING FOR ME!!!!

And those in my life at the time didn't judge me .

They Loved me for who i was and wanted to be in my life cause they enjoyed traveling the journey 

through that chapter in my life with me.

Heck I still call most of them friends till this day 

and keep in touch with them.

I want that happiness back. 

But what fun would life be if everything you wanted came to you easily.

And my goal is to achieve that.

To find that creative, fun, amazing lil lady i keep hearing everyone misses. 

If you have ever met me you may say i am a unique lil butterfly.

I think they broke the mold after making me. 

I am far from ORDINARY

I am far from traditional

Its time for me to work towards

 an EXTRAORDINARY DESTINY.

I told my mother  (and this applies to everyone in my life)  

that if they wanted to be judgmental on the things i do and the way i live my life 

Then they had two choices 

Either Get over it and love me and accept me for who i am 

regardless

of the mistakes i make along the way

regardless of my decisions 

regardless of which direction i decide to go at that fork in the road.

cause this is my journey 

NO ONE ELSES.

I will never preach my beliefs to you and try to force feed you into doing as i do. 

SO PLEASE DONT DO THAT TO ME. 

And as i said before if you cant accept and love me for my 

 PAST

PRESENT 

and WHERE EVER MY FUTURE MAY LEAD

Then you cant truly say you ever accepted me or loved me

And 

you're going to miss out on a lot of amazing moments 

to come. 

My moms response was that she will respect the way i choose to live my life,

The decisions i make and would be more inclined in trying to understand some of my rime and reason for why i think they are the best options. 

She told me that she will support me with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. 

She said she just wants what is best for her lil girl.

I have to remember 

This story is just getting started.

AND THIS IS MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, AND NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE ME A SCRIPT TO LIVE IT TO THEIR LIKING!!!!!

It has taken me a few days to finalize this update

It has been really hard to find the appropriate words to tell this chapter of the story. 

But lets end this on a semi positive note. 

My hair is back to pink at the moment.

Cause i missed it. 

I feel a bit more like me. 

I started working out again 

and am down to 125 Lbs 

I added a few more tattoos to my body 

Do You know what a F/Stop is? 

Or do you know what an APERTURE is? 

If so then you will understand the f/16 and f/1.4

I randomly found 4 four leaf clovers in my moms back yard.

The first i have found since i left PDX about a year ago. 

I start a new job on Monday 

Which i am a lil scared about and excited about at the same time. 

I have had amazing Creative ideas flowing through my mind

Ive been considering finally putting together a few books. 

One photo coffee book.

One children's book that i actually met with an amazing artist who is My Step dads neice.

And started taking verbal memos 

(MEET MY NEW FRIEND THE TAPE RECORDER.)

(Who i tell everything to)

for the book that i keep mentioning that needs to be written 

I've chosen the perfect name for it too....

and heck maybe one day a fourth will be put together with an amazing female photographer friend of mine. 

Now to put everything in motion. 

And to focus on the next chapter of

 Amazing Things to come. 

DONT GIVE UP ON ME YET!!!!!!

TILL NEXT TIME......

THANK YOU FOR READING AND FOLLOWING. 

I CANT WAIT TILL WE MEET AGAIN.